A Change In Me
by icthestrals
Summary: "Some daddies put babies in the mommies. Sometimes we find daddies. And aren't you excited that we found Dickie?" What if that night in the Tasty Pastry resulted in more than a broken heart?
1. Prologue

A/N: This is a PAST AU fic. It's set in a what-if reality. Expect some changes to canon. Normal disclaimer.

Story image by Christoph Van Daele - check out his work at:

vandaelechristophfotografie weebly com/contactpagina (dots on the spaces)

Thanks to Julie, my amazingly sweet and supportive Beta. I never imagined writing this fic, but she encouraged me months and months ago in a reply to one of my reviews to her awesome fic.

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**A Change In Me**

**Prologue**

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"It hurts!" I screamed out in pain.

I looked frantically around the room at the nurses and my parents. They looked at me in sympathy, but I also noticed that flicker of pity that I had seen on countless faces over the last several months. I hated that look. I knew what I had done. And I knew that I was going to have to work my butt off to prove that I was more than a statistic. But most of all, I hated that my parents had to share my shame.

"I thought the medicine would help," I cried to my mom.

"It will, sweetie. Just give it time. It's only been a couple minutes."

The older nurse almost rolled her eyes at me before leaving the room.

I glared at her. "I don't like her. Does she have to be here?"

My dad huffed. "I agree."

Mom and Nurse Smiller turned quickly to him, surprise on their faces.

I smiled at Dad and felt the slightest bit of relief.

He crossed his arms, frowning. "She's got enough to deal with." He nodded towards me. "We don't need some judgmental old bitty making things worse."

Nurse Smiller suppressed a grin and winked at me. "I'll go deal with her. Stephanie, it looks like we're getting closer. But you can still have visitors if you want."

"Thank you," I said softly. I grimaced once more in pain, but it was definitely better than it had been. "Can you send my grandparents back in?"

"No problem." She smiled brightly and left the room.

I looked over at my parents. I could see that they were also coming to terms with the huge change that day would bring. I was their baby, and I was having a baby. I felt like I was starring in my own after-school special: Stephanie Plum, seventeen and pregnant.

I lived in a neighborhood most commonly referred to as the Burg in Trenton, New Jersey. I was just starting my senior year at Trenton Central High School, and so far I made pretty good grades. Of course, having a baby with me this year would probably make that a little more difficult. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I knew that my parents were pushing me to make better choices. I wanted to make them proud of me, probably more than anything else. If I hadn't learned anything over the last seven months, I learned that I never again wanted to disappoint my parents like I had by getting pregnant. They were typical Burg parents: strict, nosy, and raising my older sister and me in the Catholic Church. My mother was basically Betty Crocker personified. My dad was quiet and almost withdrawn. But he had his moments. I knew he loved us. And a few times, I had the horrific luck of catching my parents enjoying some afternoon delight. As much as that made me want to hurl, it also made me happy for them. And somewhere deep inside, I longed to someday have what they had. Not that I thought I would ever find that now.

And my place in the family, as the "strong-willed" child, was now permanently etched in stone. I was probably every Burg mother's example of why good girls should do as they're told. And of course, my sister was the saint in the family. Even in the Burg she was considered the perfect daughter. She recently entered her sophomore year at Thomas Edison State College where she was studying interior design. She was engaged already to some genius computer guy who just bought her a new car, which worked out pretty good for me since my parents were giving me her old car. I often felt like a total failure in comparison.

But I never really failed until last winter.

.

Five hours after my father had the "old bitty" replaced, I was holding the most beautiful little baby I had ever seen.

"Oh my goodness," I whispered to myself in awe of the tiny miracle in my arms.

I cradled her close to me and stroked her head of almost black hair. She had his hair. I could even see him in the shape of her nose. Briefly, I wondered where he was. Would he have been there if he knew? When I let myself really fantasize, I always pictured us together, raising our baby. But the reality was that I didn't tell him on purpose. I didn't want him to come back only to hurt me again. Maybe when I was completely over him, I would be ready to send him a letter or something. A part of me thought I would never really stop loving him, especially as I gazed at our amazing little girl. I had been doing such a good job of letting him go – even if it had been almost nine months since I had seen him. Once more, I pushed all thoughts of Joe Morelli out of mind.

Her dark blue eyes locked onto mine as I spoke softly to her. "Hi, little bug. I'm the one you've been kicking so much."

My mom came back into the room with my dad. "Oh, Stephanie! She's simply perfect," she gushed as she sat back down next to me on the hospital bed.

I had been surprised that I wanted Mom with me, but in the end, she was the only one I wanted to stay in the room once it was time to deliver.

Dad walked around to stand on the other side and leaned down to kiss my head. "I love you. I know this isn't how we envisioned becoming grandparents, but we're going to make this work, Stephanie. We, as a family, are going to help you. This is not going to ruin your life." I frowned at that and his expression softened. "I mean that _you_ are not going to ruin your life. It's going to be tough, but you can do it." He reached out and traced a finger down the baby's cheek. "Can I hold my granddaughter now?"

I nodded quickly, feeling a tear fall down my cheek. I slowly handed her over to him. Mom leaned into me, draping her arm around my shoulder and tilting her head against mine as we watched Dad. He held her up to his face and smiled the sweetest smile I had ever seen from him.

Mom sighed. "I love that look. I remember seeing it when he held you and your sister for the first time."

Dad turned to us. "So are you going to name this angel?"

I laughed at that as I realized that Valerie may have finally been replaced. "Sophia Grace."

"Oh, that's so pretty, Stephanie. Why didn't you tell us before?" Mom asked.

I tilted my head to look at her. "Seriously? You say it's pretty now because it's too late for you to change it."

She sputtered, but Dad laughed out loud. "You know she's right, Helen."

"Fine." She shook her head, but then she hugged me again.

.

The next hour was a whirlwind of activity as my family members paraded through the room. I felt a little like the special exhibit at the zoo. But it was still pretty cool to watch my grandparents greet their first great-grandchild.

"Oh, Stephanie, she's so beautiful," my Grandpa Mazur murmured against my head as he watched Grandma holding Sophia.

"Thanks, Grandpa."

"You ready for this?" he asked quietly. "It's quite the adventure."

I smiled. "Adventure?"

He nodded. "At times it will feel like punishment, but they're worth it."

Grandma handed Sophia to him and I watched him nuzzle against her and whisper into her ear. Sophia just stared wide-eyed at him, looking like she understood every word he was saying.

"Don't let your mom tell you how to do everything," Grandma warned me. "This is your baby. Not hers. You need to be in charge."

I laughed nervously. At this point, I was kind of hoping Mom would be in charge. "Sure, Grandma."

"Stephanie, do you really want," she looked across the room at my sister and then leaned closer to me, "another Valerie?"

I busted out laughing. "Oh my goodness! I hadn't thought of that."

She chuckled. "It's not that I don't love your sister, but …" She sighed. "That girl needs to loosen up. Even your mother is more fun."

We both looked over to Mom and Valerie and burst into another round of laughter. Val looked over at me and frowned. Mary Lou was also sitting with my mom and sister, and she came over and took the baby from my grandparents.

"I can't believe she was in you," she said in wonder.

I blushed. "I wouldn't either if she hadn't been kicking me so much."

"You doing okay?" She tilted her head. "Like … you freaking out yet?"

I glared at her. "Not yet. I don't think it's sunk in yet." I reached up and stroked a finger down Sophia's cheek. "I'm a mother, Mare. A mother." I shook my head. "I don't know if I can do this."

"Steph, you may not be the most …" She pushed her lips to one side, deep in thought. "The most disciplined person I have known, but you are definitely one of the most stubborn. And if you want to be the best mom ever, then you will be."

I blinked back a few tears. "You think so?"

"Sure! And you have like a ton of people who want you to succeed. Look at Roberta Parker. Her mom and dad kicked her out when she got pregnant."

I sighed. "Yeah. You're right. And I kind of want to prove them all wrong. Everyone thinks I'm going to end up on welfare and with ten more babies."

Her eyes widened at the thought of more babies. "Exactly. And since you don't have to worry about her father, you can do this however you want."

I gave her a tight smile, masking any fears of Joe coming back into my – our lives. "Yeah."

Valerie and Steven made their way over next, and it was all I could do to keep smiling as Valerie proceeded to tell me how hard my life was going to be. I was almost relieved when Sophia started to fuss and Nurse Smiller gently urged them all to leave.

Then I realized why Sophia was crying and that I had to finally decide if I wanted to try nursing.

"You know, Stephanie, it's really fine whichever way you choose," Nurse Smiller smiled as she tidied up the room.

I looked down at Sophia, her little face bunched up as she cried. "I want to do it," I said softly. Then louder, "I want to try to feed her. It's what she needs."

Nurse Smiller crossed over to me. "Okay. You can always change your mind. It won't hurt her to switch to formula if you don't want to keep nursing her."

Nurse Smiller patiently showed me how to get Sophia to latch on, and she stayed with me as I watched in wonder, and in pain, as my baby started to take my milk. If the word 'mother' hadn't meant anything before, it suddenly hit me with extreme clarity as I nourished my child. I swallowed back some tears as my emotions started to overwhelm me. How was I ever going to do this?

I looked up at Nurse Smiller, who was watching me closely. I tried to look calm, even though I was a little freaked out. Wincing at another twinge of pain, I gazed down at Sophia's little puckered lips. "Will it always hurt?"

"No. It gets better."

"It's kind of unreal," I said softly. I looked up at her and shook my head in bewilderment.

"Stephanie," she said seriously. "Not many young mothers even try to breastfeed. I think that you're willingness to do what is best for your baby is such a good sign that you are going to be a really good mother."

"But I thought you said formula was just as good."

"It is … as good." She smirked with a tilt of her head. "But my point is that you are putting her needs first. And you have handled yourself really well since you have been here."

"Thank you," I muttered.

"I want you to believe in yourself. It's not going to be easy, but I know you can do this."

I blinked at her. "I'm so scared. But I love her so much already. I want her to have the best life."

She smiled warmly. "And you having a good life is what is going to help her have one too."

"That's what my dad says."

"He's right. So, do you know what you're going to do after high school?"

"I have no idea." I looked back down at Sophia. She was starting to squirm.

"Let's switch her," Nurse Smiller offered.

She let me try to do it on my own, and after some fussing on Sophia's part and some frustrated growls on mine, we were back in business.

"Have you considered nursing?"

I looked at her in confusion. "Aren't I doing that?"

She laughed. "No, I meant as in a profession."

"Oh." I blushed. "Like you?"

"Sure." She wrote a few things down on my chart. "I … I've been where you're at, Stephanie."

"You had a baby in high school?"

She shrugged. "Sophomore year of college. I wanted to be a doctor. But my son kind of interrupted those plans. I decided I could still be in medicine without missing out on my son's entire childhood."

"How old is he now?"

"Fifteen."

"Do I go to school with him?"

She laughed. "I think you probably do. He's just a freshman. You probably don't know him. His name is Jack Hunt."

"No, I don't." I glanced at her wedding rings. "You got married to someone else?"

"Yes. It took me a while to find a good one, but I did. And Jack's had a great step-father and a when-he's-around, pretty good father."

"I never told the father," I admitted. Once again, I wondered what he would do if he knew. Would he have been sitting here next to us, falling in love with his baby girl? I always felt guilty when I considered that he was missing out on the good stuff too. Mostly I focused on how alone I felt because of him.

"Your mother said he drugged you at some party." She smiled at me, like she didn't believe that story.

"She would." I rolled my eyes. "I hope I can meet someone some day too. But I'm okay right now with it just being the two of us."

"You're lucky to have such supportive parents. Use them while you can. Get your education so you can make a good life. It really is possible. I'm proof." She crossed over and stood close to me. "And you can call me Anna. Keep in touch, Stephanie. My shift is done so I might not see you again. But don't be embarrassed about contacting me if you just need someone to talk to. It's nice to have someone to talk to who can actually relate to what you are going through."

"Thank you, Anna. I will."

.

Once I was alone with Sophia, I allowed myself to cry. I was overwhelmed with the love I felt for my daughter. But I was also terrified about what lay ahead for us. And as much as I didn't want to, I couldn't stop thinking about Joe. At that moment, I hated him. I hated him for not being there with me. I hated him for using me the way he did. I hated him for leaving without even saying goodbye. But mostly, I hated him for having forgotten about me. In nine months, I had not heard one word from him. He was out seeing the world while I was feeling his baby grow inside of me. He was making new memories while I was crying myself to sleep trying to forget him. He had left me behind without looking back while I still tried in vain to stop loving him.

I looked down at Sophia's perfect little face and kissed her forehead. Even if he never loved me, he gave me this wonderful gift. And I knew it was time to let him go. All the love I felt for him now belonged to her.

I closed my eyes, and I allowed myself one more time to remember how it all began. How I fell in love with the most beautiful boy from the Burg.

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Thanks for reading! Please review. :)


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: Thank you to all the readers and reviewers! And to Julie - who just rocks! :)

The next few chapters go back in time from the prologue. And I moved the timeline a little bit from canon. Stephanie and Joe are slightly older when they put that bun in the oven at the bakery. :)

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**A Change In Me**

**Chapter One**

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"Joseph Anthony Morelli," I murmured quietly as I watched him enter the school cafeteria.

He was practically strutting into the room, his gang of friends surrounding him. They were all laughing and making sure that everyone could see them. Joe didn't need to make a spectacle; he was spectacular without even trying. Tall and lean with dark hair that hinted at curls around his neck. He had brown eyes, but I had not been fortunate enough to see them up close since we were little. His skin was always some varying shade of caramel, depending on the time of year, and a sign of his Italian heritage. He was every girl's fantasy. Other than the fact that we both grew up in the Burg and had played together a few times as kids, I don't think he even knew I existed.

"How do you know his full name?" Mary Lou asked.

Mary Lou Molnar was my best friend. She lived only a couple blocks away from me, and had been forced to walk past the Morelli's house every time we traveled between our homes for the last two and a half years. Ever since I saw him one day without his shirt, washing a car in his driveway. I was only thirteen and he was fifteen I think, but something happened to me that day. For the first time, I felt I understood the word sexy.

"I may have looked up his file in the office last week when there was that fire drill." I smiled at her and then turned back to watching Joe.

"Oh my God, Steph! You are so lucky you didn't get caught," she reprimanded me, but I could see she was impressed.

"Whatever. Mrs. Norris never pays attention to that back door when her shows are on."

She nodded in agreement and took a huge bite of her burger.

I watched him walk past Terry and her friends, not even looking over at her. "I heard that he broke up with Terry."

"They always break up, Steph. You know that. Everyone knows that. And every other girl in this school knows that they would just be his temporary …" She smirked. "_Relief_ until he goes back to Terry."

"I don't care. Look at him, Mare. He's so … hot. I would gladly relieve him any time."

"You would not!"

"I would too." I quickly sucked down the last of my chocolate milk through the tiny straw. "I bet it would be really good too."

She practically choked on her soda. "Yeah, it probably would." Then she gave me a pointed look, briefly reminding me of her mother – but I would never tell her that. "Becaaause he has had so much practice! You really want to be another notch in his belt?"

"I don't think he's so bad. I think that there's more to him. He makes really good grades, did you know?"

She gaped at me. "His file?"

"Well, yeah. I didn't just get his name. I got his number and read everything I could."

She leaned across the lunch table. "What else?" she whispered conspiratorially.

"Remember when his father died?" She nodded, and we both shared a frown. Our parents had all expressed relief more than anything else that Mr. Morelli was no longer tormenting his family. "Well, he was sent to counseling to deal with it."

"Holy cow. He'd hate you if he knew you'd read that."

My eyes widened. "No! No way. I didn't read anything else. I didn't read any of the other papers on him. Just the main one."

"Okay. It's not like he's ever going to talk to you anyway."

I glared at her. "Thanks."

"Well, you'd have to actually talk to him, and you and I both know that when it comes to Joe Morelli, you are _all_ talk." She sat back, a smug look on her face.

"Fine. I can talk to him. Just as soon as the perfect opportunity arises."

She laughed. "I can't wait to see that."

**.**

**OoOoO**

The perfect opportunity did arise the next school year when Joe broke up with Terry at the beginning of their senior year. For good. Everyone was shocked. The word around school was that he claimed he was too young to settle down. And he didn't want to be tied down before he joined the military. I was secretly thrilled. Finally, he was single and I could openly flirt with him. Not that I ever would. Mary Lou was actually right about that. But just in case I ever got the nerve to, I could without bringing down the wrath of Terry Grizzoli and her mob family. But I was only a sophomore and completely off of his radar. Or so I thought.

In the beginning, he would just say a quick hello to me if we passed in the halls. The first time Joe did this, I practically walked into Mr. Harris, causing his papers to spill across the hall. Some stoner named Walter fell over laughing at me. I was completely humiliated. Thankfully, Joe had turned the corner before my graceful display.

Then one time, he came up to me as I was putting my books away. He leaned against the locker next to mine and tapped my open door. I almost shrieked when I looked up to discover him watching me.

"So there's this party at Marco's this weekend." He smirked at me. "You know him?"

"Um … yeah." Not really. He was in his class, and I was completely outside that circle of friends.

"It should be wicked cool."

"Yeah."

Holy shit! Why couldn't I think of anything to say? And he's so much hotter up close! Terry really deserved props for being able to form complete sentences after spending so much time in his presence. (And other places I'd rather not think about, unless of course they were places he took me.)

"So?" He tilted his head down, looking at me funny. Probably since I was just staring at him like a moron.

"What?" I asked, sounding kind of pissed. Then I blushed. I hadn't meant to do that! I was just embarrassed. But I couldn't actually tell him that, could I?

He laughed. "Soooo were you thinking of going to the party?"

"No." _CRAP! Say something else before he leaves!_

I shut my locker to give me something to do. And then I turned to him, mirroring his lean against the lockers. "Should I?"

Score one for Stephanie! Finally, my brain had kicked back in.

He gave me a devastating smile and leaned in to me the slightest bit. "Yes."

"Okay." Did I just agree to a date with Joe Morelli? Oh my goodness!

He stood up straight, pulling away from me. "Maybe I'll see you there." And he left.

.

Mary Lou was convinced that he liked me. She said that she had caught him watching me once in the library during study hall. I think she just wanted me to feel good about myself. My sister Valerie was in his class, and she was popular and beautiful. I always felt like a troll next to her. Why would Joe Morelli look twice at me when she existed? In fact, I was pretty convinced that he might just be using me to get to her. She didn't run in his circle at all. She was a goody-goody.

**.**

**OoOoO**

About one month before prom, Joe sat at my table in the back of the school library.

"Hey," he whispered.

"Hi," I yelped loudly in surprise and then ducked my head and looked around.

He smiled at me. "I think we're the only ones back here."

My eyes widened. "We are?"

He tapped his pencil on his books and looked me over. "You're a sophomore, right?"

I swallowed. "Yeah. My name is –"

"Stephanie Plum. I know who you are," he retorted. "You think I forgot you?"

I felt my cheeks flush bright crimson. "Umm … no?"

He laughed quietly and leaned over the table towards me. "I think yours were the first girl's panties I ever saw that weren't my sisters."

I froze, mortified and a little angry that he was embarrassing me. "Yeah, you were quite the creeper back then, weren't you?"

He pulled back quickly. "I … I was just curious." He looked down at his books. "My brothers were always talking about getting into girls' panties. I didn't know what they meant." He looked up at me and then his face spread into a wolfish smile. "I do now."

"That's nice for you." I glared at him, gathering my books up and making to stand.

"You're leaving?" he asked disbelievingly.

"I've apparently nothing left to offer you. You already have seen my … panties." I somehow managed to hold his gaze as I said that.

"Stephanie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you. And I … did that really bother you back then? Do you think I like took advantage of you or something?" His brown eyes looked fearful. He also looked really sorry. If this was an act, it was working.

I dropped my books back down. "No. You were a kid. I was a kid. We were just … exploring." I smiled. "That's normal, right? My cousins were caught playing doctor one time. My aunt and uncle were so pissed at them."

"Really?" He grinned, more relaxed.

"Yeah. And _they_ weren't playing with the neighbor boy down the street." I raised my brows at him suggestively.

"Who?" he asked as he leaned closer again, an eager smile on his face.

"Each other!" I shook my head and giggled softly. "Ewwww!"

He laughed out loud and then ducked his head like I had earlier. "Brother and sister?" he whispered.

"Uh-huh." I giggled some more. "They were six and seven."

He scrunched up his nose. "At least I found a cute, _unrelated_ girl to explore." He winked at me.

I blushed again. "We didn't really do that." I couldn't look at him because all I could think was that I would be willing to do that now.

"No, we didn't."

He was quiet for a moment, so I looked up at him through my lashes. He smirked at me and then opened his books up.

We spent the next hour doing homework together, only occasionally making comments about teachers or classmates. It was all I could do to not just stare at him. I probably read the same page in my U.S. history book ten times. I caught myself doodling hearts instead of notes. Just in time too. I was about to put our names down when I saw him peeking over at my notebook. I playfully glared at him and moved my things further away. I kept wondering if he would actually ask me out this time. I wasn't so stupid that I didn't realize he had to be at least a little interested to seek me out. I could just picture him taking me to some restaurant where we would sit in a dark corner. We could even share our food. It would be so romantic.

.

By the time I had to leave, I was disappointed to end this strange encounter. I gathered my things together again and Joe looked up at me.

"You need a ride?" he asked, hopeful.

I bit my lip, thinking about the consequences of leaving my mom waiting for me at the front of the school. I gazed into those chocolate eyes and decided. So worth it.

"Thanks," I answered, choosing not to outright lie about needing a ride. That had to count for something, right?

He quickly shoved his books and papers into his bag and walked with me out of the library. Once we were in the hall, I looked around and noticed that there were hardly any students or teachers left in the building. Damn. No witnesses. Mary Lou probably wouldn't even believe me.

We stayed silent as we headed towards the parking lot. The entire way there I tried to come up with something interesting to say in the car. But mostly I just tried not to stare at his perfect butt. His jeans were a little tight, and they were perfectly showing off his amazing buns.

He opened the door for me, and I smiled brightly at him. Then I frowned as he walked around. I probably came across like some middle-school preteen meeting her first crush. I ignored how close to reality that was.

"I'm joining the Navy, I think." He took a deep breath and placed his hands on the wheel, gripping it a little tightly.

"That's what I heard."

"My brothers don't want me to. Tony wants me to come work at the garage with him."

I nodded. "What do you want?" I turned in my seat to better see him.

He frowned for a moment, looking out the window. "I want to get out of here." He turned his head to me. "What about you?"

"I have no idea. But I think I would like to travel."

He smiled. "Me too."

He started the car and ended the conversation. We were quiet again on the short drive to my house. I kept trying to come up with things to say to him. I didn't want him to think I was an idiot who couldn't make conversation. He probably was wondering what the hell he was doing with me.

He pulled up in front of my house and put the car in park. "So … I'm taking Terry to prom."

My heart stopped for a moment. I thought that I hadn't been hoping for him to ask me, but that would be a lie. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was very aware that prom was coming up.

"Okay."

"She says I owe it to her," he continued. He sighed in frustration. "It was just easier to go along with that. We're not back together or anything."

"Oh."

He looked over at me. "I … I wish …"

I could feel my heart flip-flopping. I was screaming in my mind for him to go on. I just looked up at him, trying to appear mildly interested and not desperate.

He turned towards me more. "You have the prettiest eyes."

I blinked at him. What! Oh my goodness! "Thank you," I muttered shyly.

"See you around, Stephanie."

I dropped my eyes to my hands. "Yeah, Joe. That sounds good."

I opened the door and looked back at him, a surge of courage suddenly hitting me. "I think you have beautiful eyes."

He opened his mouth for a moment, surprised by my declaration. Then he smiled such a stunning smile, I almost gasped. "I will see you again, Stephanie. That's a promise."

.

**OoOoO**

I did continue to see him around the halls at school, and he did continue to say hi to me and smile at me. Mary Lou was more convinced than ever that he liked me. But he was leaving after school. What would it matter if he did like me? Instead of trying to run into him, I tried to push all my fantasies about Joe to the back of my mind.

.

The morning of Valerie's graduation I awoke from my first really graphic sex dream. It was about Joe. I sat in my bed, embarrassed even though no one would ever know unless I told them. And that was not going to happen. I also realized that it could be my last chance to ever speak to Joe if he did leave like he planned. I decided I would at least congratulate him at graduation.

I tried not to stare at him too much during the ceremony. One tiny indication that I liked him and my mother would have me sent away to a convent. She had never forgiven him for playing "choo choo" with me when we were little. I still didn't really understand why she was so upset about it. It wasn't like he'd even touched me.

I noticed that his whole family appeared to be there in support of him. His brothers looked a lot like Joe. Same olive complexion and soft dark curls. His sisters were very pretty. But Joe was simply the most beautiful of all the Morellis. I could tell he looked like his mother more than the other two boys. She clearly had been a very striking woman when she was younger.

My dad leaned towards me at one point and whispered in my ear, "You see something interesting over there?"

I feigned that I was lost in thought. "What, Dad?" I asked quietly, giving him a confused look.

He smiled. "Nothing."

That ended my Morelli watching.

After the ceremony, it became more difficult to act like I was paying attention to my family as I was trying to locate Joe before he left. Valerie was in her element, being the center of attention. I just nodded and laughed whenever anyone else did, as I tried to scan the crowd. Finally, I spotted him walking alone. I stepped back from the small circle of family members and edged my way around to the other side of our group. Valerie gave me a strange look as I left our family to follow him across the school lawn, but I don't think she saw him.

"Hey, Joe!" I called to him just before he turned towards the parking lot.

He turned back and searched the crowd of people. He smiled at me when he saw me coming towards him. "Hey, Stephanie."

"Congrats. You're free now," I said like he had just escaped some kind of prison.

He laughed loudly. What a wonderful sound! "Yeah, I guess I am."

"You still joining the Navy?"

His smile faded a bit. "Not sure. My mom doesn't want me to go." He put his hand on the back of his neck. "I don't know what to do."

I stepped closer to him. "She's probably just worried about you."

He nodded, hand still on his neck. "She wants me to go to college."

"Oh. You don't want to?"

He dropped his hand and sighed. "With what money?" His eyes widened, surprised he had just revealed that.

"You could work your way through," I suggested. "Lots of people do."

He frowned. "Work with my brother?"

I suddenly remembered him telling me what he really wanted was to leave. "Or you could join the Navy anyway and then they would pay for your way through school. And you'd get to see the world in the meantime."

He smiled at me again, a softer smile, one I had not seen on him before. "Maybe." He stepped closer to me.

"Joseph!"

We both looked over to an old station wagon that had just pulled up. Inside was his mother and several of his siblings.

He stepped backwards, away from me, and gave me an apologetic smile. "I gotta go."

"Okay." I looked over his shoulder and saw his family watching us. "Good luck, Joe. Whatever you decide." I smiled at him, hoping deep inside that this wasn't the last time I would see him.

He stepped back again. "This doesn't count, you know. You found me this time. I still owe you my promise." He wriggled his brows and then turned and jogged towards the car. I could hear his brothers teasing him and one of them whistled at me out the window as they pulled away.

**.**

**OoOoO**

I started my first job when school let out. It was at a little bakery called the Tasty Pastry. Big Red was the owner. She wasn't fat at all. Or even that tall. No, she was five foot eight, including the mass of bright red hair teased beyond repair that was piled atop her head. Her real name was Loretta Cud. No joke. Big Red was fairly new to Trenton, having moved from South Carolina to be close to her sister. And she loved me. She thought I was the "best little worker evuh". I have no idea how I managed to pull that off, but it did make me want to keep her happy with me. So maybe she was just that much smarter than me. Oh well. By the start of the next school year, I was even allowed to close and lock up on the weekends.

Joe stopped by one Wednesday just after I got there after school. Big Red looked over her shoulder to see who came in and then turned back to me. She blew through her lips a silent whistle and fanned herself. I rolled my eyes at her and then looked up from the register to see Joe, leaning casually against the counter.

"Hey," he said softly. His eyes darted over to where Big Red was kneading some dough. "You get off work soon?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "That's it? No sorry I haven't spoken to you for like three months or anything?" I crossed my arms and gave him my best Helen Plum impersonation.

His mouth twisted into an amused grin. "Yeah, about that. I … um … I didn't join the Navy. And well," he paused to take a deep breath, once more looking over at Big Red. "I want to talk to you, okay?"

Big Red turned around and came over. "Young man, are you or are you not interested in purchasin' somethin' today?"

He stepped back and over to the display case. "What's good?"

She harrumphed at him. "Everything's good, sugar." She looked over at me and winked. "Stephanie, go help him pick somethin' out."

I glared at her and then crossed around to where he was standing. "What would you like?"

He smirked at me. "I don't think you want me to say that in front of your boss."

I blushed at his innuendo. "I like the cupcakes. White with chocolate frosting is my favorite."

He scanned the display and then his eyes settled on me. "I would love to taste your cupcake."

My eyes widened at him, and I could hear Big Red snickering over at the worktable. "Will that be all?" I smiled as I placed his cupcake in the small box.

"Right now, yes." He pulled out some cash and handed it to me. Flustered, I took the money and quickly made my way back to the register. When I returned to give him his change, he was already eating the cupcake.

He popped the last bit in his mouth and licked the chocolate frosting from his lips. Unfortunately, I noticed that I was mirroring his tongue with my own about halfway across my top lip – the second time! I looked down at my shoes, embarrassed.

"So do you get off work soon?" he asked again as if nothing had happened.

"I just got here. You know I'm still in school, unlike some people."

"Oh yeah." He chuckled. "Maybe I'll come by later." He headed over to the door and turned back. "Still doesn't count." He laughed and walked out the door.

"Stephanie Plum, that boy is trouble," Big Red warned. "Boys that look that good always are."

I sighed and leaned over the counter. "I know. But he's just so … "

"Yummy?" she teased and then laughed loudly. "Now, darlin', you best be careful 'round him."

"I know. My mom would kill me if she knew he was talking to me. He's a Morelli and they're known for being the worst kind of men. At least, that's what my mom and grandma say. They wouldn't even let me play with Joe when we were kids."

She smiled as she continued to make the bread. "Forbidden fruit?"

"Yeah, I guess so. He's so beautiful though," I whined. "Why couldn't he just be good too?"

"He doesn't have to be," she answered. "And why should he be when girls like you are so willin' to give him your cupcakes?"

"Loretta! You told me to help him. And he paid!"

She laughed so hard that she threw her head back. "Oh, Lord help you, Stephanie."

.

**OoOoO**

Joe did come back later. As in a week later. He came strolling in one afternoon when I was alone. He looked around the shop and smiled. "Alone?"

I was frosting cookies at the large counter. I kept my eyes on my task. I was a little pissed that he felt like he could just waltz in and out of my life whenever he wanted. "Yes. May I help you?"

He shrugged. "When does this place close?"

"Seven."

"Are you mad at me?" he asked, surprised.

"No."

"Yes, you are. You're being short with me."

"I'm being nothing." I mentally rolled my eyes. What a lame response. _Go ahead and remind him that you're nothing, idiot!_

"I'm sorry I didn't come back sooner."

"It's fine." I looked up at him and noticed a large bruise on his cheek. I gasped. "Joe! What happened?"

"Fight."

I glared at him and aimed the frosting bag at him like a weapon.

He smiled. "I just pissed off the wrong person."

I sighed and resumed my frosting. "What are you doing?"

"I'm here to see a friend." He tilted his head to one side and grinned.

"No, I mean, what are you doing with your life?" I challenged him.

His mouth dropped open. "You always make me … how do you always know what to say to me?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I just say what I'm thinking."

He shook his head. "Yeah, I know. It's interesting."

"Interesting?"

"You don't … swoon like the other girls. And you don't expect me to try and make you."

"Swoon? Yeah, right," I retorted sarcastically. _Oh, Joe. If you had any idea how much I swoon for you._

He chuckled. "And you make me feel like I can tell you anything."

I stopped frosting and looked up at him. "I do?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"I didn't come see you this summer because I was embarrassed."

I sat the bag down. "About what?" I asked softly.

"That you'd judge me for not taking your advice."

"Advice?" I thought back to our few conversations. "You mean to join the Navy and then go to college?"

"Yeah. I let my mom and brothers convince me to stay home." He rolled his eyes. "I hate it."

"Then leave."

"I can't. My mom relies on me. Tony and Paul are moved out. That's why they want me home. To be the man of the house." He huffed.

"You're mom isn't alone. Your sisters are still there, right?"

"One is."

"Okay. Well, your mom can take care of herself. I'm sure your brothers would be there for her if she needed them."

He sighed. "You make it sound so easy."

"It is easy."

He looked me in the eyes. "You really believe I can do that?"

"Yes. And I don't judge you, Joe. You're going to have to make a decision that not everyone will like. That sucks."

He smiled. "It does."

We stared at each other for a moment. Finally, I broke the spell and picked up the frosting bag again. "You wanna help?"

He shook his head. "No thanks. Maybe I'll come by later."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Heard that before."

"Still doesn't count." He flashed me a bright grin and then left.

.

**OoOoO**

He came back again a week later. And the week after that. And the week after that. Joe only came on the days I worked alone. We always talked briefly, not really sharing anything significant. He did start helping me with the cookies, but he ate several of them so I shooed him back to the other side of the counter. Then he started arriving closer to seven after the fourth week. Our conversations grew deeper even if they never lasted for more than an hour. He would stay after I locked up and walk me to my car. Then he would tell me that it didn't count. Every time. I had no idea what actually would count, and I didn't care. I just wanted him to be there.

If anyone were to ask me what was going on between us, I honestly would not have had an answer. I only told Mary Lou about his first visit. I don't know why I didn't want her to know he was still coming. I think I wanted him all to myself – even if only in my own head. Joe flirted, but he never acted on it. He seemed disappointed that I hadn't told him about my birthday until afterwards. He gave me a Pearl Jam CD the next week. I played it constantly. By Thanksgiving, I had convinced myself that Joe was only ever going to be a friend. And his flirting was simply a part of his personality.

.

That's why when he came in one day in December, even when Big Red was working too, I was surprised that he immediately grabbed my hand and pulled me out back.

"I did it," he said proudly.

"Did what?" I asked, rubbing my arms as the cold air whipped around us.

"I enlisted."

"You did?" I shook my head and then smiled at him. "That's great, Joe."

"Thanks. I kept thinking that I was never going to do anything I wanted if I just let myself turn into another Morelli asshole."

I frowned at him. He rarely talked about his family. I hugged myself to keep warm. "You are in charge of your own destiny," I stated seriously and then giggled. "I think I heard that on a TV show."

He laughed. "Thank you, Stephanie."

I nodded. "That's what friends are for, right?"

He smiled his soft smile. I had only seen it a few times. Then, he reached out and pulled me to him. I immediately melted into his embrace. "You're shivering," he whispered, causing me to shiver for an entirely new reason.

He leaned back and opened his coat up and pulled me inside it, wrapping me up with him. I sighed as I leaned my cheek against his warm chest and wound my arms around him. He smelled so good. It was hard to not want to just inhale him. Or maybe lick him. That thought kind of surprised me.

He held me tightly and leaned his head down over me. "I leave in a few weeks," he said softly into the top of my head.

I tilted my chin up to meet his eyes. "Really?"

"After the New Year."

I blinked up at him. I was still having a hard time concentrating on anything other than the feel of him against me.

He leaned his forehead against mine. "I think I might miss you."

I pulled my head back. "You might?" I teased.

He gave me a squeeze, and it was all I could do to not whimper. I looked back at his chest, trying to regain my composure.

"Stephanie?" he whispered into my ear.

"Hmm?"

"Let me see those beautiful blue eyes."

I slowly lifted my face, expecting him to straighten up. Instead he kept his lips close, brushing them against my cheek as I turned to see him. My heart raced as I met his chocolate eyes. He smiled softly again and gently brushed his lips against mine. I was so surprised that I kept my eyes open the whole time. He leaned away from me and smiled.

"Close your eyes," he commanded quietly.

I obeyed and swallowed back my nerves. I waited for what seemed like several minutes in anticipation for him to kiss me again. I started to frown, feeling self-conscious of his gaze. He kissed my forehead, causing my frown to melt away. And then he kissed my nose. I smiled at that. And then, he kissed my lips again. Soft and sweet.

I actually felt my knees start to go weak. I didn't know that could really happen. I had only been kissed a few times, but nothing had ever felt like this. His lips were so warm and firm. His hands were in his coat pockets, holding me inside the warmth. He started to pull me into him, and his hands began to tug on me as well as they could through all our layers of clothing. I sighed into his kiss and hoped that he would start to make it a French kiss. Joe took my cue and slipped his tongue out, gently pushing past my eager lips. He moaned softly into my mouth and I returned it with my own soft whimpers. I slowly worked my hands up his back and then reached around to touch his cheek.

He groaned as he pulled away to catch his breath. "I want to use my hands," he said huskily.

Me too, I thought. I stroked his cheek and then tipped up on my toes to reach his lips again. "What's stopping you?" I asked.

He laughed briefly. "You're already cold. I can't keep you warm if I don't hold the coat shut."

"I think you're keeping me plenty warm."

He smiled and then pecked my nose again. "Oh, Cupcake, what am I going to do with you?"

"Cupcake?"

He nuzzled into my neck. "That's what I call you."

I pulled back and gave him a curious look. "What you call me when? I've never heard it."

He grabbed me again, cupping my butt as well as he could. My eyes popped open in surprise. He quickly leaned down and resumed kissing me. I wasn't about to stop him again. We continued, lost in each other, for several more minutes before I reluctantly stepped away from him.

"I'm surprised Big Red hasn't come calling yet."

He smirked. "She peeked out the door a few minutes ago."

"What?" I looked back at the door as if she might still be there. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"My lips were a little busy." He winked at me and then pulled me back to him. "I'll see you soon." He kissed me quickly.

"Okay," I murmured. I kissed him again. "Soon."

"Soon."

I walked up to the back door and looked back at him. "You coming back through?"

"No, I'll just walk around the side."

"'Kay. Oh, wait." I put my hands on my hips and lifted one brow. "Cupcake?"

He actually blushed. "Don't worry about it."

"Come on. I thought I made you feel like you could tell me things?"

He twisted his mouth to the side, considering my question. "You do. And I'll tell you next time."

"Fine," I said petulantly and rolled my eyes.

I opened the door and was about to step in when he stopped me. "And just so you know, Cupcake, this doesn't count."

I rolled my eyes again and then dramatically blew him a kiss.

.

.

.

* * *

Thank you for reading! You know what to do. :)


	3. Chapter 2

A/N: Still not mine. *Sigh*

And a huge thanks to all my readers and reviewers! Julie, you know how much I appreciate you. Thank you!

And now the big moment. I hope it meets your expectations! :)

.

* * *

**A Change In Me **

**Chapter Two**

* * *

.

Joe came back a few nights later just before I was closing the shop. He was wearing his long wool coat again. I smiled sweetly at him as he entered, remembering how it felt to be wrapped in that coat.

"Just in time. I was about to lock you out."

"Maybe you should have," he said with a somber look. He turned, locked the door, and flipped the sign around.

I started to protest that we had three more minutes until seven, but the words caught in my throat when he turned back and gave me a sexy smirk. I swallowed silently instead. The truth was that I wanted a repeat of the other night's kiss more than anything else on the planet. I had relived and fantasized about that kiss all night and then all the next day in school. I even got in trouble in Pre-Calculus for not paying attention.

He sauntered over to me and hopped up on the counter. "You need help with anything?"

"Um … I need to sweep. And I need to count the drawer. I have everything else done. It was a slow night."

"I'll do the floors so you can finish the drawer."

"Okay. Thanks." I stared at him for a minute but then blushed as he grinned knowingly at me. I shook my head and tried to ignore him as I counted the money.

He came around behind the counter and brushed against me as he reached for the broom. I practically jumped straight up in the air.

"You nervous about something, Cupcake?" he asked softly, just behind me.

I shook my head no. "N-no. I'm fine."

"Good." He leaned over and pecked me on the jaw, close to my ear. He then laid his coat over the counter and started to sweep, like he had done a few times before.

For some reason, everything felt different tonight. I didn't think it was because we had kissed. This was Joe Morelli. Simple kissing probably did not even mean anything to him. He and Terry had dated for over two years, but they had broken up a few times before the last one and Joe was known to take full advantage of his freedom. I smiled as I realized that while Joe may be very experienced, he did not have a reputation as a cheater. That was one thing I could never forgive.

I finished marking the books and placed the money in the deposit bag. I stood and watched him sweeping the back room. He had on a fitted long-sleeve thermal shirt with faded jeans. I admired the way his back moved as he worked the broom back and forth. Then I allowed myself one long look at his butt. Holy moly! What a perfect butt! I quickly diverted my eyes back up to his back and waited for him to turn around.

He paused and looked over his shoulder. "Enjoying the show?"

I giggled. "Very much so." Man, I really did say whatever I was thinking to him.

He finished sweeping everything into the dustpan and smirked as he walked back past me to put the broom away. I couldn't keep the grin off my face as I placed the deposit bag in the safe. There was nothing left to do but kiss. Yay!

I made my way back into the front of the shop and noticed that Joe was already turning off the lights. Maybe he was going to take me on a date! It was only 7:20. I could be out until 10.

He came over to me and stood right in front of me, almost touching. "Everything is done."

I bit my lip and nodded. "Yep. Looks like we are free."

He tilted his head, puzzling me. "You have a thing with freedom, don't you?"

I shook my head in surprise. "I do?"

"I think so."

"Maybe." I thought for a moment. "I sometimes feel like I don't know who I am here. Like I might never know who I am if I don't go out there and find it. Does that make sense?"

"Perfect sense." He gave me the soft smile again. "I think that's really why I wanted to join. To find the real me without the crap that comes along with being a Morelli."

"You're dad was a bad man, wasn't he?" His eyes widened, and I immediately regretted blurting that out. "I'm sorry!" I considered telling him about his school file, but I didn't want him to be mad.

"No. No, it's okay. It's just … no one ever talks about him." He stepped closer to me and placed his hands on my hips. "You always challenge me, Stephanie."

"My mom thinks I thrive on challenging people."

He smiled. "I like that about you." He reached up and stroked a finger down my cheek. "And yes, he was. He was a drunk. He stepped out on my mom all the time. He was mean to all of us."

I took a shuddering breath. I couldn't believe I ever complained about my parents. "I'm so sorry, Joe."

"I didn't get the worst of it because I was so young. My brothers took a lot of the … " He frowned. "The hits."

I didn't know what to say so I just placed a hand against his chest.

"He just … he didn't …" He closed his eyes. "I don't think he loved us. Maybe ever. I don't know. Maybe he didn't know how." He opened his eyes and I could see a hint of fear in them. "I can tell you anything. It's the craziest thing."

"You're going to be such a better man," I said softly. "I think that you're going to go out there and see and do great things."

Suddenly, I wanted to cry. Even though I believed every word I was saying, a part of me hated that it probably meant he would never come back to the Burg. To me.

He sighed. "I hope so. They all – my family – they all expect me to, I don't know, erase all the bad memories or something."

"You don't have to do that, Joe. Just be you." I blinked back a tear. "You only have to compete with yourself. That's what my Grandpa Mazur always tells me when I feel like a toad next to Valerie."

He wiped the tear from my cheek. "He's a smart man." Gently, he cupped my face. "If I kiss this toad, will you turn into a princess?"

I glared at him. "You're supposed to say, 'Who's Valerie?'"

He laughed softly. "I definitely might miss you."

"I definitely might miss you too," I whispered, my throat closing up with emotion.

He pulled me to him and hugged me tightly, his hands rubbing slowly up and down my back. It wasn't what I expected, but I enjoyed it just the same. Somehow that hug felt like it meant something more than the kissing we had shared a few nights before. I relaxed into his arms and leaned my head onto his chest. After a moment, I kissed him on the neck. I don't even know why I did it. I just did. And Joe's hands immediately froze on my back.

He breathed into my hair. "You have no idea how much I want you, Cupcake."

I gasped as I felt his words resonating in places I had never explored.

He slowly lowered his hands down my back and onto my butt. I whimpered as I felt him pressing into me. I had never felt that before either. And instead of being frightened, I wanted more. I leaned my head back to look at him. His eyes were closed and he looked like he was concentrating on something.

"Kiss me," I whispered against his neck.

"I told myself I wouldn't …"

I reached up and stroked his cheek like I had when we had kissed.

He opened his eyes and looked down at me. His eyes were darker than I had ever seen them. He was looking at me in such a way that I felt like he was seeing into my soul. Yearning to feel his lips again, I licked mine. I had been so bold, but at that moment I wanted him to make the next move. I needed him to show me that he really did want me.

"Cupcake," he whispered. "I leave in two weeks."

"I know." I smiled at him. So that was what was holding him back. "Joe, I don't expect anything from you. I want you to leave. I'm so proud of you, that you're following your heart. I hope I can someday do the same. You …" I was stupidly tearing up again. I smiled again to cover up my embarrassment. "I just want to enjoy you while I can."

He gaped at me for a moment. "You never cease to amaze me, Stephanie." He looked up to the ceiling, but his arms tightened around me.

I watched him as he debated. I still didn't understand why he was hesitating. He had no problems kissing me the other night. I still had my hand against his face. Losing my nerve, I slowly moved my hand down his chest when he suddenly grabbed it and held it to his heart. Lowering his face to mine, he stared me in the eyes with an almost predatory gaze. One little part of me was slightly frightened of him. I somehow knew that we had reached a kind of turning point.

"This is going to count, Cupcake," he murmured.

"Okay."

He captured my lips, more aggressively than he had before. I gasped immediately and welcomed his tongue into my mouth. It didn't take long before his hands were grasping my hips and he was pressing into me, hard. I ran my hands down his back, but then I placed one in his hair. Oh boy. That was the right move. Joe groaned in satisfaction and then grabbed me and hoisted me up onto the counter. He quickly shoved himself between my legs and yanked me back towards him so that we were pressed against each other in the most intimate way, letting me feel him more than before. I was surprised at the heat that was growing between us down there. I wanted to move against him, and a part of me was shocked that I was being so wanton. Joe's hands were working their way around to my front. He quickly started to unbutton my flannel, groaning in frustration when he reached in to cup my boobs and discovered my t-shirt underneath. Even over my shirt, I practically mewed at the feel of his hands on me, his thumbs stroking me.

He leaned away from me, panting. "We need to get this shirt off of you."

"Yours too," I said excitedly.

Grinning at me in amusement, he retorted, "No problem." He reached down and pulled his shirt off in one swift movement.

I blinked at him in awe. He was so hot! Reaching out tentatively, I touched his chest. Oh my goodness! He felt as good as he looked. I closed my eyes and let my fingers happily explore the hard lines and ridges of his muscles.

"Oh, Cupcake," he murmured. "Your turn."

Feeling a little bit on display, I looked around behind me at the large front windows of the bakery. "Can we move this somewhere more private?"

"How about …" He grabbed his coat from next to me and laid it out on the floor. "Here."

He hoisted me up, and I immediately wrapped my legs around his waist. "Oh, Joe." I tilted my head back as he latched on to my neck.

He gently laid us down on his coat. I would probably love this coat for the rest of my life.

He started grinding against me, and I shamelessly arched my chest up into his face. With a mischievous smile, he murmured, "I think it's about time you returned the favor, Cupcake." He tugged on the bottom of my t-shirt.

I nodded and then sat up partway. "Help me?" I asked breathlessly.

He took a deep breath. "You're so … " He shut his eyes and shook his head. Then after pushing the open flannel off my shoulders, he bunched it up like a pillow behind me. He paused and looked at me sweetly before gently lifting my t-shirt off of me.

I closed my eyes as my shirt passed over my head. Then I kept them shut, afraid to see his reaction to my chest. It wasn't that I was flat. In fact, it was the one area that I definitely looked better than Valerie. But I had never had gone this far before. And Joe had probably seen more than his fair share of perfect breasts.

He ran his finger across my chest and then I could feel him leaning closer to me. His lips brushed against my neck causing a delicious series of tingles to begin from his lips all the way down my spine.

"You're so beautiful, Stephanie," he spoke softly against my throat before working his mouth down to the valley between my breasts. "So, so beautiful."

I peeked at him through hooded eyes. He looked so enthralled with me. And it made me feel sexy. I don't think I had ever felt that before. I had imagined it, wanted it, but I had never really felt that sense of power. That's what it was, too. It was powerful. I grabbed his face and brought it up to mine, kissing him urgently as I laid back down, pulling him on top of me.

Before long, the jeans we were both wearing were simply getting in the way. Joe had reached down into mine and stroked me, causing me to cry out in pleasure. I watched Joe's face each time I made a sound and noticed that it seemed to turn him on even more, if that was possible. I reached down and opened my jeans, smiling at him. He didn't hesitate to help me shimmy out of my pants. He looked down at me in reverence, and I felt another surge of power. Then I reached up and pulled on his jeans. They were button-fly. For some reason that seemed so much hotter than regular jeans to me. I smiled at him as he sat back on his heels and watched me slowly loosen each button from its hole.

We both gasped once they were completely open. I could see him! He was coming out of his boxers. Oh my goodness! I swallowed as I watched him rub himself. I wanted to touch too so I reached my hand out to join his.

"Holy shit, Stephanie!" he yelped. He pushed my hand away from him.

"I'm sorry," I pleaded. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

He chuckled softly. "You didn't hurt me. I just don't want to …" He blushed. "You're so … "

"I'm so what? You've said that twice now without finishing."

He laughed louder. "You always surprise me. You're so … real. I'm used to girls saying whatever they think I want them to say. I love that you don't do that."

I blushed brightly. Wow. He loved something about me!

He continued to stroke himself, but his eyes had dropped down to my open legs. "You know I did say I wanted to taste your cupcake."

"You _did_," I replied matter-of-factly. "I gave you my favorite the first time." As soon as I said that, I realized how stupid I was being. "Oh."

"Can I taste?" he asked seductively.

I blinked at him in disbelief. I thought guys only wanted girls to do that to them. "Are you sure?"

"Oh, believe me, I'm sure." He gave me a wolfish grin before capturing my lips again and lowering us back onto the floor.

Once I was lying down again, Joe started working his way down my chest. He reached under me and removed my bra. He had already pushed the cups down earlier, so it was more out of convenience at this point. He kissed each nipple, sucking gently as his hand crept between my legs. I moaned loudly as he sucked a little harder, and I barely noticed as he slipped one finger inside me. Then that was all I could focus on. I watched in fascination as he trailed kisses down my stomach and over my hips and then down between my legs, slowly removing my panties before he began in earnest.

I was surprised how quickly my body responded to his touches. The swirl of sensations reminded me of some of the dreams I had been having lately, waking up just before the good part. I had a feeling I was about to get to the good part for real. My whole body felt on edge. Every nerve tight with anticipation.

Just as I was about to experience what I hoped to be my first orgasm, Joe pulled away. "I need to be in you." His eyes were practically black and he looked almost feral. "Now."

I was still in a daze and really wanted to keep feeling that fire that had just started to burn within me. "Yes," I nearly cried.

He swiftly shoved his pants off, and I barely noticed him lining up to me as my mind was still spinning in pleasure and need. After a quick kiss, he was pushing his way into me. We both were moaning as he slowly eased in. It felt so amazing to be this close to him, so overwhelming to know that he was inside me, so very good ... until it didn't.

I shrieked out as he broke through my virginity. "Owwww!" I cried into his ear. "Please don't move."

He leaned his head against the crook of my neck, and he held himself perfectly still. I tried concentrating on the sound of our breathing competing back and forth as our chests pushed against each other.

He put his elbows down on the ground and held himself up to look at me. "I'm sorry," he breathed. "I thought maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I've never been with a virgin before."

I was so embarrassed. "I'm sorry."

"Stephanie," he called quietly and waited for me to look up at him. "Don't be sorry. I should have made sure you were ready." He reached up and wiped the tears from my cheek.

When he had moved, he shifted within me. "Ah!" I stared up at him, wide-eyed. "Not yet."

He gave me a tight smile. "Okay."

I lay there, eyes closed, and counted to ten, hoping I would start to feel better soon. Peering back up at Joe, I noticed how pained he looked. "Joe?"

"Yeah," he gritted.

"Are you okay?"

"I …" He grimaced. "I really want to move. You feel so good, Cupcake." He leaned down and kissed me sweetly.

I spoke into his mouth. "Don't move yet."

He groaned in frustration.

"Just let me get used to it," I said, feeling a little more in control of my emotions.

He smiled at me. "So demanding," he teased.

"Of course I am. Now hold still, I want to try something."

He gave me a curious look, but he didn't move.

I shifted around beneath him, discovering that the pain was quickly fading as new waves of pleasure were starting to roll through me. I watched the pleasure wash over Joe's face and decided to keep it up. I also was kind of in awe of his ability to refrain. Pretty soon, I was almost rocking into him.

"Joe?"

His eyes were closed tight. "Yeah?"

"Thank you."

He leaned down and started kissing me slowly. I felt my body relax more and more with each kiss. He moaned softly into my mouth, and I clenched him, down there.

"Uh!" he gasped. "I can't wait much longer, Cupcake!"

"Don't," I said softly.

And that was all it took for him to take over. It felt so wonderful. I finally got why so many girls were willing to do this. Even if my body had not been spiraling into a realm of pleasure I had never known, I still would have done it to make Joe feel that way. I was captivated by him, watching his face as he moved above me. And I knew in that moment that I loved him.

Then just as I was starting to feel my body boil over again, he jerked to a stop and collapsed onto me.

"Unhhh," he panted into my neck. "Oh, Stephanie. That was amazing." He turned his head and started kissing my neck. "Are you okay?"

I turned to look him in the eye. "I'm wonderful."

He grinned. "I'm sorry I didn't last long. That was … I've never just waited like that. It made everything really intense."

"That was my plan all along," I stated smugly.

He chuckled as he rolled away from me. Suddenly, I missed him, missed having him be a part of me. I shifted onto my side to better see him and to stay closer to him.

He mirrored my movement and traced a finger down my arm. "You cold?"

I shook my head no. "Not yet."

"Where did you learn to … um… squeeze like that?"

I quickly pecked him on the lips. "Ancient Chinese Secret."

He flopped onto his back and laughed. I scooted closer to him and laid my head on his chest. He immediately wrapped his arms around me.

I kissed the hair on his perfect chest. "I read about it in Cosmo like a year ago. I practice all the time in school when I'm bored. They're called kegels."

Kissing my head, he murmured, "I should write to Cosmo and thank them."

"Or you could just thank me," I said as I looked up at him.

He tilted his head up to kiss me. "Thank you. So much. Did you … enjoy it too?"

"Yeah. It wasn't like Maggie said, but it was still pretty awesome."

He frowned at me. "Who's Maggie and what did she tell you?"

I realized he thought I was referring to someone he had been with. "No! She's Valerie's roommate at college. She thinks I'm super fun. And she said I would see the stars."

"Oh," he replied softly. "And you didn't see the stars?"

"Not so much. I thought I was going to before you … um …finished."

He put a hand to his forehead. "It's a good thing that I know how great I am at this, or I might just feel offended by this conversation."

"I'm sorry."

"Cupcake, it wouldn't be you if you weren't honest. That's why I …" He dropped his hand.

"What?"

He gave me his soft smile and kissed me again. "Stay put. I'm going to get some napkins."

"Okay."

Joe jumped up, completely naked, and went into the back room. I just enjoyed watching him. He returned with some paper towels, which he handed to me before disappearing again into the other room. He came back in again and picked up my coat. I tried not to look too disappointed. I wasn't ready for this to end. I just wanted to spend time with him. I couldn't imagine going home now. He lay next to me and draped the coat over us.

"You were getting cold," he explained as he pulled me half on him again.

"Thanks," I said softly through the broad grin spreading across my face.

"And … I wanted to teach you something."

"Oh really?"

He shifted me over him completely, and I could feel him stirring again. "I think I need to give you an astronomy lesson."

"Oh. Okay," I sighed.

.

The next time was completely astronomical. Joe insisted I stay on top, and I was so embarrassed at first. But he told me again how beautiful I was and that he wanted to really watch. Plus, he explained that I could have more control. I liked that, and I decided to just get over my insecurities and enjoy him. And enjoy him I did. All the way.

Joe looked at me like I was some kind of goddess. He sat up and held my face, kissing me repeatedly, before he quickly flipped us around so he was on top again.

And just before he finished, I grabbed his face. "Look at me this time."

He blinked at me, lost in his approaching climax. "What?" he gasped.

"I want to see you," I said and then moaned as he sped up his pace.

He kept his eyes on me and I could see a whirlwind of emotions flitting through his eyes. I chose to ignore the fear I saw. He probably was just afraid that he would look weird. But I would never forget that face. He was stunning.

Afterwards, we collapsed into a heap on top of both our coats. I immediately clung to his side and traced circles through his chest hair. "That was a stellar performance. Simply stellar."

He chuckled. "As every astronomy lesson should be."

"Exactly." I leaned up and stroked his hair from his forehead, taking in his handsome face. "I think I definitely _will_ miss you."

He studied me for a moment. "You might."

"No, Joe. I will." I wanted to tell him that I had fallen in love with him, but some part of me held back. How cliché would that be to tell him after having sex? Holy cow! I just had sex – twice!

"What's that grin about?" he asked.

"Nothing. Just how lucky I am to have you."

He frowned a little. "I leave soon."

"I know. Maybe I'll write you. Would that be okay?"

He gently pushed me up as he sat up completely. He reached for his clothes and started getting dressed. "I don't know where I am going to be yet."

"Oh. Well, you can write me then."

He nodded his head and then pulled his thermal shirt back on. "You need to get home, Stephanie. It's getting late and you have school tomorrow."

I looked over at the clock. It was after nine. "Okay."

I quickly put my clothes on and went back to the closet where I kept my purse. I could hear Joe straightening up in the other room. I was starting to freak out a little. He had been so sweet before. And now he seemed distant. He kissed me once more before leaving, but he didn't say his usual comment about it not counting. I knew he had said that it had counted earlier, but not hearing it again made our goodbye feel final. I refused to believe that everything between us was over. I smiled as normally as I could as I watched him walk to his car. By the time I made it to mine, I was crying.

.

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Thank you for reading! And now reviewing, right? :)


	4. Chapter 3

A/N: Julie, thank you.

This is a big chapter - longer than I normally post, but I decided to keep it together. It's also the last of the "past" chapters. It's also probably not going to make some of you very happy. Sorry about that.

Thanks to all the readers and reviewers!

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* * *

**A Change In Me **

**Chapter Three**

* * *

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By the next morning I had convinced myself that Joe wasn't acting strange at all. It was probably normal for a boy to withdraw after sharing such an intense emotional experience. And it really had been. I had heard a lot of girls bragging about their sexual activities, but I had never heard anyone describe how deep your emotions would run and how much you felt like you were sharing your heart. No. Sharing one heart. For the time we were connected physically, I had felt like Joe was right there with me. A part of me. On every level. As sappy as that made me feel, it also scared me a little bit too. I couldn't even begin to understand how people could ignore that and just move on to another person.

All day long I dreamed about Joe. About our night together. I think I would have been in trouble if it weren't finals week and most of my time was wasted with study sessions anyway. But, having lots of time to analyze what had happened, I came to three conclusions. One: no way was what we shared the normal experience. Girls would definitely talk about this part of sex if they knew about it. Two: if it overwhelmed me a little bit, Joe was probably really scared. He was a boy after all. And three: I was in love with Joseph Anthony Morelli. And how could I regret sharing something so beautiful with the boy I loved.

With those thoughts in mind, I pushed all my doubts about Joe's behavior out of my mind. But then he didn't even call me that night. Not that he had ever called me before, but since I wasn't scheduled at the bakery, I had hoped he might break tradition. I mean, we had pretty much broken all our traditions the night before, right?

My mind started to betray me the next day as I started to remember the few times I had seen girls crying in the gym bathrooms at the end of a dance. I vividly recalled one girl repeating over and over through her tears that he told her sex would make them stronger. Her friends had surrounded her and comforted her with normal 'boys suck!' and 'they all want one thing' comments.

I'm not even sure I passed my finals that day. I could barely concentrate on anything other than wondering what Joe was doing or thinking.

That night I took a walk around the block that ended up in front of the Morellis' house. I just stood there in the cold, shivering and crying. I was so confused. I thought love was supposed to be wonderful. _Only if it's returned_, a small voice whispered in my mind. But I knew he cared. He had to. The way he looked at me. The way he touched me. He had to feel something. It had been special. I knew it had been. I bit into my scarf to hold back a sob. I felt guilty for doubting him and guilty for trusting him. Standing there in the shadows of the trees, I started to wonder if Joe was even scared about what had happened between us. Maybe he _didn't_ think what we had shared was special. Maybe he didn't care at all. I couldn't bring myself to go up to the house, and Joe's car wasn't in the drive anyway.

Mom fussed over my red nose and cheeks when I came back in and forced a large hot cocoa into my hands. I listened to her scold me as best as I could, but what I really wanted to tell her was that I didn't care if I got sick. If Joe didn't care about me, why should I?

I wrote a long letter to him during my second study session the next day. Somewhere in the middle of my restless night, I had decided that I should just be his friend. Maybe he was trying to figure out how to tell me that he could love me but since he was leaving he didn't want to have me waiting for him. I think a part of me knew I was reaching, but the moment my mind stumbled upon this line of thought, I ran with it. I wished with all my heart that Joe loved me, but I felt like losing his friendship too would be even worse. I already missed him. I convinced myself I could go back to being his friend. And maybe over time, he would want to see if there was more between us. But he wouldn't ever wonder if I never talked to him again. I knew I had to at least keep our friendship. I could write him and keep up some kind of connection when he was gone. And who knows, maybe by the time he came back, I would be over him. Or we would be even stronger than ever and ready to really be together. In the letter, I never directly referenced the sex but I told him how much I appreciated our closeness and friendship. That I wanted us to always be friends.

I planned on giving him the letter when I got off of work that night, but secretly, I wanted him to show up and confess his love for me. I even left the bakery open until 7:30, hoping he would stroll in and give me his sheepish grin. I would forgive him with a lingering kiss, and then I would demand that he take me out on a real date. Afterwards, we could go somewhere private – not the bakery – and maybe have another chance to make love.

I thoroughly cleaned every nook and corner of the Tasty Pastry, trying to delay my departure. By 9 I had given up on Joe and on the letter. I burned it over the stove in the back room. The flames nipped at my fingers, and the pain seemed to break me out of my trance. I collapsed onto the floor and sobbed into my hands. He wasn't going to come back. Maybe ever. And even if he did have feelings for me, we were not a couple. I had no claim to him.

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**OoOoO**

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Val came home on Friday for Christmas break with her roommate Maggie. They were going to a house party on the other side of town. My sister had loosened up a bit since going to college, and I thanked Maggie for that. Maggie was a little wild. She came from a wealthy family in upstate New York who would rather buy her another trinket than spend any time with her. I think she thought coming to Jersey was like some kind of adventure. And for whatever reason, she liked Valerie. But she liked me too. And when she saw me moping around Friday night, she invited me to join them.

I was back to holding out on a phone call from Joe. It was easier to keep hoping for him to call than to actually try calling him and facing his possible rejection. I had cried myself to sleep the night I closed the bakery, but I woke up with a new determination to hold out until Joe left for the Navy. I decided to not jump to any conclusions until he was gone. And even then, I planned on writing him a new letter to send to him at training camp.

Valerie actually helped get me fixed up for the party, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. We arrived at the house around ten and the party was in full swing. I recognized a lot of Val's classmates from high school. I also realized that there were some boys I didn't know who took me for another college student. Maggie forced a beer into my hands and insisted I drink at least two so I could enjoy myself and get over my bad mood. I didn't really care for the taste of beer, but I quickly downed the one she gave me and then started sipping on a second one.

I had an okay time. I danced a lot. A few times with some really cute guys. But my thoughts were still on Joe. I kept wondering why couldn't we be at this party together? I headed back over to the dining room to get another drink when I found out that we were.

There he was, locking lips with a tall blonde. I almost tripped into the table when I saw him. Thankfully, the room was crowded with people eating the last of the chips and pretzels on the table, and I don't think Joe removed his face from the slut long enough to notice me. Immediately, my eyes blurred with tears and I could feel my cheeks flaming. My heart was thumping loudly in my ears, screaming at me to turn away. To somehow stop the pain. I spun on my heel and fled to the room on the other side of the dining room, taking the long route and going through the large open room where everyone was dancing. I was practically knocking people out of my way. When I found my spot half-hidden behind an armoire, I just stood against the wall and watched him.

"She's such an idiot!" Stacey Tipton yelled into my ear over the music. She was in Joe and Valerie's class.

"Who?" I whipped around and looked at her, hoping that my eyes were dry.

"Becky!" She pointed over to the blonde that was wrapped around Joe. "She thinks he's going to come back and marry her some day."

I choked on my drink. "Marry her?"

She laughed. "I know. She's been chasing him for months. She's got this whole plan where she's going to send him letters and candy and all kinds of things to keep her in his mind while he's gone."

I closed my eyes. I had been hoping to do the same thing.

She continued, thankfully oblivious to my turmoil. "She thinks just because he's been seeing her that he's going to change. He's a Morelli. Unless he gets her pregnant, he's never going to marry her. That's why his brother Tony married Angelina, you know. She was knocked up. And their mom made him marry her."

"I didn't know that," I admitted. "So Joe and Becky … they're sleeping together?" God, I sounded pathetic.

Stacey laughed. "Every chance she can get. She's been freaking out since he went in for his MEPS."

It took me a moment to swallow back the bile that had immediately come up when I heard her confirmation about them having sex. I took a few deep breaths before asking her, "How do you know all this?" Joe hadn't even told me anything until he was enlisted and scheduled for his ceremony. Of course, he hadn't mentioned dating anyone either.

"She's my cousin's new neighbor. So we have to include her all the time since my aunt thinks she doesn't have any friends."

"Oh."

"He broke up with her a few weeks ago."

"Oh."

"I'm actually surprised to see them here together."

"Oh."

"You doing okay, Steph? You look like you might be getting sick? You want me to find Val for you?"

"No! No, I think I drank too quickly. I'll be fine. Maybe I should just dance it off." I gave her as close to a smile as my breaking heart would allow.

"Sure. Just be careful. And make sure you let Val know if you go upstairs with one of these guys."

My eyes widened. "For what?"

She rolled her eyes at me. "Uh … sex. And be safe!"

"Right." I smiled again and stalked back over to where everyone was dancing.

I was kind of offended that she would think I was the type of girl to sleep with some guy I just met. But then I realized that I had just slept with a guy who never even once called my house. Never took me out on a date. Never even saw me outside of the bakery. Probably so I wouldn't ruin his plans with the blonde bimbo.

I had thought he wouldn't cheat. I had thought he wasn't like that. I had thought that he cared about me. I wiped at a tear as I started to dance with the crowd. I knew I needed to pull it together. The last thing I wanted was for him to see me there and crying. He would probably just assume it was over him – even if he would be right. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction.

I danced for as long as I could without passing out, one faceless and nameless guy after another. I hoped I was putting up a good front, but inside I was falling apart. Every smile, every flirty gesture, every sexy twist of my hips was all for Joe. Just in case he was watching.

I think it was close to one in the morning by the time I made my way back to the kitchen to get some water. I kept my head down the whole time. I absolutely would not be looking for Joe. He and Becky probably were already off somewhere having sex anyway!

"Hello," a low voice called out to me.

"Hey," I said, scowling at the tall boy blocking my path.

"You're pretty cute," he said with a boyish grin. "Even though you look a little pissed."

"Sorry," I quickly replied. "I'm just thirsty."

"Oh, well, come this way. I have a great drink in the fridge for only the prettiest girls here."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Does that actually work?"

He threw an arm around my shoulder. "Why don't you come and find out?"

"Why not," I said cheerily. I just wanted to forget. It was getting harder to mask the pain. The dancing had been a good distraction, but I also had started to work off those two beers. And after the initial shock, the reality of what I had seen was starting to rip through me, shredding my heart.

I quickly discovered that my new friend's name was Rick as I drank out of his special thermos. He passed it around to several of his friends, so I wasn't worried that it was drugged. I saw Maggie checking on me at one point, and it made me feel safe enough to let loose. I never did see Joe though, and I didn't know if I was happy or sad he was probably gone. Shoving all thoughts of him out of mind, I continued to party with Rick and his friends, enjoying the numbness that the drinking was providing. Eventually Rick took me back out onto the dance floor. He was pretty handsy, but I didn't really mind. I didn't really mind anything at that point. I was feeling kind of like I was floating most of the time.

.

I woke up the next morning in a strange room. I gasped as I looked down and realized that I was naked. In my panic, I fell over the sheets as I tried to get out of the bed.

"Hey, Stephie, you don't have to run," a groggy male voice whined from the bed, pulling me back with the sheets. "Besides, I need those covers."

I froze as he draped his arm over me again. "Um… I really need to go. I'm going to get in so much trouble." I took a sharp intake of air as I struggled to remember his name. Rick! _Oh my goodness! What have I done?_

"I can drive you home," he offered. "Sleep first." He nuzzled into my neck.

"No!" I screamed and pushed him off of me. "I need to go."

"Stephie, calm down. It's no problem. Just let me sleep a little bit longer." He smiled through a yawn and tugged the blankets back around him. "Maybe we can get some breakfast."

"Rick. How old are you?"

"Twenty-two. Why?"

"Well, I'm seventeen. My dad will be freaking out by now that I'm not home."

He bolted up from the bed. "Oh shit! You're a minor? Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

"Why did you get me so drunk?" I screamed at him and then clutched my head. "Ow."

"Shit!" He jumped up from the bed and began digging in a suitcase at the end of the bed. "Get dressed!"

I glared at him, but that hurt too, so I just decided to get dressed.

Once we were in his car, he revealed that he was from Ohio. He was visiting a cousin who lived in Newark who brought him to Trenton for the weekend. He had no idea where he was, and it took several wrong turns before I recognized where we were.

"Um, Stephie, I just wanted you to know that I would never have slept with you if I knew you weren't eighteen."

"It's fine, Rick." I wanted to tell him to stop calling me Stephie, but mostly I wanted to never see him again.

"And we used a condom. I swear. I never have sex without one. I should have showed it to you before we left."

My heart practically stopped. I wasn't in denial about what had happened, but hearing him talk about condoms just seemed to make it so much worse. "That's good," I choked out.

"You're not going to report me, are you?"

"No."

"Okay."

Once we made it a few blocks from my house, I insisted he let me out.

"Are you really sure you want to walk the rest of the way?" he asked, leaning across the seats and looking up at me. "It's really cold."

"My dad may be sitting on the porch. Let's not risk it."

"Okay. Thanks." He smiled, relieved I think to be done with me.

"You swear you used a condom?"

"Oh God, yes. I swear. I'll take you back and show you if you want."

"No! I believe you."

I shut the door and practically ran the rest of the way back to my house. I wracked my brain, trying to remember the details of the night before. I could vaguely recall getting into the bed with him. Some kissing. Some stripping. I stopped running just as I reached my lawn. The condom. I remembered him putting it on. And as soon as I pictured him putting it on, I could hear myself saying I had never seen that done before.

Because Joe didn't do that.

I dropped to my knees in the snow.

I started crying quietly at first. It was as if all the emotions from the last five days had finally come to the surface. I sobbed into my hands and barely felt my dad pull me up and carry me into the house.

"Stephanie," he said softly as he pried my hands away from my face. "Are you hurt?"

"No," I cried.

"Did someone … " He grimaced and looked up at the ceiling. "Did someone rape you?"

I burst into tears and flung myself into his arms. "No. He didn't rape me. I'm so sorry, Daddy. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," he said evenly. He stroked my back. "What happened? We were going to call the police. And Valerie has been hysterical. She thought someone may have drugged you."

I pulled back and wiped my face with my coat sleeves. "I was drinking. I'm so sorry. I … I woke up in bed with someone."

He closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. "Where is he?"

"He's gone. I had someone else bring me home."

"Where did he go?"

"I don't know."

I knew I had to lie. My dad would be hunting down Rick in a heartbeat. And I just wanted to never think about the last night again. I felt so dirty and disgusting. I really wanted to take a shower.

He sighed heavily and stepped away from me. "Don't tell your mother. She will be beside herself if she thought someone took advantage of you."

"I don't think anything happened."

I had no idea why I said that. I just couldn't handle admitting to my dad that I wasn't a virgin anymore. Even Valerie openly talked about waiting until her wedding night. Virginal Valerie! I was never going to be as good as her.

He looked at me, hopeful that I was telling the truth. "You sure you're … okay?"

"Yeah, I'm mad at myself, but I'm okay."

"You're grounded the rest of break. And … I hope you realize how dangerous it is to drink like that. God, Stephanie, you shouldn't even be drinking! You're lucky nothing bad happened to you."

I nodded obediently. I couldn't even look him in the eye.

"Go on upstairs. You're mother was up 'til 3 this morning. She'll probably sleep in a little bit."

I felt another wave of tears hit me. I felt so guilty, and I couldn't even begin to think about my realization in the snow. I forced myself to look up at my dad once more, and I thanked him before bolting for the refuge of the bathroom.

I slept as long as Mom would let me. I don't think she knew what to say to me so she sent Valerie to get me up.

"I'm so sorry, Stephanie. I should have never let Maggie convince me that you were okay."

"Why did you leave me?" I asked her, slightly angry.

"She said you left with some friends. I didn't know you left with some guy."

I thought about that. I guess I didn't wake up in the same house as the party. I buried my face in my knees and pulled my covers over my head. "What did you tell Mom?"

"Just that. That I thought you were with friends. I didn't tell them about the guy."

I fell back into my bed. "I told Dad. I should've said I was with friends. Why didn't I think of that?"

"Dad said you were pretty distraught when he found you outside."

"He doesn't want Mom to know." I sat up again and looked at her. "Where's Maggie?"

"She's with Mom, learning how to bake cookies from scratch."

"I was so stupid, Valerie."

"Are you okay? Did …" She blushed. "Did you sleep with him?"

I felt my face twist in anguish. "Yes," I whispered.

"Oh, Steph!" She pulled me into her arms and let me cry on her shoulder. "It's going to be okay. No one has to know."

"I'll know."

"Some day, your husband will understand." She petted my head.

I pulled away from her. "My husband will understand? Thanks, Val. Way to make me feel more like a slut."

She frowned. "That's not what I meant. I just meant that when you marry, he will love you and not judge you for not having saved yourself."

I rolled my eyes at her. "Right," I said, resigned to just let her be herself.

She looked away for a moment and then brightened as she turned back to me. "You want to know what happened at the party?"

"Sure. What happened?"

"Joe Morelli was there with some girl and they got into a huge fight."

My eyes widened and my heart immediately started to race. "Really? What about?"

"Apparently he was caught watching some girl dancing with some guy and got really jealous. His girlfriend got super mad at him and slapped him. And then he screamed at her that he could look at whoever he wanted since they weren't together anymore."

I started playing with the edge of my blanket. I was torn with feeling happy that he kicked the bimbo to the curb and feeling even worse that there was yet one more girl out there that he had been seeing behind my back. That's exactly how it felt. It felt like he had betrayed me. Even though I knew he hadn't.

"Steph? You're not still hung up on him, are you?"

I quickly looked up at her. "What?"

She smiled. "He's not worth it. I know you were kind of talking to him last year. But he's leaving with the Army or something – "

"Navy," I said without even thinking.

She gave me a pointed look, reminding me of Mom. "You still like him, don't you?"

"No!"

"Well, I'm glad he's leaving. He would just hurt you in the end."

I sighed. Too late, Valerie. Too late.

She looked back over at my door. "I met someone last night," she whispered.

"Is it a secret?"

"I don't know. He's… I think he's the one." She practically beamed.

Of course. I see Joe with another girl and drink myself into the bed of a stranger. She meets Prince Charming. "Is that why you weren't watching out for your baby sister?"

She dropped her eyes. "Yes. I'm so sorry, Stephanie. His name is Steven. He's a graduate student at Rutgers. He's studying computer science. We went for a walk and then we ended up at a little diner. By the time we came back, you were already gone."

"It's not your fault, Val. I chose to get drunk."

"Hey, slut!" Maggie smiled broadly from the hall. "You're mom wants to talk to you." She sauntered into my room and plopped down next to Valerie on my bed. "You okay?"

"Fine. No thanks to you."

She laughed. "Sorry. I was distracted."

I huffed and then got up to go and face my mom. I could hear Valerie telling Maggie to leave me alone and not to mention the boy since my mom didn't know.

.

**OoOoO**

.

The holidays were a decent distraction from the looming consequences of sleeping with Joe. I was grounded so I didn't get to do much besides watch TV and help Mom with shopping and cooking. But for a short while, I was able to forget that my world could be ending as I opened Christmas presents with my family. Val was uncharacteristically kind to me while she was home. I think maybe she felt the tiniest bit responsible for what happened at the party. I almost felt like maybe we could become the kind of sisters I had always wanted us to be. Until she told me that, even though I wasn't a virgin, God showed us that a man could love a woman that was not completely his since Joseph had loved Mary even though she carried a baby that was not his own. So, so, so many things about that statement upset me. Joseph. Baby. And of course, the implication that I was tainted. She continued with her mantra of God would forgive me and someday my husband would too. And even though I did believe that, it hurt to be reminded that I had made such a huge mistake.

My period was supposed to start by the twenty-eighth, but by New Year's Eve I was starting to convince myself it was late due to me worrying about whether it was going to be late. Mary Lou's parents were having a party, but my dad wouldn't let me go with them. I spent the night alone in my room, wondering how Joe was spending his night. I had not heard from him, and after seeing him with another girl – even if he did fight with her later that night – I was glad he was ignoring me. But I still found myself saying a prayer for him that he would be okay in the Navy. I knew he was leaving early in the morning on January 2nd. What a miserable way to welcome in 1995.

If I could have asked God for my prayers back, I would have the next morning when my dad revealed to me that someone had been writing about me in bathroom stalls. He had been informed by some men at the party the night before. It took a lot of begging from me and promising that I wouldn't be upset, but he eventually revealed what had been written. One apparently said, "Stephanie is one Plum of a lay." Another said something like, "Stephanie Plum gives away free cupcakes behind the éclair counter." And, "The tastiest pastry is Stephanie Plum." Only Joe would have written those things. No other boys even noticed me, and no other soul knew what had happened. Suddenly, all my attention was focused on how much I hated Joe. I even shoved all thoughts about my missing period from my mind.

It wasn't until I got back to school that several boys informed me that they had heard that I could make a "cannoli cream" without even moving. I guess either Dad's friends didn't think he would want to hear that or Dad couldn't bring himself to repeat that to me.

.

A week and a half back into school, I started to feel nauseas. It hit me during third period, just when the smells from the lunchroom were reaching my nearby English class. I was very aware that my period was over three weeks late. But I was in deep denial that I could actually be pregnant. I had convinced myself that it was the stress of getting my heart broken and then doing something so shameful as a one-night-stand. But deep down, I knew. I had gone to the public library before school resumed so that I could research pregnancy without anyone knowing. According to the books I read, the perfect time to conceive was usually about two weeks before your next period. But it also had said that not every woman ovulated at the "normal" time. Knowing that I was not ever considered normal was my only comfort as I checked the calendar and noted that Joe and I were right on track to have made a baby. And we had done it twice. And the second time I had an orgasm. This also would help with conception according to the pregnancy books. By the time I made it to the bathroom that Thursday at school, without even asking for a pass, I knew that my time to be in denial had run out.

The next several days were spent trying desperately to return to my ignorant bliss, but the morning sickness wasn't going away. I convinced Mom that I had a flu bug, and she let me stay home from school. When I was still vomiting the next day, she almost took me to the doctor. I completely freaked out, and with an epic performance on my part, I convinced her that I would be fine. So I went back to school, but not before buying a pregnancy test. I even drove out of the Burg to get it, telling Mom I was going to school early to get caught up on my missed assignments.

I had called Mary Lou the night before and told her that I had an emergency situation and needed her to meet me in the bathrooms at the end of the performing arts hall at the school early in the morning.

Mary Lou walked into the bathroom and immediately went to the mirror to check her face. "Your emergency can't be worse than this zit on my forehead." She leaned closer to the mirror and started to probe at her skin. "Ugh! Why won't it just pop?"

Seated on the floor, I tried to laugh at her, but I just couldn't. "Mare?"

"Yeah?" She was still working on the zit.

"Promise me you won't flip out or yell at me or tell me how stupid I am or ask me fifty questions."

She turned quickly, and I knew that she had recognized how serious I was by the tone of my voice more than the words I had said. "Promise," she quickly said and dropped to her knees in front of me. "Steph, you can tell me anything. I love you. You're my best friend."

I smiled, well I tried, but I probably looked crazy with tears streaming down my face. I handed her the pregnancy test.

Her eyes widened dramatically, but being the awesome friend she is, she quickly recovered. "Have you taken it yet?"

"No," I sobbed. "I wanted you with me."

"Okay," she said, putting on her good student voice. "Let's just have you take it, then we will deal with … it."

I nodded, feeling some temporary relief that she was taking charge. She helped me up and then left me to go to the stall.

"You know I ran into Lenny Stankovic last night at Sam Goody. Damn, he's so hot. He didn't really talk to me, but his friend Bucky was talking to me. I think he's cute too, but I just wish Lenny would notice me."

I came back out and placed the test on the sink. We shared a look through the mirror. She took my hand and led me back over to the floor where my book bag was sitting.

"Oh my God! Do you think I had this zit last night? I didn't notice it until this morning!" she continued, and I did manage a small grateful smile that she was trying to distract me. She rolled her eyes. "Of course. I probably did. No wonder Lenny would hardly look at me."

I shrugged.

"Well, I'm just going to think that I didn't. I mean, Bucky probably wouldn't have talked to me if I had looked like this. Shit! I have got to cover it up." She leaned back and grabbed her purse, pulling it towards her. She dug out her concealer and began working on her face. After a moment, she looked at me. "Better?"

I nodded.

"Okay. Well, maybe I should just see if Bucky is interested. Then I can be around Lenny more and he can see my sparkling personality." She smiled proudly.

"Do you really like him?" I forced myself to ask. All I could really think about was that plastic stick, sitting like a ticking bomb on the sink.

"Well, yeah. Have you seen him take his shirt off at practice?" She clutched my hand and gave me a serious look. "I think I could tolerate anything if I got to see that up close and personal."

"Mare, there's more to boys than their bodies."

We both froze, and then laughed. Then I laughed even louder because I was just so stressed. That test was mostly a formality at this point, but I was still holding onto the slightest chance that I wasn't pregnant.

Mary Lou hugged me. "You want me to look?"

"Please."

"Okay." She stood up and then looked back at me quickly. "You want me to be all happy either way or you want me to be honest?"

"Honest."

"Okay." She slowly walked over to the sink, and I could tell she was nervous too. She picked it up and turned away, but I could see her profile in the mirror. She looked … frightened.

I dropped my head and cried silently. I was pregnant.

Mary Lou wrapped her arms around me and cried with me. "I'm so sorry, Steph. It's a yes." She held me tight and whispered that she would be there for me no matter what.

I made it through the rest of the day in a fog, only returning to reality for my daily visit to the toilet during third period. Mr. Hanson was starting to give me grief about leaving for the bathroom each day. Maybe if I handed him my pregnancy test he would leave me alone.

.

**OoOoO**

.

I didn't know what to do. I was so scared. And Joe was gone. I didn't even know how to reach him. And then I wasn't sure if I wanted to. I had a perfect alibi. I hadn't even considered it until Mary Lou had said something about the party. She assumed it was from that night. She also assured me that I shouldn't worry about the alcohol I consumed since lots of babies were conceived when people got drunk. I almost threw up when I realized I had already been pregnant on the night of the party. But I was pretty sure that one night of drinking at the very beginning of the pregnancy wouldn't hurt … the baby. In that moment, I knew for a fact I could never have an abortion. Besides the fact that I was raised that it was very wrong, I knew that a part of me already cared about this baby.

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to let people think I got pregnant the night of the party. There had already been a few comments to me about my wild night. And everyone already thought that I had been sleeping around after Joe left his love notes to me on several bathroom walls. Thank goodness he had made them anonymously. No one knew besides the two of us what had happened behind the éclair counter that cold December night. It seemed like it had been months but it had really only been a little more than a month since I had been with Joe. It was still hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that we never even spoke to each other again after that night. I tried to not think about seeing him at the party. I tried to not think about the party at all. Ever. Now I was going to have to think about it all the time if I stuck with the plan to blame my one-night-stand. Poor Rick. If anyone ever figured it out, he'd be in deep shit. Good thing he didn't even live in Jersey.

I considered contacting Joe anyway; after all he was the father and probably would like to know. I even tried to come up with a good reason to get his mailing address from his mom. The thought of calling Mrs. Morelli was beyond scary. I had heard that his grandmother was a psychic or could curse you with 'the eye', and I knew she lived with his mother. What would I do if she answered? I was sure she could tell just from the sound of my voice that I was carrying her great-grandchild. Oh no. Just thinking about it made me sick.

For the next week or so, I continued to put off calling Mrs. Morelli. I just couldn't do it. I didn't even really want to tell Joe. At least not in a letter. He wouldn't even be free to come home for who knows how long. And then he would be gone again for years. I convinced myself that him knowing wouldn't actually change anything. I would still be alone and dealing with a baby.

It was getting easier to accept that I was pregnant. Not that I was happy about it, but I was less in denial than I had been at first. And the more I accepted that it was really happening, I also knew that I would be keeping this baby. I still loved Joe. And this was _our_ baby. I may not have wanted to see him or talk to him, but that didn't mean my heart didn't still belong to him. Even if he never wanted to have anything to do with us, I couldn't imagine giving away the baby we had made. I desperately wanted to believe that he or she was made from love. It was the one thought that gave me strength when I just didn't think I could do it. For that one night, we loved each other. And this baby was the result.

I still wasn't ready to tell anyone. I was scared to death about how it was going to be at school. I had seen the other pregnant girls in the halls, their faces always downcast as they suffered through the gossip and hurtful comments. I knew a couple of them had been kicked out of their homes. And I knew most of them had already broken up with their boyfriends. Mary Lou was great. She had caught me more than once watching some of those girls. She always would grab my hand and give me a gentle squeeze. She also called me every night to see how I was doing. She swore that she would not tell a soul and that she would be with me when I told my parents. I couldn't even imagine telling them. I was lucky that most of my morning sickness happened during the day, so even on the weekends I was able to go to Mary Lou's for the afternoon.

.

One time, I had to leave during Mass to get sick. I swear Joe's grandmother stared at me the whole time I walked down the aisle. She was a little creepy. Once I was alone in the bathroom, I made sure that the door was locked. I was getting pretty good at the whole vomiting thing. Because I was terrified of anyone figuring me out at school, I had learned to do it quickly and quietly. It was disgusting, and I hated every second of it.

After rinsing my mouth out with some water and some toothpaste from the small tube I had started carrying, I stood in front of the mirror and turned sideways. I was wearing a bulky sweater, but underneath I had on a snug mock turtleneck. I lifted my sweater and stared at my profile. Other than my boobs getting fuller, I couldn't see any real change.

"Are you really in there?" I said softly to my belly in the mirror. "I still can't believe you exist sometimes." I laughed softly. "Until I'm throwing up again. I think that means you're doing well. At least I think that's what those books said I read over break."

I stepped closer to the mirror and placed my hand on my belly. I looked like I had eaten a few chips too many, but there was no real bump.

"I think you're great-grandmother can tell you're here. They say she can see things." I sighed. "She kind of scares me so I'm going to avoid her. But you have another great-grandma who is really cool. You will love her." I smiled briefly, thinking about how fun Grandma Mazur was when I was little.

I pressed my hand into my belly and was surprised to feel a firmness I had never felt before. "Oh my goodness," I breathed. "You are in there, aren't you? Please don't be mad that I'm telling everyone you're a flu bug. I promise I will tell Mom and Dad about you soon. It's just … your dad is gone and I'm not sure what to do about him and … I'm really young. You kind of freak me out." I looked up into the mirror and watched my eyes fill with tears. "But I'll figure it out. I promise," I said to my reflection. Then I looked down at my hand on my belly. "I promise," I whispered.

.

**OoOoO**

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It wasn't until Valentine's Day that I made up my mind to not tell Joe. Three boys approached me in the hall with the cupcakes they were selling at school. They all made references to how sweet my cupcake tasted, and they wanted a trade. Two of them offered at the same time! They figured I wouldn't mind being watched since I was so into doing it in public places. I left school early, telling the nurse I was sick. Which was true. I was sick to my stomach, but I was also sick in my heart. As soon as everyone found out I was pregnant, they would all believe I was a slut. And how could I argue with them? I had been a slut at that party, and they all knew someone had claimed to have been with me at the Tasty Pastry.

I drove to the park and just cried in my car. I cried for having fallen for Joe when I should have known better. I cried for letting him make me feel like there was something between us, enough for me to sleep with him. I cried for ignoring years of sex ed. warnings and not even thinking about using a condom. I cried for letting my broken heart make me drink myself stupid and end up in bed with a stranger. I cried for how lucky I was Rick (the stupid jerk!) had used a condom, but how I could have ended up with an STD on top of being pregnant. And most of all, I cried because I didn't know how to be a mother. I wasn't ready. I was still only seventeen. I wouldn't be eighteen until October, and unless there was something freakishly wrong with my uterus, this baby would be born before then.

.

I finally calmed down enough to drive back home. I entered the house, and Mom immediately called for me to come to the kitchen.

"Stephanie, where have you been? Mrs. Norris called earlier to tell me you were coming home sick?" She looked up from her mixing bowl and gaped at me. "Sweetie, are you okay?"

"I think I have the flu again."

"Again?" She frowned. "Are you not washing your hands? You know how germs are so easily spread. And boys your age probably never practice good hygiene. You have to protect yourself, Stephanie."

I winced at her last statement. A little too late for that. I took a deep breath. I just wasn't ready to tell her. "Yes, Mom. I wash my hands. I just caught another bug." I flushed as I found my hand touching my belly, and I quickly moved it to grab my bag.

"Go lie down. I'll make you some soup and bring it up to you later." She smiled at me warmly, making me want to cry again, and then she turned back to her baking.

I did as she said, and I was surprised to find myself growing very sleepy as soon as I lay down. It wasn't until she brought me the soup that I woke up. I sat on my bed, tray on my lap, praying she would just let me be.

"What were you crying about earlier?" she asked gently.

I sat the spoon back in the bowl before I could even take my first sip. "Nothing."

"Stephanie."

"It was the stuff on the walls, okay?"

Her eyes widened. "Again?"

"No. Just more of the same." I sighed. "Some boys were teasing me today, and I already didn't feel well. So I left. You're not mad, are you?"

"Of course not." She tilted her head. "I know you made a mistake, Stephanie, and I know you are truly sorry for it. But it doesn't give anyone the right to make up stuff about you."

I nodded. Dad may have told her about the graffiti, but we had all stayed quiet about what had happened the night I didn't come home. She was still under the belief that I had passed out at the party and woke up at a friend's house. That was probably a mistake too, letting her believe that. I gave her a small smile and lifted the spoon again. I didn't eat lunch since I had been feeling so queasy. I was actually really hungry, and Mom made the best chicken soup.

I knew the moment I got my first real whiff of soup that I was in trouble. But the spoon was already half in my mouth and the moment my tongue touched it, I wanted to hurl. I choked it down and hoped she would leave without watching me eat. She didn't. I acted like it was hot, and I waited a few minutes to eat. The whole time my stomach was churning.

"Stephanie, you need to eat something. Just a few more spoonfuls okay?"

I smiled, but I had to keep my mouth shut. I didn't think I could bring the spoon to my face again without throwing up all over the tray. She frowned at me. I grabbed the spoon and thought that maybe I could just use mind over matter on this. It didn't work. I ended up knocking the tray off my lap, spilling the soup all over the floor and side of my bed, and I almost took out my mom as I bolted to the bathroom.

I sat on the floor, crying. I hated to throw up. And now I was doing it off and on throughout the day. I didn't think I could keep this up any longer. My mom ran into the bathroom and frowned at me. She opened the cabinet and grabbed some cleaner and Lysol to go clean my mess.

Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, Dad came up to the bathroom and stared at me expectantly.

"You done in here?"

"Frank, she's sick. Leave her alone," Mom called from my room.

He huffed slightly, and I noticed he had his newspaper folded under his arm.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed. For so many reasons.

Mom came back in and crouched down to put the cleaning supplies away. She smiled at me and then turned to shut the cabinet. She froze.

"What is it? Is it a mouse?" Dad asked from the door. "I don't know how they keep coming back. I put the poison out."

Mom stayed silent, but she fell onto her bottom on the floor. Her mouth was pressed into a hard line. She shifted to face me, and I could see pain written across her face. She pulled out the brand new box of tampons that she bought me the last day we went Christmas shopping.

"No," she said softly. "No, no, no."

"What is it? Helen?"

I covered my face with my hands. "I'm sorry," I wailed. "I'm so sorry."

Dad stepped into the bathroom and knelt down next to my mother, who was glaring at me. "Oh God," he breathed. He looked up at me. "Stephanie!"

"I'm sorry!"

"Stephanie, you said nothing happened!"

"I know," I screamed. "I lied! I was scared. I didn't know this would happen."

"You didn't know! YOU DIDN'T KNOW!" He banged his fist against the wall. "Helen, get up. We need to discuss what to do with her."

She blinked, her eyes glassy. "What to do? Frank, it's not the 50's. We can't send her off to some 'aunt' until she has …" She broke down, surrendering to her tears. "Until she has the baby."

.

.

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Thank you for reading. I would so love to hear from you with a review!


	5. Chapter 4

A/N: As always, thanks to Julie, my sweet beta!

So we are jumping ahead! Four years. This puts us in late Spring of 1999, in case you like to know these things. :)

Thank you to all my readers and reviewers!

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* * *

**A Change In Me**

**Chapter Four**

* * *

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Sophia looked at me with wide brown eyes. "Mommy? You okay?"

I blinked rapidly as I turned back to her. "Yeah, Sophie, Mommy just thought she saw someone she knew." I gave her a bright smile, but inside my mind was racing. "You almost finished, sweetie?"

She nodded her head vigorously, causing her dark curls to bounce up and down. "Uh-huh, I just got three more bites." She held her sticky fingers up showing me three fingers and then giggled loudly at something only a three-year-old would find entertaining.

I shook my head at her silly laughter and then stole one little piece of chicken from her plate. "Now you only have two!"

She giggled again, patting her little knee like it was the most hilarious thing ever. Nothing boosted my mood like Sophia when she was like that. I quickly forgot about him, and I focused all my attention on my beautiful little girl.

"Oh, Mommy! You so funny!" She shook her head at me like I had just done to her a moment ago. She popped her last two bites of chicken in her mouth, chewing each one slowly like Mom had been teaching her to do.

"Okay, my little bug, let's get going." I stood her up and brushed off her bright red dress, her favorite. I grabbed a wet-wipe from my bag and cleaned off her mouth, cheeks, and then each finger.

Once we made it outside, I couldn't help but look around. I knew I had seen Joe. I kept my eyes scanning the area as we headed towards home, probably looking like some kind of paranoid criminal. Thankfully, Sophia could rattle along with or without my paying attention, so I let her ramble about everything her little mind came up with as we walked down the street. This allowed me to be on the lookout for him. The last thing I was prepared to do was face Joe Morelli.

_What had I been thinking?_

This thought was running through my head on repeat, getting louder each time. How could I have not told him about her? I knew he had come back from the Navy – months ago! But when I didn't see him around town or hear any more about him, I simply buried my head a little further into the sand. I had been telling myself for years that I would simply wait until he was home and I could tell him in person. The problem with that was it basically put me off of even thinking about Joe and what this would mean for him to discover that he had a daughter. It was a convenient way for me to avoid dealing with him altogether. Well, as much as my broken heart had let me forget. But the last year or so, I had pretty much pushed all thoughts of Joe out of my mind. I felt like reality had just ambushed me, and my heart was pounding loudly in my ears.

.

While I was still reeling from seeing Joe, Sophia and I walked past a pet store, and she tugged repeatedly on my hand.

"You said after, Mommy! You said," she demanded as she yanked really hard on my arm.

"Ow! Sophie, don't hurt Mommy, or you're gonna go without dessert tonight." I stared down at her.

She glared at me and stomped her little foot. "You said!"

I crouched down in front of her. "I know. I said. Mommy was just thinking, bug. You need to be patient. Okay?"

She nodded, a slight look of guilt on her face, but also I could see she was desperate to go inside the store.

"All right, but remember we can't get a pet until we move out of Grammy and Grampy's."

She pouted out her lips. "I know. Grampy said no."

She sighed wistfully, but she was quickly distracted once we were inside and could see the large pen of puppies on the floor. She shrieked in excitement, turning the heads of several patrons, and then ran over to the puppies.

I leaned over the side of the pen and pulled one out. "Sophia, calm down. You're going to scare him." I cradled the wiggling little puppy to my chest. "See, he's starting to relax." I stroked his head and smiled as she joined me.

"Please, Mommy? Can I hold him? Please?" she whispered.

"Here you go," I said softly to keep her in this rare somber state.

She gently took the puppy and then started to cry as she rocked him back and forth. "I wanna take him home."

The other adults looked at me like I was a terrible mother, teasing my small child. But I knew my daughter. She could cry at the drop of a hat. She also could be easily distracted most of the time. She had inherited my sweet tooth, and as much as I hated it, I wasn't above using that to manipulate her.

I let her rock the puppy and tell him all about how much she wanted him and loved him and would name him whatever Grampy wanted as long she could keep him. After a few minutes of the love-fest, the puppy decided to pee on her. I tried to wrangle him away from her quickly, but the damage was done. There was pee on her favorite dress. Much to my dismay, I was realizing more and more that I was raising my mother. It must be a Mazur family curse – I'm sure my mom would agree. Sophia shrieked again, but this time she actually was upset. She was almost inconsolable as I scooped her up and deposited the puppy back in the pen.

"Bad puppy! Bad! Bad! Bad!" she yelled over my shoulder between sobs. "I don't want you no more!" I rubbed her back as I headed back out the door.

.

I was so distracted with trying to calm Sophia down; I didn't notice the man heading our way.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," I said after I almost knocked him over. "We had an accident." I nodded to my weeping daughter, clinging to my neck.

He smiled at me warmly. He looked to be in his mid to late twenties. He had sandy brown hair and dark blue eyes. He was cute, in a boyish kind of way. "Accidents happen. In fact, that's what I do. Dickie Orr, prosecuting attorney, specializing in accidents." He flashed me a charming grin.

"Stephanie Plum. Student and Mother, specializing in accident clean-ups." I smiled at him.

"Nice to meet you. And who is this lovely little creature that you have with you?" He seemed genuinely interested and not at all freaked out that I had a kid.

"This is Sophia. She's upset about her favorite dress. I think I might have to throw it away." I winked at him.

"Mommy! No! It's fine. It's just a little pee-pee. Grammy can get it out." She blinked her large teary eyes at me. Then she looked up at Dickie and immediately became the sweet and shy version of herself that only came out around strange men. She lowered her head back to my neck, but she kept her face turned towards Dickie this time.

He gave her a smile, but she only nuzzled into me more. "It's nice to meet you, Sophia. And I think your Grammy can definitely save your dress."

She bit her lip and smiled, but then she turned back to looking over my shoulder.

"She's not normally this shy," I explained. "But she's not met very many men that are not family."

His face froze for a moment and I noticed he glanced quickly at my hands, looking for a ring. He relaxed the smallest amount when he found none. "Well, maybe I shouldn't be a stranger," he said with some reservation still in his voice.

"Maybe you shouldn't," I answered flirtatiously.

I couldn't believe I was flirting with him. And in front of Sophia! I never allowed her to meet the men I dated – not that there were that many. Most men my age were in college, boys really, getting drunk and screwing as many girls as they could. Not the kind of man I was interested in. But Dickie was older and had a real job. And he didn't seem to care that I had a child.

"Can I give you my card, Stephanie?"

"Yes, that would be great."

He fished in his pocket and then pulled out a card. "I just started working for this attorney. I'm more of a junior prosecutor. I don't want you to think I was lying."

I laughed. "You're still an attorney, right?" I took the card and placed it in my back pocket, a much easier place to reach than my bag with Sophia still hanging on me like a monkey.

"Well, yeah."

"You can't have been out of school that long."

"No. Just eight months actually." He smiled brightly. "And you? You're a student? What are you studying?"

"Nursing."

"That's a great field to get into." He looked awkward for a moment, unsure of what he wanted to say. "Did you have to … take time off to have Sophia?"

Oh. He wanted to know how old I was. I didn't blame him. I used to be so embarrassed about my age, but I have had a great mentor who has helped me get over it.

"No, I had her in high school." I held his gaze, looking for judgment. "I've been really lucky that my parents let us stay and pretty much insisted that I go to school. I haven't been able to go full time, but I am almost done with my last requirements."

He took a deep breath. "That's really impressive. You're … uh … really young to have so much on your plate."

I tried to keep a brave face as I thought he probably wanted that card back right now. "It wasn't my plan, but I am managing. And she's worth it."

He shook his head. "Of course she is. I'm sorry, Stephanie." Here it comes. "It's just … I'm twenty-eight. I'm looking for … " He blushed. "I guess I want you to know that I am looking for something serious. I've done the whole dating thing. I'm not into casual anymore."

I blinked at him. "I don't do casual, Dickie. At least not in front of her."

Sophia chose that moment to return to the conversation. "Mommy, I wanna go home."

"Of course, bug. Tell Dickie goodbye."

She buried her face back in my neck.

"Sorry." I shrugged my free shoulder.

"It's okay. Like I said," he paused and looked me in the eyes. "Maybe she needs to get to know me better – after her mommy does of course."

I felt a grin break across my face. "That sounds good. I'll give you a call then?"

"I hope so. Bye, Sophia. Nice to meet you." He laughed at her lack of response. "Looking forward to hearing from you, Stephanie."

I blushed. "Okay then. Bye, Dickie."

I turned quickly before I said something to ruin everything. After another block, Sophia agreed to walk the rest of the way back to Grammy and Grampy's.

On the rest of the way home, I remembered that Joe was somewhere in town. Ugh! I felt nauseous just thinking about him. I had seen him getting into a car, so at least he wasn't on foot. More likely he was long gone from where we were. Also, I was glad we didn't have to walk past his mom's house to get home. And it wasn't the first time I had noticed that either. The very few times I had seen his family members always made me feel guilty about keeping her from them. But only his mother probably would have cared, and I often justified my choice with the thought that she had several other grandchildren already.

I had no idea how Joe was going to react to my news, but I knew that I wanted to at least tell him before anyone else. I wasn't even sure I wanted him in our lives at this point, but I wouldn't keep her from him if he wanted to know her. But I also wouldn't force her into his life either. No. Ultimately, it was going to be up to Joe.

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**OoOoO**

.

The mystery of Sophia's father had kept me in the Burg gossip for all of my pregnancy and even the first six months or so after she was born. Some were holding out on seeing the baby to make their decision. Fortunately, she looked a lot like me except her hair and eye color. I had cried when her dark blue eyes had turned brown. I hadn't known that almost all babies have blue eyes at birth. I had wanted her to look exactly like me at the time. It was easier to stay in denial that she had a father without any visual reminders. Now, I couldn't imagine her any other way.

I attended Mercer County Community College. No Rutgers for me. Not with Sophia to take care of. I had even considered Douglas College, but taking the train every day was just something I couldn't imagine doing with a one-year-old at home. My parents gave me Val's car since she was getting a new car with her then fiancé. So it was much faster to stay local and just drive myself to school. I was finally in the last stages of getting my degree. It was only an Associate's Degree, but I could still take my exams to become an RN. I had been accepted into a paid internship that I hoped would turn into a job if I continued to do well. They would be letting me know in the next few weeks if I was hired. I had also continued working at the Tasty Pastry to at least be able to pay for some of my expenses, but I had cut my hours back to weekends since I started the internship. I hadn't really saved up that much, but my dad never would take any money from me over the years.

My parents had really been wonderful. I had definitely shamed them with my teenage pregnancy, but once the shock wore off they had united behind me, determined to not let me become another statistic. And I think they really had hurt for me too. At the time it was hard for me to see that, but now as a parent, I truly appreciate how difficult it must have been for them to watch me suffer. And it had been suffering. Not only was I treated like an outcast or a slut, partly in thanks to Joe's graffiti, but also I was completely broken-hearted. And they never even knew that part. They actually seemed relieved that the father was some stranger from a party. They thought it was easier to not have to share the baby and me with anyone else. I agreed with them, and at seventeen I still wanted them to have control over what was happening. I also never told anyone, not even Mary Lou, the truth about Joe and me. It made it seem easier to forget him if I never even had to say his name.

.

**OoOoO**

.

I called Dickie a few days later. I hadn't been this nervous about a man since … maybe ever. I had to leave him a message, but a part of me was relieved. That way, it was completely in his hands. But the rest of the evening, I drove everyone crazy with my jumpiness.

The phone rang at ten, and my father lifted one brow at me from his easy chair in the family room.

"What?"

"It's not just you anymore."

I gaped at him. "I think I am well aware of that, Dad. Dickie is older, more mature. He's not intimidated about me being a mother."

Dad frowned. "How much older?"

"Twenty-eight! What do you think? I met someone at your lodge?"

He paled. "That's not even funny, Stephanie. You better get that phone from your mother if you don't want her scaring him away." He smiled.

I burst into the kitchen just in time.

"So you're an attorney?" Mom asked seriously. "That's really something, Dickie. Do you own or rent?"

I snatched the phone from her hands and glared at her as I shooed her out of the kitchen. She must really want this to work since I don't think I have ever seen her so willingly leave her domain. I waited until the door swung shut before I turned back to the phone.

"Hello? Mrs. Plum?" Dickie asked into the phone.

"Hi, it's Stephanie. I apologize for anything inappropriate my mother may have said."

He laughed. "She's fine, Stephanie. Nothing to worry about."

"Oh good," I sighed. "She means well. But she still likes to control my life."

"Well, you're still young – I mean, you're still her daughter."

I frowned into the phone. "Dickie, I'm twenty-one. I know that I'm young, but I'm not your typical twenty-one-year-old. I work, I go to school, I raise my beautiful little girl. I'm not just looking for a good time. My time is far too precious. If you can't get past our age difference, then maybe we should just –"

"Stephanie, you … you are an amazing woman. I respect you for all those things you just said. And I have no problems with you being younger than me."

"Oh. Okay then."

"Let me take you out this weekend. Friday or Saturday. Whatever works with your schedule."

"Saturday is good. I work in the afternoon, but I think I can convince Mom or Grandma to take Sophia for the evening."

When I laid down to go to sleep, my mind was filled with excitement about my upcoming date with Dickie. There was something very charming about him. He seemed so confidant, and I liked that. I also really believed that he wasn't upset or concerned about our age difference. That really put my mind at ease. I wasn't sure what I wanted, but I knew that whatever man I brought into my life had to be good enough for Sophia. Dad was exactly right about it not being just me. I was aware of that fact every day.

I started to drift off as I thought about what Dickie might be like on a date. But pretty soon, his dark blue eyes morphed into the warm brown ones that greeted me every morning. And soon his hair turned dark. And then I was back in high school, anticipating anything to do with Joe Morelli.

.

**OoOoO**

.

On Saturday, I drove Sophia over to Grandpa and Grandma Mazur's house at six. I still worked at the Tasty Pastry. Saturdays were crazy days at the bakery, but my boss, Big Red, was a softy and wanted me to meet a "good man". She let me leave early so I could see my little bug before taking her to her great-grandparents for the night. Grandma Mazur even offered to keep her overnight. Apparently, as awful as it was for me to get pregnant in high school, my Grandma – and I think my mother – were all for letting me have an all night date with Dickie. I think they already had our china patterns picked out.

Sophia was wiggling around in her car seat, singing some made up song about clouds as we drove the five blocks from home. I had forgotten almost completely about seeing Joe last week. My ability to stay in denial is somewhat astounding, and I had decided to make sure Joe was back for good before looking him up. But I wasn't so careless to not drive the long way to avoid his mother's house. If he was still around, I didn't want to see him. Or maybe I didn't want him to see her.

"Mama, I miss you." She smiled sweetly at me through the rear-view mirror. I sighed. She only rarely called me mama anymore. Usually when she was sleepy.

"I'll miss you too, Sophie. But you will have so much fun with Nana and Papa."

"I knoooow," she sang again. "I know I loooove you! Little bitty Mama! I love you toooooo, clouds!" She was off in her own world again. I shook my head and tried not to let the tears in my eyes fall down my cheeks.

Grandma stood in the doorway when we pulled up. She already had a towel tied around her shoulders. And as she zigzagged her way to the car, she held her arms out like she was flying.

"Nana!" Sophia squealed in delight. "Mommy, get me out! Get me out! Get me out!"

"Okay. Okay." I jumped from the car, relieved that she was at least staying in her car seat. We had recently had a serious discussion about her waiting for an adult to let her out. "Hi, Grandma!" I waved and she saluted me. I quickly unbuckled Sophia from her car seat and placed her on the ground. She took off running towards Grandma, who produced another towel and draped it around Sophia's tiny shoulders.

I watched the two of them flitting around the yard for a moment, pretending to be fairies this time. I wasn't about to point out to them that fairies had wings, not capes.

Grandpa stood in the door with his walker. His health was failing, and he was more and more reliant on Grandma to get around. I had overheard Mom on the phone recently, telling Grandma to consider hiring some help. I already came over a few mornings each week to help out, but I wasn't going to have the time to help him like he was going to need in the near future. My heart tightened as I walked towards him.

"Hey, Grandpa. How are you feeling? You up for a night with Sophia."

He smiled broadly at me. "She's got nothing on your grandmother. Come here, Steph. Give me a hug."

I quickly placed Sophia's bag down and gently hugged him across the walker. Grandpa was the most affectionate person in the entire family. He always had been. The one thing I loved about having Sophia so young was that she really had time to get to know my grandparents as well. I helped him back into the house, leaving the fairies outside to defend their magical kingdom.

On my way home from Grandma's I drove by the Morelli's house. It's not as if I hadn't ever driven by there since having Sophia, but in general I only drove past if someone else was with Sophia and me or I was alone. I tried not to stare too long into the windows as I slowed down. I knew if anyone was watching, which being in the Burg almost guaranteed, they would immediately start to talk about what I was doing. It wasn't worth the risk, but suddenly I just wanted to see him. Even a glimpse of him would do. It sometimes felt like he wasn't real and what we had shared was only a dream. That is until that dream crawled into bed with me and begged for breakfast every morning. No. I could never really forget what had happened. Even without Sophia, Joe would always be my first love. Even before I fell in love with him, I wanted him more than I had ever wanted anything in my entire life.

.

Dickie picked me up at seven. I noticed that his car was fairly new and expensive. I admired it as we walked out to it. He pulled the door open for me and smiled.

"My parents gave it to me for passing the bar."

"Oh? It's really nice."

"Thanks. It's my one luxury right now." He leaned down to me. "Besides seeing you."

I blushed at him and quickly got into the car.

Dickie was very sweet, and a bit more flirtatious than I expected. But it had been so long since I had that kind of attention. I relished every wink, smile, and gentle brush of his fingers against my skin. He had no problems touching me, but he kept it respectful.

We ate dinner at a fancy new restaurant in the city. I was surprised when he headed into town. He said he wanted to show me the town and figured I could use some real "adult" time. I couldn't agree more. It had been months since I had been on a date.

After dinner, Dickie suggested we go down the block to a club that had live jazz music. I gladly took his arm as we made our way down the city street.

The club was smoke-filled, so I asked if we could sit on the patio. You could still hear the music just fine. Dickie liked the idea of having a little more privacy. Only twenty minutes after we found ourselves a secluded seat, Dickie leaned into me and kissed me softly. It was really nice, and for the first time in over three years, I actually thought I might want something more. Dickie made it very clear that he wanted to see me again, and I gladly accepted another date for the next Saturday.

.

**OoOoO**

.

The following Friday night, Valerie and her husband had invited the family to dinner at their house. Steven was an okay guy. I didn't really see him as the perfect man that Val saw him as. I thought he was sometimes extremely arrogant, but he was very successful and he seemed to make my sister happy.

I sat next to Sophia in the back of my parents' car as we made our way out to the suburbs where Val lived.

My mom turned back and looked at me excitedly. "I think they have a special announcement."

I lifted my brows at her. "You do?"

"She's been acting funny on the phone. And she didn't come over for breakfast the other day like she usually does."

Sophia looked over at me and handed me her favorite toy, a stuffed ladybug. "Here, Mommy. Hold Lady for me."

I took the toy and tapped her nose with my finger. "Are you sure, bug? You trust me with Lady?"

"She's my bug. I'm your bug. Does that make me her mommy?" She asked with wide eyes.

My dad chuckled from the front seat. "Don't make me a great-grandpa yet, Sophie!" he teased. "I don't think I could handle that."

She giggled. "You _are_ great, Grampy." She did her little knee slap once we all laughed at her comment. God, I loved her.

Mom turned back to Dad. "I think you might be a grandpa again, Frank. I think Val's pregnant." She smiled proudly at me and then faced the front again.

Mom was right. As usual. Valerie and Steven were beaming throughout the entire dinner. Mom kept giving me discreet looks and winks as the evening progressed. And at dessert, Valerie carried out a cake in the shape of a baby bottle, announcing that she was due in November. Mom and Dad both hugged them and congratulated them. Sophia didn't understand at first. But once she realized that she would get a new playmate, then all was right in her world.

A swift stab of pain surprised me as I watched them all happily celebrating my sister's pregnancy. I had always had issues with feeling less than Valerie. But this was different. I knew Val wanted to have kids. I knew that it was going to happen sooner than later. And I was truly happy for her. But I felt so … lonely. She was having a baby with her husband. Everyone was thrilled for them. She got to tell them the joyous news with pride. Not like I had. Not through my tears of shame, sitting on the floor of the bathroom.

.

**OoOoO**

.

Dickie picked me up one Wednesday afternoon from the hospital where I was working. We had gone out four times over the last few weeks, and I was really starting to like him. Wednesdays were the best days for me to leave for a long lunch. I started early and could make up my time by staying late. I often met up with Mary Lou for lunch so we could catch up. I smiled at Nurse Smiller on my way out.

"You coming back in an hour?" she said over the charts in her hand.

"Maybe a little longer today. Is that okay?"

"Sure." She wrote down a few things and then looked up quickly. "This is your new man, right?"

"Well…" I rolled my eyes. "I guess, but we aren't officially exclusive or anything."

"Oh, Stephanie, that's so great. It's about time you put yourself out there."

"Thanks, Anna. I better get going." I waved at her as I headed into the elevator.

.

Dickie was standing in the front of the main entrance, waiting for me.

"Hey, beautiful."

"Hey yourself. Although I don't feel so beautiful in these scrubs."

He grabbed my hand and smiled. "I like them. I think they make you look cute."

"Wow. So I've already been demoted from beautiful to cute in just one minute."

He stopped walking and turned to face me. "I think you could look beautiful in anything, Stephanie." He leaned forward and kissed me briefly. "What sounds good for lunch?"

"There's a great Mexican place close by. Is that good?"

"Sure." He didn't seem too happy about that.

"There's also a diner."

"That sounds good. It's up to you. I chose the other night." He squeezed my hand and opened the car door for me.

I sat in the car and waited for him to join me. "We can go to the diner. I like their food too." He didn't know they delivered our lunches all the time. And I wanted to make him happy.

I liked Dickie, and it was the first time I had felt something more than lust towards a man since Sophia came along. Not that I ever acted on it. I only slept with one other guy after Rick. And it was horrible. I almost cried through the whole thing. Of course, it was at Valerie's wedding. I had just stopped breast-feeding Sophia and could finally indulge in a little alcohol. I didn't get drunk – I don't think that was something I ever would do again. But I did meet one of my new brother-in-law's distant cousins at the open bar. We hit it off and … well, one thing led to another. I ended up in his hotel room, missing my baby girl and mourning the fact that I never would have a white wedding with the man I loved. Ted seemed oblivious to my distress, and he didn't even slow down once the tears were leaking down my cheeks onto his pillow. I think he even made some offhanded remark about being so good I cried in pleasure. I didn't stay for five minutes once it was done. I couldn't get away quick enough. I drove straight to Grandma and Grandpa Mazur's to see Sophia, waking them all up in the middle of the night. But it was worth it. I needed to breathe her sweet scent and feel her soft little body clinging to me. She was what made me try every day to make something of myself.

Finally, after years of working so hard and sacrificing almost all of my social life, I was so close to moving into the next phase of my future. I planned on working for at least a few months before we moved out. I would so much rather move out immediately, but Stephanie the mother didn't act so impulsively. I knew I would be much less stressed if I saved up some more money before. Sophia would be turning four in September. That was in three months. It would have been nice to have her birthday party at our new place, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to change the plans.

And now that Dickie was in the picture, I had to figure out how long to wait before Sophia would meet him again.

I watched him as he made the short drive to the diner. He looked very in charge, all the time. I think I liked that about him since I felt so out of control most of the time. Part of it was still living with my parents while trying to be a parent. I always felt like two people. The daughter and the mother. My mother wanted Dickie to come to dinner as soon as next week. But I wanted to wait until I knew for sure where this was going. My daughter came first, and I wasn't about to confuse her with introducing her to the men in my life. Because even if things didn't work out with Dickie, Anna was right in that I needed to get back out there.

.

Dickie led me to a booth, his hand on the back of my waist. I smiled at the intimate gesture. It made me feel like we were really there together as a couple, not just two people sharing a lunch.

Dickie grabbed the menu and looked up at me. "Do you like catfish?"

"Um… yeah. I think so."

"I've heard they have the best catfish sandwiches here."

"You've been here?" I wondered why didn't he mention that before.

"Once or twice. I didn't work far from here when I was with the DA. But now that I'm at Kreiner and Kreiner, I don't make it this way too often."

I thought I detected a hint of judgment in that statement about this part of town. I knew it wasn't the best area, but it was far from the war zone better known as Stark Street.

"How long have you been with them?"

"Just a couple months. I was really lucky to get in with them. They're an old firm, long line of family attorneys. And they also are old money. Lots of great connections and they get the best cases."

I nodded as I sipped on my coke. "Well, that sounds promising then."

"It is. And Mr. Kreiner has been very welcoming, very … guiding."

"Oh. Like too much _guidance_?"

"No. He just wants a well-respected firm. We are all expected to represent him well, both at work and at home."

I smiled. "I can see that. Most employers don't want to worry about their workers doing something to potentially destroy their reputation."

"No, of course not. But it's a little more than that. We're expected to be part of his social sphere, and there are certain expectations that go along with that."

I narrowed my eyes at him for a moment, but then the waitress appeared to take our orders.

Dickie folded his menu, and looked up at her. "We'll both take the catfish special."

"Alrighty then," she said and turned away.

I frowned at him, still somewhat distracted about the comment he made before.

"Steph, it just means that I can't fool around. If I date someone, it needs to be headed somewhere. They would like to see me settled down."

My eyes widened a little. That's where I had been going too, but it seemed so outdated. Surely, people didn't think like that still, did they?

He continued, "I really like you, but I just wanted you to know that I am serious about seeing you. I would like to see where this is going, but I really am looking for a wife. Is that something you can consider doing in the near future? Getting married? I know you have a lot on your plate right now with finishing school and with Sophia."

I blinked at him. "I .. uh … well, I do want to get married. I hadn't really thought much about it though to be honest. I have been so focused on Sophia. I haven't dated much, Dickie. This just seems like a big change to go from not even dating to maybe getting married."

He laughed. "Well, I'm not proposing right now, so you can relax. And I'm glad you haven't been dating. It shows a true commitment to your child and your education."

I blushed for some reason. I felt like my dad was complimenting me for a second.

He reached over the table and took my hand. "Let's just see how it goes. No pressure, Stephanie. I just thought you should know where I am coming from."

"Thank you. I appreciate your being candid. And I do like you too, Dickie."

He smiled his boyish grin. "I thought you might. And I think we could be really great together."

"I think so too," I admitted.

.

It wasn't until much later in the day that I realized I never addressed his ordering for me. It had really bothered me that he didn't even ask afterwards if that was okay. But I had been so caught up in his revelation of looking for a wife. Wow. A wife. I sighed as I thought about that. Deep down, I wanted it. I wanted what Valerie had. But I still wanted to be me. I still wanted to work. I would have to ask Dickie about what kind of wife he was looking for. I wasn't interested in being someone's trophy.

.

.

.

* * *

Thank you for reading. Please leave a review!


	6. Chapter 5

A/N: Thank you to the lovely Julie for being so awesome.

Thank you to all the readers and reviewers! I have said this to a few of the reviewers, but it warrants being said in a more public way. The Cupcakes are simply the most amazingly supportive and inclusive community. This is not my first dance within the fanfiction community - but it has been BY FAR one of the most positive experiences I have had. And we are just at chapter 5! Thank you all so, so much!

Now onto the story. Joe does finally make an appearance. That's all I'm saying.

.

* * *

**A Change In Me**

**Chapter Five**

* * *

.

Due to my crazy schedule, I really didn't have a lot of time for dating. I was hoping to quit working at the Tasty Pastry soon. I only had a few more weeks on my internship, and the hospital did offer me a full-time position, pending my examination results. I was so excited. I had done really well in all my course work, top 98% even. I told Dickie that we would need to maybe take things a little more slowly until I could get through the next month or so.

"Really?" he said with disbelief.

"I just have a few more weeks to push through and then I will be on a normal schedule." I smiled at him sweetly, hoping his frown would fade away.

"I barely see you as it is, Stephanie."

"I know." I stroked his arm. "I wish I had more time. And I really like our time together, I just think we may have to slow things down a little – just until I am settled in my job."

He huffed lightly. "Slower than they are now? I think that puts us back to strangers."

"Stop." I arched a brow at him. "I don't kiss strangers." I leaned forward and kissed his cheek.

He sighed loudly, but kept his body rigid.

"Fine, Dickie. I will just kill myself to pass my exams, take care of Sophia, and make sure I have time to go on dates with you."

"Like I don't have things to do? You're getting an associates degree, Stephanie. I am a lawyer for a prestigious law firm."

I stepped back from him and found my hands firmly planted on my hips. But before I could begin to rant at him –

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. You know I am extremely impressed with everything you have achieved." He quickly pulled me into his arms. "I'm being an ass. I'm so sorry."

"That was definitely ass-like of you."

"It was," he agreed whole-heartedly. He smiled at me and then leaned forward to kiss me softly. "I think that was our first fight."

"Was it?"

"I think so."

"Well now we can never go back to being strangers." I smiled up at him. "We would be exes."

"Never."

"Never?"

He kissed me once more, leaving me breathless.

.

**OoOoO**

.

Meanwhile, Val was coming to the house more often to learn from Mom some of her favorite recipes. They also decided that it would be fun to learn to knit together, so that they could make something for the baby. Mom even mentioned that it was something she had always wanted to do. Not that I probably would have wanted to learn knitting when I was seventeen, but it really hurt me to think Mom had never even considered doing that with me. Again, I was happy for Val, but it always made me feel a little sad to watch them bonding over this baby. And it really bothered me when I would see Sophia innocently helping them, not knowing that no one ever wanted to make her a baby blanket.

Sophia was getting more and more curious about her new cousin, and I knew that it was only a matter of time before she would want to know more about herself. She had, of course, seen pictures of me when I was pregnant, but I didn't think she understood. I think she thought that she had simply been hiding underneath my clothes.

I came home one evening from a long day at the hospital. I was so tired, and I had forgotten that everyone was coming over for dinner. Grandma Mazur met me at the door.

"Hey, Stephanie! You look tired. You want some coffee before dinner? I won't tell your mom." She smiled mischievously.

"Thanks, Grandma. That would be great."

"It's too bad your new man couldn't come tonight. It would be nice for him to meet everyone."

"I know. But I'm not ready for him to be around Sophia. And we've barely been able to see each other the last few weeks. I think I need to date him a little longer first."

"So wise. You get that from me, you know?" She patted her chest proudly.

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" Sophia came hurdling into the entryway, her curls bouncing wildly. "Pick me up!"

I hoisted her up on my hip, and she threw her arms around me. "I missed you, bug. Were you good for Grammy and Nana today?"

She nodded. "Uh-huh. And Auntie Val too. And guess what?"

"What?" I said with wide eyes.

"You can see the baby in Auntie Val's tummy!"

"You can?"

Grandma stroked Sophia's mass of curls. "She's starting to really show, and they have a new ultra-sound."

"Yes, Mommy. There's a picture of the baby! It's so cute."

I laughed at her. "Can you even tell it's a baby?"

She twisted her mouth in thought. "I don't know."

"That's okay, Sophia," Grandma said sweetly. After glancing over her shoulder, she leaned forward and whispered. "I thought it looked more like a blob."

Sophia giggled at that.

"Don't tell your Aunt Val, okay?" Grandma whispered again before leaving to get my coffee.

.

After downing my secret cup of coffee, I had taken Sophia upstairs to be with me while I changed out of my scrubs.

"Mommy, did you know that Uncle Steve is going to be a daddy?"

I froze with my scrubs top halfway over my head. "He is?"

"Uh-huh. Auntie Val says she's gonna be a mommy and Uncle Steve's gonna be a daddy."

I smiled at her, dreading where this conversation was going. I sat on my bed and watched her for a moment. We shared my room. She could have easily been in Val's room by now, but I had just not been able to move her out. My parents had surprised me at my baby shower by getting a convertible crib. It was now made into her tiny little bed. She sat on her bed, rocking Lady like a baby.

"Come here, bug."

After gently placing Lady under her blanket, Sophia came over and climbed onto my lap. "You're not wearing a shirt," she observed, amused. She laid her head against my chest and grabbed onto my bra strap with one hand, like she had always done.

"I love you, Sophia Grace."

"I love you, Mommy."

I kissed her head. I wished we could just stay up here for the night. I wasn't interested in being with the whole family.

"Mama? Was I in your tummy?"

I smiled as I tickled her lightly in the ribs. "You sure were. You were a wiggly little thing."

She giggled and looked up at me with those big brown eyes. "Did my daddy put me there?"

I gaped at her. What the hell was Valerie telling her? "Umm… "

She started to tear up. "I don't have a daddy."

"Oh no, baby. You have a daddy. He's just not with us." I looked up, trying to reign in my own tears.

And where was he? I had no idea. I hadn't seen him again and it had been two months. I had been ignoring all mentions of the Morellis for so long, I may have missed something about what he was doing. And the truth was that a part of me still hoped he never came back again.

But my sweet little girl was staring at me with glassy eyes, waiting for me to make it all better. How could I let her grow up not knowing the truth about her father? What would that do to her to think that he was some stranger who helped me get drunk? But what would it do to her to know that Joe had wormed his way into my heart and into my pants and then left without ever saying goodbye?

Sophia clung to me, pulling on my bra strap. "Is he gonna come back?"

I sighed. I couldn't answer that question without first telling Joe. That meant I would have to find out where he was. What if he refused to acknowledge her? I wasn't about to force parenthood on him. I would rather find a man who would want to be her daddy, like Dickie.

"I don't know, bug. Mommy doesn't know. But I know that I love you, and Grammy and Grampy love you, and Nana and Papa love you, and Auntie Val and Uncle Steven love you. You are so special to all of us. And I hope some day we will find you a daddy to love you too."

She nodded her head against my chest.

As soon as we made it back downstairs, Sophia ran to Grandpa Mazur. They had a special bond. Her Papa was the only other person she wanted besides me when she was upset. I loved that she trusted him like that. He had always been there for me in the same way. His gentleness and calm affection made you feel safe when he held you and whispered his wisdom into your ears. I could already see him soothing my baby girl. It broke my heart to see her missing out on anything. I never realized how much it would affect her to go without a father. I had always assumed the other men in her life would be enough. Now I could see that wasn't true. Maybe my mother was right about finding a husband.

.

Dinner was its usual state of controlled chaos. Val was entering her fifth month, and the ultra-sound had revealed that she was having a baby girl. Steven had made the announcement once we were all seated. But it only took a few minutes before the men were more interested in discussing sports while the women were talking non-stop about the baby. Sophia was so excited about having a girl cousin. She even joined them in talking about dresses, bows, and anything pink. When Val suggested that they incorporate pink into their knitting projects, I glared at my mother. It still pissed me off that she hadn't once mentioned making one for Sophia.

I stared blankly at my plate as I remembered my ultra sound appointments. They had never been big celebrations. In fact, Mary Lou had been the only one who acted happy for me. But she had still been a teenager, and underneath her encouraging words, I had seen her fears for me and her relief for herself that she wasn't dealing with a pregnancy. My parents eventually had come around - at the hospital when they were about to meet their first grandchild. They had been very supportive once the shock had worn off, but excitement and joy had never been part of our family dinners. Of course, once they met Sophia, they were completely smitten. But it was still hard to see how different this experience was for Val than me.

Grandma cleared her throat to get my attention. "You should learn to knit too, Stephanie."

"With what time? I'm taking my exam next week. And then I'll be starting my full-time job in two more weeks."

"But you'll be quitting the bakery," she tried. "You will have some more time then."

"I don't know. I'm still considering staying at the bakery. If I do, I might be able to move out sooner."

That got my mom's attention. "Move out? Why would you need to move out?"

Val sighed in exasperation, upset that the attention had shifted away from her. "Mom, Stephanie is going to need her own space. Especially if things continue to grow more serious with Dickie."

I rolled my eyes at her, but I couldn't argue against that. Eventually, I would let him be around Sophia, and it would be nice to tuck her in and have some adult time without being at my parents' house.

My mom was clearly in a quandary. She wanted things to progress with Dickie, but she didn't want us to ever leave. She'd probably have him move in too if she could. "Well, I suppose it's reasonable for you to move out now that you will be working a real job."

I smiled in gratitude for not pushing this further.

"Mommy, I don't want to leave Grammy and Grampy."

Great. "Sophie, we talked about this. When we move out, we can get a puppy, remember?"

"Oh yeah." She looked over at Mom in sympathy. "I'll come visit you, Grammy. Don't worry." She turned back to her plate.

Mom's face fell. "You know, maybe you should hold off on moving out. It would be pointless to sign a lease and then have to break it."

"Break it? Why would that happen?"

"Well, when you get married, of course, you will have to move in with Dickie."

"Mother, we are just dating."

I held my hands over Sophia's ears, something I had done many times before. Thankfully, my daughter was still young enough to think it was a game called Seashells where if she listened hard enough she could hear a mermaid singing to her. Blame it on a drunken Mary Lou, venting about her sex life in front of my sweet little girl.

"And don't talk about that in front of her," I continued.

"You said he was looking for a wife," she challenged.

"And I have regretted saying it ever since."

Sophia tilted her head up at me. I smiled at her, but kept my hands firmly in place.

"Stephanie, you know that he's serious about you. He wouldn't even have said that if he weren't. And he's being so patient with you. You really need to bring him around Sophia. It's time she gets to know him. She needs a father."

I was seeing red. "I know that," I snapped in a whispered voice. "She was crying about not having a daddy today. You want to explain to me why she was talking about daddies without me around?"

Val looked down. That's what I thought. In Val's mind, everything was black and white. Good and evil. It was annoying at best, and at worst made her uncompassionate to those of us who didn't live in her perfect world.

Mom continued, "Dickie won't propose until he's sure that he can bond with Sophia. The sooner you introduce them, the sooner things can move along. You can be planning a wedding instead of spending money on an apartment."

I dropped my hands. "Thank you, Sophia. You were a very good girl."

"I heard her, Mommy!" She bounced in her seat.

"That's great, bug!" I kissed her head and ignored my mother the rest of dinner.

.

**OoOoO**

.

I entered the Tasty Pastry one Saturday morning with mixed emotions. I had passed my exams easily. But I also had decided that I would be quitting the bakery. I would make enough money at the hospital, and as much as I hated to admit it, my mother was right about Dickie. Things needed to move forward, and I would need the time so I could see my daughter and go on dates. Plus, I was hoping that it wouldn't be too much longer before the three of us could do things together.

I smiled at Big Red when I came in and she immediately hugged me tight. I would miss her, but I knew we would still visit her. Big Red had become like another grandmother to Sophia. She probably was also the only person who could make a real guess at Sophia's father. She only once hinted at it, but I quickly changed the subject and she never brought it up again.

Big Red stayed with me throughout the day, but she had to leave early to go to her sister's house. That left me closing, which was no problem. I had told her that I would always be available to her if she needed me, and she insisted that I keep my keys for now.

"You better bring my Cutie Pie to see me, Stephanie," Big Red warned me, as she stood at the door, ready to leave.

"You know I will."

"I expect weekly calls or visits."

"Yes, _Loretta_. You think Sophie would actually let me get by with not bringing her here to see you?"

She chuckled and then paused to fluff her hair in the reflection of the door window. "Well, love ya, darlin', and I'll be talkin' to you real soon."

"Love you too."

She waved at me. "Byeee!"

.

I was just cleaning up the counters when the bell above the door rang. In walked Joe with Terry Grizzoli. He had his arm draped over her shoulder. Oh God. This was the last place I ever wanted to see him again. I was practically standing where Sophia was conceived!

I quickly put my head down. I wasn't ready to face him. And I was mentally kicking myself for being so foolish to block out all information about him these last several months. I had heard something about the police, but I didn't ever listen long enough to learn more. I think I had been more panicked about his return than I realized when I had heard he had come back from the Navy. It looked like my time had run out.

"Well, what do you know? It's Stephanie Plum!" Terry said delightedly. "Joey, you remember her from high school? Maybe not. She didn't really get a reputation until after you left."

I could feel my cheeks burning, but I chose to ignore her.

Joe said nothing. I wanted so desperately to look up and see what his expression would tell me, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

She continued. "So, Stephanie, I'm surprised you're still working here."

"May I help you?" I asked as professionally as possible, but I could hear the clip to my words.

She laughed, completely ignoring me. "Of course, this is where you make your second income too. Joey, did you know that Stephanie runs her own _private_ business out of here?"

That got my attention and I glared at her, but I still kept my mouth shut.

Joe looked up at me, finally. He looked angry. "Yeah, I heard you've been quite busy."

My mouth dropped open. After a moment of us staring at each other, I found my voice. "Get. Out."

Terry's eyes gleamed with malice. "What? You're not offering your services anymore?"

"I said get out. Now. Before I call the police."

She practically squealed in delight. "No problem. Joey's just become a cop." She pulled him closer to her and placed a hand possessively on his chest.

So he _had_ been at the police academy. I had thought maybe he would go back to school like we had talked about when we had been friends. NO! We were never friends. He used me. I was just another easy lay to him.

Heaving in anger, I pulled myself up and looked him in the eye. "We're closed. I need you to leave."

Joe's face had been set in a mask, but I saw a flicker of concern, and I nearly screamed at him. Terry must have seen it too because she suddenly clung to him like a life preserver. He looked like he was tolerating her attention, just barely. It was so confusing. Why was he acting this way? He was the one who hurt me!

I quickly brushed past them and turned the open sign around to say closed. I held the door open and waited for them to leave. I couldn't bring myself to look at them. Terry was whining about the poor service and not being surprised considering who I was. Joe was completely quiet. Finally, they were gone. I fell to the floor, a sobbing mess. I didn't even care that they could still see me if they looked.

I sat at the door for a few minutes, staring into the bakery in front of me. But all I could see was Joe: locking up the shop, helping me clean, telling me how it was going to count that time. Straight across from me on the very same floor, I had given myself to him, heart, mind, and body. He had taken so much from me that night, but he never knew what he had given me.

Suddenly, I needed to leave. As soon as possible. I jumped up and locked the door. After turning off all the lights, I bolted out the back. It took me several tries with my key before I remembered I was driving my dad's car while mine was in the shop. I screamed in frustration as I dropped the keys from my shaking hands. Once I made it into the car, I started to break down again. My nose was dripping and I was gasping for breath between my gut-wrenching sobs. All those feelings from when he left were clawing their way back through me, making me feel as helpless as that seventeen-year-old girl I used to be. Suddenly, my sorrow turned to anger. I screamed out loud and flung my arms against the steering wheel, causing it to vibrate under the pounding of my fists. I accidentally hit the horn and it jolted me from my fit. But when I looked up, I saw the place that Joe had kissed me for the first time just a few feet from where I was parked.

And then, I couldn't breathe. Almost hyperventilating, I rolled the windows down to get some fresh air into the hot car. It was July, and the summer was really heating up. I felt like I was choking as I kept replaying that kiss. The way he looked at me, the way he held me close. I took a few deep, cleansing breaths, but then I started crying again.

I had loved him! Oh God, I had loved him so much. Why did he leave me? Why did he betray me? Why didn't he love me?

I was so upset, so distraught; I didn't even notice Joe approaching the car.

He leaned into the window and touched my shoulder. "Oh God. Cupcake, I'm so sor–"

"DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN!" I screamed into his face.

He frowned, but he didn't back away. And almost without thinking, I threw the car into reverse and cranked the wheel to the right. It happened so fast, but I saw him fall to the ground as I felt the wheel hit him hard.

"Fuck!" he cried out. "Holy shit!" He rolled over and braced his leg, screaming out several more curse words.

I stopped the car about ten feet away from him, frozen as the realization of what I'd just done washed over me.

He looked over at me, anger pouring off of him. "I was coming over to apologize! What the fuck is wrong with you? Have you lost your mind? I just got my job!"

I blinked at him in confusion; it was like he was speaking another language. Scared out of my mind at what I had just done, I channeled that fear back into anger. "Go back to your stupid girlfriend!" I spun away as he continued to scream at me.

.

By the time I made it back home, I was a frazzled mess. Dad looked really concerned as I stood frozen in the entryway, and Sophia instantly started crying when she saw me.

"Mommy," she wailed as she clung to my legs. "Mommy!"

I looked over at Mom. "Please take her upstairs. I have to talk to Dad."

My mom pried her off of my legs, and I almost broke down again, hearing her cry out for me. I had scared her, and I hated myself for that. I waited until she quieted down before I turned to my father.

"Dad, I am in so much trouble," I said quietly.

He took a deep breath and sighed. "Are you pregnant again?"

"NO!" I screamed, and then I could hear another cry for me from upstairs. I collapsed onto the couch and put my head in my hands. "I hit Joe Morelli with your car."

"What?" he said quietly, being a much better parent than I was at that moment.

"I ran over his leg."

He cursed under his breath. "What did the doctor say? Is it shattered?"

I felt the breath leave my body. I hadn't even considered that. "I don't know."

"Didn't you stay and find out?"

"I didn't take him to the hospital."

He stood over me and waited for me to look up at him. "Did you call the police?"

"No."

"Oh my God, Stephanie!" he scream whispered again. "You did a hit and run!"

"I know," I cried, my face back in my hands.

"Why on earth would you leave him?"

I looked at him, my eyes stinging from my tears. "You need to sit down."

He warily followed my advice.

"I did it on purpose."

I think I had stunned him. He just stared at me like I was an alien.

"He … was the one who …"

My heart stopped. Was this it? Was this the moment I finally came clean? No. Now I would never tell Joe. For as bad as I felt about hurting him, I knew that I didn't want him anywhere near Sophia. And I would die before I let Terry be around my daughter.

My dad was looking at me with so much concern. I dropped my gaze to my lap. The truth lodged in my throat like a brick, making me feel awful. But I refused to let Joe hurt Sophia. I took a deep breath and quickly said, "He was the one who wrote all those things about me on the walls. Because … I rejected him in front of his friends."

His eyes narrowed. "Joseph Morelli destroyed your reputation?"

I almost pointed out that I had done a good job of that by getting pregnant, but if this was going to get him on my side so be it. And it was the truth – well, most of it. Finally, something I could actually reveal.

"Yes. He admitted it to me," I continued more strongly. "And he called me a name that referenced what had been said." I decided to omit that he had called me 'Cupcake' since I didn't think it wouldn't really help my argument.

Dad bolted up from his seat and marched over to the phone. I watched him in wonder as he looked up a number and then dialed it with stabbing fingers. It was times like these that I remembered Dad was Italian.

"Angie? This is Frank Plum … "

I felt my stomach flip-flop. Oh shit.

"I know what she did – do you know what that son of yours did to her? …. He was the one writing all that trash about her all over town, and then he had the nerve to rub it in her face today!"

He looked at me smugly like he had just made an excellent point. I'm not sure if bathroom graffiti warranted attempted vehicular manslaughter, but who was I to argue that?

"No, I don't know why!" he continued, but he looked over at me and gave me a questioning look that I completely ignored. "He doesn't even know her! He must have been drunk like that useless father of his. We all thought he might be different – but he's clearly still a Morelli!"

Uh-oh. This was going into dangerous territory. I jumped up from the couch and grabbed Dad's arm. "Stop, Dad. Don't cause problems between you and the Morellis. I think I defended myself enough already."

He frowned at me, but then nodded with a proud smile. "Yes, that's her," he spoke more calmly into the phone. "Yes, I will tell her."

He hung up and gave me a puzzled look. "She says that Bella won't let her call the police on you, but she's still going to try and convince Joe to press charges."

.

The next several days I was convinced that I was going to be arrested at every turn, but it never happened. I chose to believe that Mrs. Morelli never did convince Joe. But I was so confused. I had no idea why Joe wouldn't be taking his just revenge. Even though I remembered that he had been trying to apologize at the car, I also clearly remembered him implying that I had become a slut. No matter what was happening, that was not how I envisioned meeting Joe again. I simply prayed that he felt guilty enough about upsetting me that he wouldn't come after me. And his grandmother protecting me made absolutely no sense. Maybe Bella actually was psychic. She probably wouldn't want her great-grandchild to lose her mother to prison. No. More likely, she knew her grandson deserved to get run over by a car.

Once I started my new job, being at work seemed to distract me a little. Dickie and I did have more time for each other since I was only working at the hospital. I was lucky enough to get a good shift in the outpatient wing of the hospital. It was a great position and I worked with Anna, which was awesome. Basically, I was feeling pretty good. As far as I was concerned, Joe was not going to be part of our lives. And I was more than ready to move things along with Dickie.

.

**OoOoO**

.

Of course, once Mary Lou found out that I was considering sleeping with Dickie, she ripped me apart for not having met him yet. So I agreed to a double date with her and her boyfriend Lenny.

Dickie decided that we should all go to this new fondue restaurant in town. He thought it would be fun and at least "keep us busy if the conversation was lacking". Lenny and Mary Lou had an unconventional relationship. Lenny was an okay guy, but he didn't seem to be in a hurry to do anything. And I wasn't always sure how I felt about him, so I couldn't really argue with Dickie about how much fun he would be having with Lenny.

We arrived before they did and couldn't be seated until our party was complete. Dickie was put out and I hoped it wouldn't ruin the whole evening.

"Steph!" Mary Lou called to me as soon as they entered the lobby. Then she dragged Lenny through the crowd of people and up to us.

"Hi, I'm Mary Lou," she introduced herself, hand extended to Dickie, "Steph's best friend. So you better impress me 'cause my opinion counts!"

Dickie smiled at her, but I could see he already thought she was annoying. "Pleasure to meet you."

"Um … hi. I'm Lenny. Mary Lou's other half, but I've known these two since grade school."

Dickie nodded. "So you all grew up together?"

Looping my arm through his, I leaned my head against his shoulder. "Lenny was too cool for us in high school. He was captain of the football team. But we both remember when he would eat the play dough when Miss Roberts wasn't looking."

Dickie chuckled along with us, but I think he was just playing nice.

Mary Lou kissed Lenny on the cheek. "And he cried for his mom whenever he didn't feel well."

"Only until second grade!" Lenny defended. Then he shrugged. "Maybe a few times after that."

Dickie informed the hostess of our complete party, and we were quickly seated. Once we decided on our meal choices, the waitress began serving our courses. It was fun to cook the food at the table and try the different types of meat, cheeses, and breads.

Conversation returned to my past with Mary Lou and Lenny once Dickie had given his own brief history. He also earned points with Mary Lou, talking about how lucky he was to have met me. Lenny even joined into the conversation more as we ate and drank.

"Mary Lou and I weren't really in the popular group. We weren't unpopular, but she played clarinet and I twirled baton in the marching band." I shrugged. "Of course, I had to give up my majorette uniform once I was pregnant. The school sort of frowned on me being out in front."

Mary Lou snorted. "Yeah, and you practically took out Mr. Harris with your baton."

"Poor Mr. Harris. I think I almost injured him at least once every year."

Dickie smiled at that. "You still have that uniform?"

"Maybe," I replied flirtatiously.

Mary Lou made a googly-eyed face at us and then turned back to Lenny. "This one here wasn't allowed to date me." She suddenly looked over at me, an apologetic smile on her face. "I'm sorry, Steph. I shouldn't have said that."

"It's fine." I smiled, but I always felt bad about how Mary Lou had been roped into my bad reputation. I looked over at Dickie, who was looking confused. "Lenny's mom thought that Mare would be … would be a bad influence on him."

Dickie lifted his brows at Lenny, who had dropped his head slightly. "Because of you?" he asked perceptively, looking back at me.

"Yeah. Mare was the best friend ever. She stuck by me no matter what everyone else said."

Lenny sighed. "I'm sorry, Stephanie. I know I wasn't such a good friend to you."

I shook my head. "We weren't really friends, Lenny. It's fine."

He looked at Dickie. "The guys I ran with all were kind of jerks. I should have stood up for Stephanie. I knew she wasn't like what everyone said."

Dickie squeezed my shoulder. "I'm sure being pregnant in high school was very difficult."

Lenny jumped in again. "It was more about what was on all the walls. And then the pregnancy just confirmed it for most guys."

I blushed to the roots of my hair. I had somehow kept this little tidbit of information from Dickie, along with the whole car incident. And now that the Burg knew it was Joe who had wrote those things about me, thanks to our recent 'run-in', I worried what this would mean in the future when Dickie knew Joe was the father. Ugh. I almost felt sick thinking about telling him about Joe.

Dickie kissed my temple. "You okay?"

"Yeah." I looked at Mary Lou, trying to convey a message to change the subject, but she was busy dipping two pieces of bread.

"This guy we went to school with wrote all kinds of crap about her on several bathroom walls," she said before she handed Lenny his fork. She carefully brought her fondue fork to her mouth and swallowed her bread with a smile. "He was so full of himself. And Steph turned him down at this party in front of all his friends."

"It was no big deal," I said quickly. "I'm sure he was probably drunk or something."

"Joe Morelli thought he could have any girl he wanted, Stephanie. And he knew you had a crush on him." She rolled her eyes at me. "Good thing you outgrew that."

I laughed, but it sounded hollow even to my own ears. "Yep."

When we left the restaurant, Mary Lou whispered that we would need to talk soon. I knew that she wasn't completely sold on Dickie, but I hoped that over time she would get to know him better. It wasn't like I was Lenny's biggest fan either and that hadn't affected our friendship.

.

Dickie waited until we were in the car before he gave me his verdict on the evening. "I'm glad you have had Mary Lou as a friend. Sounds like you needed someone to count on." He placed his hand on my thigh and gave it a small pat. "I hope you know I can be that someone for you now."

I placed my hand over his. "I do. Mary Lou has been wonderful, but I'm so glad to have you in my life right now."

"So what's the story between them?" he asked, referring to Lenny.

I laughed. "I can't figure it out, honestly. She loves him. At first I just thought she was caught up in getting the popular boy. We weren't joking about him being in the cool group at school. And when everyone found out I was pregnant … let's just say that our social ranking dropped quite a bit. It was kind of amazing Mare stayed by my side."

He glanced over at me with a frown. "I honestly forget how young you were when you had Sophia. You really don't come across as twenty-one."

I sighed with a mixture of agreement and resignation. "I had to grow up. But anyway, Lenny wouldn't even look at us our senior year. And Mary Lou was completely infatuated with him. Then they run into each other like a year ago, and he pursues her big time." I rolled my eyes and shifted towards him. "But he won't sleep with her."

"Won't sleep with her?"

"Well, everything but actual sex. His mother is crazy, and she still thinks Mary Lou is a slut. So Lenny is convinced that if he can tell his mother that they aren't having sex, then maybe she will come around."

"And lying to his mother isn't an option?" he asked simply.

I laughed, but a part of me felt a little concerned that Dickie could be so blasé about lying to your mother. I mean, I did it, but I didn't feel good about it. "Well, Lenny is a bit of a mama's boy."

"Hmm."

"Mary Lou is not the kind of girl to sit around and wait for someone's approval. But Lenny still lives at home and doesn't seem to care when or if he moves out. It creates a strange dynamic between the two of them."

"I noticed. She mothers him too. Maybe it will work out then." He chuckled. "There's no way I could go without sex."

"Yeah," I agreed, wondering how much longer he would go without it. Was he? Was there someone else keeping him company while he waited patiently for me?

"You're worth the wait, Stephanie," he said sweetly and leaned over for a quick kiss.

.

.

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* * *

Thank you so much for reading! And now please prove me right and leave one of those amazing reviews!


	7. Chapter 6

A/N: Thank you, Julie. So so much. You make this process so much more fun.

Thank you to all the readers and reviewers. Love love love reading your thoughts.

This chapter is a bit short. Sorry about that, but it ended where it needed to.

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* * *

**A Change In Me**

**Chapter Six**

* * *

.

Before I knew it, it was the end of August and we were planning Sophia's fourth birthday. Dickie and I were really hitting it off. He was such an adult, but I felt like he indulged me being young. He gave me the security to act carefree, something I hadn't realized that I missed. He also was very generous. He showered me with gifts, fancy dinners, and evenings at the theatre or symphony. I never knew that I could enjoy the performing arts, but Dickie encouraged me to try new things. And the entire time, he never pressured me to become more physical with him. Not that we hadn't been getting more comfortable with that part of our relationship. I was feeling more and more convinced that a life with Dickie could actually be a really great thing for Sophia and me. Dickie even sent little gifts to Sophia through me since I still hadn't let him around her again. And he never complained about that either.

We did have some serious discussions about the future. Dickie wanted to know if I was going to want more children. I hadn't really considered the possibility – much like marriage, it was something that I had given up on. And seeing Valerie go through a pregnancy with a doting husband made me long to have the same experience. And the truth is that I adored my child. I wouldn't undo one second of the last four and a half years if it meant I couldn't have her. Not one college experience would ever compare to seeing her first steps or hearing her first word – "kay" for cake. That's my girl!

I told Dickie that I would want to have more children, and he surprised me by telling me that he would want to adopt Sophia.

I cringed the moment he said it. I had still not revealed that I knew who her father was. Dickie had heard – from my mother – that Sophia had been the result of my first encounter with alcohol. I think she also hinted that I had been drugged. _Whatever helps you sleep, Mom. _

"Dickie, I think I need to tell you something about Sophia," I said hesitantly.

And then I thought about how I should be telling Joe. I still hadn't done that. I had made up my mind to never tell him. But it still bothered me when I let myself think about it.

He stroked my hand. "What is it, Steph?"

"I …"

Shit! I couldn't do it. I needed to find Joe first. And where was he anyway? I hadn't seen him at all around town since I hit him with the car. _Can you blame him, Stephanie? _

I smiled at Dickie. "I … I think it's time you met her again." There. That's both true and made perfect sense.

He smiled broadly. "Really?"

"Yeah, maybe at her birthday. There will be a lot of people there, and you can bring her a gift. She won't remember you from before, but she knows 'Dickie' sends her surprises. She'll be thrilled to see you."

"Thank you, Stephanie. I know that this is a big deal for you."

"It is. But I think we're ready for it."

His eyes darkened as he leaned in and kissed me. "Are we ready for anything else?"

I blushed under his intense gaze. "Yeah. I think we're ready for that too."

.

I spent the night with Dickie the following Friday. It was so scary to actually plan being with him. None of my other sexual encounters were planned. And two of them involved alcohol. And Joe, well, he was his own brand of intoxicating. Dickie was very sweet all through the dinner he prepared. I had been to his house a few times already, and I enjoyed being able to have a relatively quiet and non-crowded dinner in his dining room.

I purposely chose to refrain from more than one glass of wine. I didn't want to dull any of my senses. I also found myself picking at my food. I just couldn't relax. Dickie seemed to pick up on my nervousness.

"You know I think you are beautiful. You have nothing to worry about, Stephanie."

I smiled at him. "Thank you, Dickie. I just … It's been a while. I've only been with two men." This lie had been said so many times, I didn't have to think about it anymore.

"Good. I like that you've been selective. It means that much more to me that you're willing to share yourself with me." He stood from the table and reached for my hand.

I felt almost like a virgin again as he led me to his bedroom. He slowly undressed me, kissing me softly after each piece of clothing was removed. It made me feel special, like it was supposed to be. Not just some teenage crush turned into a hormonal frenzy on the floor of a bakery.

Dickie was gentle and loving throughout our time together. It was different than any of my other experiences. It may not have been as passionate as I would have liked, but he made me feel loved. And in the morning, he told me that was how he felt. He loved me. And I said it back.

.

**OoOoO**

.

Sophia's birthday party was on her actual birthday, Sunday September 5th. I was really excited to finally bring Dickie to my parents' house and let her meet him again. My parents had gone out to dinner with us a couple of times while Grandpa and Grandma Mazur watched Sophia, and we had been to Steven and Valerie's house once for dinner. This would be the first time everyone would be together.

I woke up my baby girl with kisses all over her face. "Good morning, Sophia," I sang.

"Is it my birthday?" she asked sleepily, clutching tightly to Lady.

"Yes, bug, you're four years old today."

She peaked up at me, a soft smile on her face that immediately reminded me of Joe. I did my best to keep my smile on my face. For almost four years, I had been able to keep any resemblances out of my mind. Now, I couldn't help but see him in our daughter.

"Mama, can I have cake now?"

I laughed as I leaned over and blew a raspberry on her tummy. "You can have pancakes!"

"Yay!" She suddenly was awake, and she struggled to get up. "I'm hungry now!"

I shook my head at her. "Okay, let's go downstairs and see what Grammy has for the birthday girl."

.

After breakfast we all went to Mass. I had stopped going to Sunday morning Mass when I had Sophia. Mostly it was because it was hard to get everything ready in the mornings to take her out. But a part of me was very aware that the Morellis all attended Sunday morning Mass. I had considered changing parishes, but I was afraid that would cause too many questions – mostly from my parents. I was surprised how much my religion meant to me over the years. I had always been a good Catholic girl for the most part, but Father O'Riley took a special interest in me when I was pregnant and really encouraged me to stay in school and not give up on myself. He was yet one more reason to stay at St. Joachim's. Eventually, my parents even started attending Saturday Mass with us. I think they just wanted to make sure I was going, but they also wanted to worship together. Val and Steven attended a different church on the other side of town, close to where they lived.

We had foregone our normal Saturday Mass the day before because Mom and Dad got us tickets to an ice show for Sophia's birthday. I was surprised that my dad went with us; I had expected him to stay home. But he held Sophia most of the night, and I could see the joy he got out of watching her be captivated by all the lights and the amazing skaters. It was a wonderful evening.

So there we were, arriving with Grandpa and Grandma Mazur on Sunday morning at the front of the large cathedral. I had allowed Sophia to wear one of her birthday presents – a new soft yellow, ruffled dress. Her curls were styled back from her face with matching yellow ribbons. She looked like a little Belle from "Beauty and the Beast". She had squealed in delight when she opened it. And then she twirled in front of the mirror until we were almost late getting out the door.

We made our way down the aisle to where Grandpa and Grandma Mazur always sat. I noticed the Morellis, taking up several pews on our left as we headed in. I immediately scanned them for Joe, but I didn't see him. I sighed in relief and quickly made my way to my seat. I didn't want to see his mother either!

Sophia was always very well behaved at church. It was another one of her traits she inherited from Mom. They looked like copycats, sitting next to each other with their hands placed delicately in their laps. About halfway through the Gloria, I heard some shuffling behind me and turned around to see Joe hobbling on crutches towards his family. I quickly turned back around, hoping that he had not noticed me. It was all I could do to concentrate on the homily, knowing Joe was sitting just a dozen rows behind us. This was the closest he had ever been to Sophia. My heart stopped as I realized that everything could end this morning if Joe somehow recognized her as his.

As soon as Mass ended, I grabbed Sophia and headed towards the front. I told everyone that Father O'Riley would want to wish her happy birthday personally. She was eager to see Father and show him her "new favorite dress." I almost picked her up so that I could make it more quickly through the crowd of people exiting the other way, but I didn't want to lift her to eye level. It was safer if she stayed relatively hidden by her small size. I couldn't stop glancing over my shoulder, even though I knew it made me look paranoid and guilty. Well, I guess I was guilty. I was keeping a father from his child. What kind of person did that make me? But then I looked back one more time and Joe was staring right at me from his pew. I almost fell over Sophia. He was giving me the strangest expression, like he was angry and sad at the same time. Then several people stepped between us, and I shook off all the conflicting emotions that were twisting within me.

Father O'Riley ooh'd and aah'd just the right way to keep Sophia glowing with happiness. In a desperate attempt to delay our departure, I spent time lighting a votive candle, praying for Joe to not find us. Would God even answer a selfish prayer like that? Then we stopped and talked to several people we didn't really need to talk to. Once I could see that the Morellis were gone, I picked Sophia up and quickly headed out the church, shooting straight to the parking lot where my parents were waiting. I don't think I relaxed until we were back at home.

.

The birthday party was a huge success. Sophia was thrilled with her Beauty and the Beast theme. (See, I could plan ahead.) She was already dressed the part, and I used the camcorder to record her reaction to this. She actually started crying in joy when she realized that she looked like Belle. I had to hold her for a few minutes and remind her that Belle was a strong girl who didn't cry at parties. Somehow that worked.

Dickie arrived with a large box, wrapped in bright pink paper. I had given him some suggestions on what to get her, but I was excited to see what he had gone with. He crossed through the room, coming straight to me, and leaned over to kiss me on the cheek. I blushed but I pulled him to me and kissed him briefly on the lips. Of course, I knew Sophia was out back already. I wouldn't have done that with her in the room. Val smiled broadly at us and showed Dickie where to put his gift.

Big Red came in from the kitchen carrying the birthday cake and stopped abruptly as she pointedly looked at Dickie's hand, which was resting on the small of my back. She gaped at me and then took her time looking Dickie up and down.

"Well then," she exclaimed loudly. "You'll have to excuse my blatant display of shock. On my honor, I swear I must have forgotten completely about you tellin' me that you met someone," Big Red said with mock sincerity. She placed the cake on the table next to Mom's pie. (In case the adults preferred something else, my mother had explained.)

"Big Red, I would like you to meet Dickie Orr." I rolled my eyes at her.

"It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm sure I'm at a disadvantage since Stephanie has not kept me informed of the news of her life." She smiled sweetly.

Dickie smiled good-naturedly. "The pleasure is all mine. And you may be right. Stephanie has told me all about the lovely and talented woman who helped her make her way through school."

"Oh, shush!" she simpered without a trace of actual humility.

"He thinks you're Anna," I said with a wicked gleam. "This is Loretta Cud, my former boss at the Tasty Pastry." I held in a giggle as she shot daggers at me.

"Hm," she squeaked out with a lift of her jaw.

For some reason, the two ladies who had helped me both emotionally and financially over the last few years did not like each other. I think Big Red resented Anna taking me from her more than any actual personal objections she had to my mentor. And Anna just didn't appreciate being disliked. It was probably a good thing she had to work today.

"I'm sorry." I crossed to her and hugged her until she relaxed. "It's just been … a lot has been going on."

"It's been weeks since you've come to see me, Stephanie, but I'll forgive you if this is why you've been absent." She once more looked Dickie over with approval.

I had been avoiding the Tasty Pastry as much as possible since I hit Joe with the car. It was as if I had lost my ability to suppress my memories of him there. I had even taken Sophia to see Big Red at her home instead of taking her to the shop, which earned me a very cranky child, upset that she wouldn't be getting to pick her treat from the display case.

"I'm afraid I have been monopolizing her time," Dickie inserted. "Don't hold it against her."

"Psshh. Stephanie will be having lunch with me in the next few days to make up for it."

Big Red made some small talk with us for a few moments. I wasn't sure what she thought of Dickie. She pretty much ogled every decent looking man that ever walked into the bakery. But I knew I would be getting an earful at our lunch, only after a severe grilling of course.

Mom warned me that it would be time to eat soon, so I called for Sophia to come in. She pouted about it until I told her that she got to meet a new friend. She came barreling into the kitchen, stopping, wide-eyed as she looked up at Dickie.

"Who are you?" she asked, a curious smile on her face.

"My name is Dickie, and I'm a really good friend of your mommy's."

She looked at me like that was the strangest thing she had ever heard. I rolled my eyes at her and crouched down to her level. "Mommy and Dickie are special friends, and I really want you to get to know him because you're my most important person." I smiled, hoping that the praise would smooth over any doubts she had.

She eyed him with her mouth twisted. "You sent me gifts!"

He laughed and crouched down next to me. "I sure did. And I brought you a special birthday gift too."

She bit her lip and gave him a goofy smile. She started twirling one of her curls around her finger and swaying back and forth, swishing her dress. I repressed a laugh. She was actually flirting with him.

Dickie shared a quick, amused grin with me. "I also wanted to ask you if it was okay that I sometimes hold your mommy's hand?"

She frowned suddenly. "Will you hold mine too?"

We both let out a breath of relief. "Of course," he answered. "And can I give your mommy kisses too?"

She smiled mischievously. "Me first."

Who was I raising?

He leaned forward and pecked her cheek. Then he took my hand and kissed me on the cheek. "Okay?"

She nodded. "Okay." She looked at me. "Can I go play now?"

"Yes," I answered happily, glad to have their meeting over and done.

.

It wasn't until it was time to blow out the candles that my reality came crashing back down. Sophia had been exceptionally well behaved for it being such a big day. She often became overwhelmed when there was too much going on. I sometimes wondered how long it would be before she started helping Mom with the ironing. She loved the Beauty and the Beast tea set that Dickie got her, and she even remembered that the gift from Grammy and Grampy was the show the night before. And since she loved cake, I was pretty sure that it would be smooth sailing until everyone left. Boy was I wrong.

I carried in the lit cake and placed it in front of Sophia. I glanced up at Dickie and smiled. This was nice. This could maybe someday happen in our house. I turned my eyes down as I realized that I was starting to sound like my mother, even if it was just in my head. Sophia beamed at the cake and then grabbed my hand.

"Mommy, do I still need to make a wish?"

"Of course, bug. You have to make a wish."

She scrunched up her nose. "But I got my wish."

I stroked her cheek. "Then you get to make another one."

"I do?"

"Yep. Now close your eyes and blow out your candles."

Everyone started to sing the birthday song to her, but Sophia frowned at the cake. "Mommy," she said so quietly I almost didn't hear her over the singing.

I leaned over to hear her better. "What, bug?"

"I'm scared I'll lose my wish."

"Which one? The one you already got?"

"Uh-huh. I don't want him to go." She sighed heavily.

Oh boy. I looked up at everyone as they finished the song. The other kids were starting to get restless in their excitement for cake. "Sophia, just blow out the candle and then you can tell Mommy about your wishes."

"Will I still get both?"

My goodness. "Maybe, if you're really good."

Her little face crumpled up. "I'm not going to!"

I leaned over and whispered, "I'll get you another wish candle if you blow this one out."

She crossed her arms, and I gave her a lifted brow. She leaned forward, quickly and angrily blowing out the big number-four candle on her cake. She hopped off her seat and ran upstairs, slamming the bedroom door.

I shook my head at Mom who was on her way to check on her, and then I shrugged to Dickie. I guess it wouldn't hurt for him to see up front that she wasn't always sunshine and giggles.

.

I slowly opened the door to our room. She was lying on my bed with her face buried in my pillows, crying.

"Sophia, will you tell me about your wishes now?"

She rolled over and held her arms up to me. I crawled into bed next to her and held her.

"Is Dickie my daddy?"

Uh …. Crap! "No, baby, he's not your daddy. But he really wants to get to know you and be your friend."

She whimpered and then buried her face in my chest. "I thought he was my wish. Sara says everybody has a daddy. But I don't."

I wasn't sure what to say to that. "What was your other wish?"

"A puppy."

I sighed. Of course. Neither of these things could I give her. I felt a twinge of guilt. That wasn't really true. Joe was back. But instead I focused on the second wish. "Bug, you know we will get a puppy as soon as we move out, okay?"

She sobbed louder. "I want my daddy!"

I wrapped her more tightly into my arms and rocked her. I felt like she had just stabbed me in the heart. That was the last thing I expected to hear from her. I blinked back my tears as I continued to rock her.

"You said you'd find me a daddy," she cried, muffled into my chest.

I could feel her tears leaking onto my skin though the top of my blouse. "Oh, bug, I know."

"I want him! I want my daddy!"

I cried with her for several minutes, unsure of what to say to her. She was my heart. And I wouldn't let Joe hurt her the way he had hurt me.

Grandma Mazur came into the room after we had both almost fallen asleep from our crying spell.

"I saved you the best piece of cake, Sophia."

She wiped her eyes and sat up. "You did?" she asked with only a hint of her normal excitement.

I sat up and shifted her into my lap. "Let's go eat some cake, bug." I wasn't about to bring up the whole daddy topic again.

Surprisingly, she agreed and we made our way back downstairs. Not surprisingly, she wanted her papa to hold her while she ate.

.

Dickie was still there, and I was glad to see him.

"I'm sorry I left you all alone down here," I said softly to him.

He wrapped me in a warm embrace and just held me for a moment. "You're her mother. You needed to go to her. What was she upset about?"

"She's been learning that everyone has a daddy. And she hoped you were her new daddy." I cringed as I looked up at him. I couldn't believe I just said that.

He smiled. "Maybe I will be."

I relaxed into his arms. "Maybe."

He turned us away from everyone and leaned down and kissed me. "I love you, Stephanie. You know I want to make this work."

"I know. I love you too."

.

But I also knew that I couldn't pretend anymore that Joe was never going to be a factor. Seeing him that morning brought home the point that he could take just one look at her and figure it out. I had always worked really hard to keep Mrs. Morelli from getting too close, but she had no idea Joe and I had ever even talked. Once Joe knew I had a child that was her age, he would have to at least wonder. I needed to go to him. The only problem was that I didn't know what I wanted from him.

.

.

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Thank you so much for reading. Please review! Please!

St. Joachim's is real. Father O'Riley is not.


	8. Chapter 7

A/N: Julie, you have made this such a wonderful experience. Thank you.

And a special note to Carol, Kim, and Julie - this is the first chapter from home! ;)

Thanks to all the readers and reviewers! Sorry for the wait.

.

* * *

**A Change In Me**

**Chapter Seven**

* * *

.

I put off the Joe problem for a few more weeks, mostly out of cowardice, but Sophia asked me again about finding her daddy one night as she was falling asleep. Knowing that my little girl was plagued with thoughts about her missing father was all the motivation I needed to find Joe.

I called his mother – for the first time in my life. She was less than pleasant, but I told her that I felt terribly guilty about what had happened with the car and wanted to send Joe an apology. She clearly didn't know me well enough to know how ridiculous that was and gave me his address.

I waited until I was off of work, since I didn't know how long this meeting was going to take. I also knew from his mother that he was working at a desk because of his still healing leg. I hoped that meant he would be home in the evenings.

I drove just outside the Burg to his apartment complex. I had considered these apartments when I had been looking. It was a nice area, and I briefly thought about Sophia playing in the large playground. Then I pictured Joe and I with her. The images reminded me of all those foolish fantasies I had had when I was pregnant. My heart flip-flopped as the reality of it actually happening sunk in.

Once I finally made it out of my car and into the building, a flood of guilt overtook me. What if Joe hated me for keeping her from him? How could I ever make it right if he was angry? And then I wondered why I wanted so desperately for him to not be mad. I was pretty sure his broken leg gave him enough reason to hate me already.

There was only one way I would find out. I closed my eyes and knocked on his door, making sure my face was visible through the peephole.

It took a few minutes, but then I heard him curse through the door. "What the hell do you want?"

"I need to talk to you."

"Talk."

I sighed.

"No, don't talk. Just leave." I could hear him moving away.

I knocked repeatedly. "Joe, please. I'm sorry about the … accident."

I heard him bark out a sarcastic laugh. "Accident?"

I waited for a moment. I was just about to knock again when he flung open the door. He was wearing his uniform still. He looked beyond attractive. He looked sinfully good. He had grown broader and had filled out since he had left for the Navy. His face was still movie star handsome, if not even more so. I guess I hadn't really looked at him before. I couldn't stop now.

He glared at me and lifted his crutch up, pointing it in my face. "This is not how I envisioned starting on the force."

"I'm sorry. Can I please come in?"

He balked at me. "Why would I let you in my home? You here to finish the job?"

I took a deep breath, and chose to ignore his comment. "I just need to talk to you for a few minutes. I promise that I will leave and never bother you again if that is what you want – after you hear me out."

He slowly lowered the crutch and gave me a calculating look. Finally, he hopped back from the door and gestured for me to enter with the crutch.

I quickly made my way into the small apartment. It looked masculine and somewhat sparsely decorated. "How long have you been here?"

"That's not what you're here for. Let's get this over with."

He slowly lowered himself onto his couch where I could see the second crutch resting. I stood awkwardly in the middle of the room. He crossed his arms and gave me an expectant look.

I sat down in the one chair across from him and said a small prayer. "You said that you knew I had 'been busy'. What exactly did you mean? What have you heard about me?"

He narrowed his eyes. "I didn't want Terry to say those things to you. I told her to grow up after you kicked us out. I was trying to apologize to you when you _accidentally _broke my leg."

"Thank you, by the way, for not pressing charges."

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "You were pretty distraught. I was worried and I …" He crossed his arms again and stayed silent.

"But what have you heard? You obviously meant something," I insisted.

His mouth barely moved into the hint of a smile. "Always so challenging," he murmured softly and then his smile vanished. "I heard you had a kid."

My eyes widened. He already knew! Maybe he didn't care. Maybe he really didn't want to even know if Sophia was his. "How?" I breathed.

"I took my grandmother to the store, and we ran into your mom. She told us that your sister was expecting." He frowned. "I congratulated her on becoming a grandmother, and then she said she already was. That you had a child."

My mother! I couldn't believe it. "And then?"

"And then I congratulated her again and walked away."

"You didn't – "

"I was angry when I found out, okay? I thought you were going to be …something." I winced at that. He didn't seem to notice. "Honestly, I thought you'd be gone. When I got back, I thought you'd be off in college somewhere, ready to take on the world. To find that freedom you wanted so badly."

I stared at him in disbelief. "You thought about me?"

He glared at me. "Yes. Unlike you, I thought we had been friends when I left. So yeah, I wondered what happened to my friend since I never heard from her. It's not like you couldn't have asked my mother for my mailing address."

"You made it pretty clear you didn't want to hear from me, Joe."

He gave me an exasperated look.

I continued, "I don't know which was more convincing, the way you froze up on me when I mentioned writing to you or the way you never once called me or saw me again. Or maybe it was your little love notes you left for me all over town. Do you even know how many times I have heard comments just like Terry's? And I won't even bother you with how some of the boys treated me."

He pressed his lips together. He looked upset about that. "Stephanie, I was … I was with my brothers. And I was drinking. It was the night – look, I saw you leave that party with that jerk. So don't act like I meant anything to you. You were practically taking his clothes off before you even got out the door."

"Well I got drunk too! And I did something so stupid that night. It took me a long time to forgive myself for that. But I got drunk so I could forget that I saw the boy I loved sticking his tongue down some slut's throat just four days after we had slept together."

He clenched his jaw. "You saw me?"

"Yes, it was … it was," I paused, unsure of how much more I wanted to reveal of my heart. "It was devastating."

He leaned forward as well as he could with his bad leg propped on the coffee table. "You loved me?" he asked softly.

I slowly brought my eyes up to his. "Yes. I did. I wouldn't have slept with you if I didn't."

He closed his eyes. "I don't know what to say, Stephanie. I should never have let her come with me to that party."

"It doesn't matter. It's in the past." I noticed that he didn't say he shouldn't have even been with her at all, just not brought her to where I could catch them. "And we're getting away from the reason I came here."

He looked up at me. "We are?"

"You said that you knew I had a child. You didn't ask how old?"

He watched me for a moment, reading me. "No, I didn't even consider it."

"She just turned four. On September 5th."

His face paled. "Four?"

"Yes."

He sat back. He seemed to be in shock. Then he looked at me with disgust. "You slept with that guy?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Yes, I did. And everyone thinks that _he_ is the father. Some nameless stranger that I let take advantage of me the first time I got drunk. And I will continue to let them think that," I paused and then said very clearly, "if that is what _you_ want."

His breathing was growing fast as he started to really hear what I was trying to tell him. "How can you even be sure who it belongs to?"

"She. She's a she. And some men actually use a condom." I took a few cleansing breaths. I didn't want this to turn into a fight. "And maybe I know because a blond-haired, blue-eyed stranger didn't give me a brown-eyed, dark-haired little girl."

He put his head in his hands. I waited patiently for him to make the next move. Finally, he looked up at me, a pained look on his face. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I decided to wait until you came back. If you came back."

"I've been back," he gritted out.

"Not really. You've been in Sea Girt."

"And before that?" he snapped, his face turning red.

"I was scared. And I …" I bit my lip. Suddenly, I felt like that girl again. Walking through the halls, a target for the vicious gossip of my classmates. Ashamed of what I had done, but unable to hide my growing belly. I shook my head of the painful memories. "I was so hurt. And it was easier to try to forget you – to believe the lie. At least that way I could pretend that I had just been stupid to get drunk, not that I had …" My throat closed up. I forced myself to look at him. "Not that I had fallen in love with someone who only wanted to use me."

Joe's angry expression faded slowly into a look of sadness. "I didn't want to use you. If you had just told me …" He clenched his fists, his anger returning rapidly. "How could you not tell me?"

"I'm sorry. I did what – "

"You did nothing! I had a right to know. How could you think I wouldn't want to know?" He struggled to sit up and then yelled in frustration, flinging a nearby pillow away from him.

"I did what I thought was best for me and for her."

"And what about me?" he bellowed, pounding his fist into his chest. He hoisted himself up on one crutch and I felt like he was towering over me even though he was still a couple feet away. "What about me, Stephanie? Do I not deserve to know my …" He took a deep breath, and I worried he was going to pass out. "My child. My … child. Mine." He hobbled over on one crutch to stand in front of me.

I looked up at him, letting the tears fall down my cheeks. "I'm sorry. I told myself it wouldn't change anything since you were gone anyway."

His whole face twisted in anger. "Oh, I see. It's my fault that I was gone? It's my fault that we didn't use … " He groaned in frustration, and as he twisted his body, the crutch fell down.

I jumped up to get the crutch. When I handed it to him, he grabbed my hand tightly. "I never planned on leaving you the way I did."

_I never planned on having your baby. I never planned on being an outcast my senior year in high school. I never planned on being a single mom before I even turned eighteen._

I didn't want to keep fighting. So I decided to just say, "And I never planned on keeping her from you forever."

He took several deep breaths through his nose. "For how long then?" he asked tiredly. He still had a firm grip on my hand.

"I don't know. I think I always knew I would tell you when you came back. I just didn't expect you to come back to … " I gave him a wry smile. "_There_ … and with your mean bitch of a girlfriend."

"She's not my girlfriend," he answered swiftly.

I blinked at him, unsure of what to say. My heart fluttered as I took in his close proximity. I could see a thin scar running through one brow that had not been there before. Tiny flecks of gold sparkled in his warm brown eyes that were still bright with anger. I almost forgot what he had said. Oh yeah. He wasn't dating Terry. Well, that's actually pretty good -

He suddenly pulled away and dropped my hand, distracting me from whatever feelings were bubbling up inside of me. "I've been around for several months. I know you had to have known that."

I frowned at him as I sat back in my chair. "I can't undo it, Joe. You can't go back and undo the things you did. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but I am here now. And to answer one of your questions – no, I didn't know that you would definitely want to be in our lives. I still don't know. Joe, you hurt me more than I can even say. As far as I knew, you wanted nothing to do with me, and so … I just didn't tell you."

He made his way back to the couch and slowly sat back down. Rubbing his temples, he sighed loudly. "You … I … " He closed his eyes again. "We have a daughter?"

I felt another tear slide down my cheek. "Yes. Her name is Sophia Grace."

He half-smiled at that. "That's really pretty."

"She's so beautiful, Joe. She's amazing."

He nodded, looking a little shell-shocked. "Do you have a picture?"

I smiled as a few more tears slid down my cheeks. "I brought a small album for you. It has some of my favorite pictures of her. I ... I thought maybe you'd want to see it."

I reached into my purse and leaned forward to hand it to him.

"Bring it over, so you can tell me about them."

"All right." I walked around his coffee table and picked up the pillow from the floor. "Is that why they're called throw pillows?" I smiled, trying to relieve the tension.

He chuckled and reached up to take it. "I'm still angry. But let's just move past that for now."

"Fair enough." I sat next to him, and I told myself to relax. He was only my first love and the father of my child. That's all. "Here, this is from just a few weeks ago." I opened it to the first page.

Joe gasped as he looked at her. She was wearing a purple bathing suit with her pink tutu. She had been playing ballerina in the backyard. She was striking what she considered a ballet pose, her arms lifted above her head in a half-circle, one foot pointed forward. Her hair was up in a bun, but there were long curls that had come loose hanging around her face. He traced her face with his long finger. He smiled as he took her in. "She's perfect."

"I think so."

"She looks so much like you. I can see why no one questioned you. But … she has my eyes." He looked at me proudly.

"And your hair color. And she makes some of your gestures. And when she really likes something she has your special smile." I stopped and looked down at my lap. That had been his smile for me. Had he really cared? Then I thought about Dickie. "I met someone," I blurted out.

He stiffened next to me. "That's great, Stephanie. I'm glad you have someone."

I gave him a weak smile, nodding quickly.

He cleared his throat. "What else?"

"She loves puzzles. I think she gets that from you. And she has a dimple in her right cheek like yours."

He grinned, revealing the exact dimple. Then he flipped the page. It was of me holding Sophia in the hospital. His mouth turned down as he gazed at the picture. "You're so young. You had to be terrified."

"I was. I still am sometimes, but it's better than it was. That day wasn't so bad – other than the labor. I was so happy to meet her."

"Did you know she was a girl?"

"No. I wanted the surprise."

"She's so tiny. So fragile. I would have been terrified to hold her." He frowned again. "I should have been here."

"No. Joe, you did what you were supposed to do. Even if you knew, I would never have wanted you to stay for us. You needed to leave. And you were already committed to the Navy. You still would have been gone all this time."

"I could have come back here on my leave. I could have been excused to be there when she was born. I don't know." He shook his head. "I would have …" He shifted towards me and grasped my hand. "I would have been here for you." And then so softly, I almost didn't hear it. "I wish I had been here for you."

I pulled my hand from his and stood up. "You can keep that. It's for you. And you know my parents' number. We still live with them, but I'm hoping we will be moving out soon. And then there's Dickie. He wants to get married. And I think Sophia likes him. I don't know what we will do for sure. Maybe we will wait to move in with him. But I want you to meet her, if you want, of course," I rambled as I grabbed my purse. "I really should go now. Please do come over. Or maybe it would be easier if I brought her to you? I can do that. It's the least I can do since I injured you. Please don't tell her that. She's been really upset about not knowing you so don't be afraid to meet her. She cries for you. And it kills me. Anyway, I'm going." I smiled at him without really seeing him and quickly fled his apartment.

I was halfway down the hall when I heard him call for me. "Stephanie, wait!"

I was so tempted to keep running, but I didn't think that would help our situation. I slowly turned to face him and saw him making his way towards me as quickly as his crutches would allow. He stopped right in front of me.

"Stephanie, I want to see her. I definitely want to see her." He shook his head. "It's a lot to take in, but I want to know her. I … I … I don't want to confuse her. You said that she …" He looked guilty. "She cries for me?"

I immediately felt my eyes water again. It hurt to just think about my sad little girl, missing her daddy so much. And I didn't think I would ever forget her crying out that she wanted him. "Yes. She's just become aware that everyone else has a daddy. I told her that I was looking for someone to be her daddy. She just met Dickie –"

"He's your boyfriend?"

"Yes. And it's getting serious. He wants to adopt her."

"Adopt her?" he asked angrily. "What about me?"

"Joe, we're not even engaged yet. But … I think that we will be soon. And I told you that this is up to you. You can be as much a part of her life as you want. She can call you Daddy or she can call you Joe. You can just be another friend of mine. But when I marry Dickie …" Wow. I think that's the first time I really embraced that. "He will be a huge part of her life. She will know him as a father. And that's okay. Because she can have you both. If you want."

His eyes displayed a myriad of feelings: hurt, regret, happiness, love. "I want … what is best for her."

"Then you're already being her father."

He blinked his eyes, and I thought I could see a glimmer of a tear. "You always make things sound so easy."

"Because things are easy, it's people who aren't."

He laughed nervously. "When can I meet her?"

"I haven't told anyone about you, Joe. Not even Dickie." I frowned about that. I wasn't looking forward to that conversation. I knew Dickie liked that he would be the only man in her life. He probably wouldn't be happy about Joe being in the picture. "I can bring her by tomorrow?"

"Are you telling them tonight? I can come with you," he offered.

I stared at him for a moment. "I don't think that would be a good idea. I can't tell them with her in the house. And," I hesitated, not wanting to anger him. "And I am going to wait until you meet her and decide for sure if this is what you want. I will be telling her that you're my friend first."

He nodded curtly. "I guess I can understand that. I know that I want to be in her life, Stephanie."

"You might feel differently when the reality is in front of you."

"No. I won't."

"Fine. I'll bring her tomorrow. We can bring some food, too. Is six okay?"

"Yes. I'll be here." He looked a little lost. "It's still kind of shocking."

"I know. Well, we'll see you tomorrow."

.

**OoOoO**

.

That night, I wanted so badly to talk to someone. I decided to call Dickie, figuring that I may as well get it over with. I waited until everyone was in bed. I knew Dickie would probably be asleep, but I needed him.

"Stephanie?" he answered. He had caller id on his phones.

"I need to talk to you about something important."

"Steph, it's late and shouldn't we do this in person if it's important?"

"I need you right now," I said softly.

I could hear him moving around in his bed. "Why don't you come over then? You can leave Sophia for the night. Just leave a note for your parents."

I considered it, but I didn't want to scare Sophia. And I didn't actually want to have this conversation in person. "I just need to tell you something. And I need to know you still love me."

He grunted into the phone. I pictured him sitting up completely. "Okay, you have my attention. What's going on? … Did you cheat on me?"

I stared at the phone in wonder. Why would he even think that? "No! I … I would never do that, Dickie. I think it's inexcusable."

He sighed. "What is it, then?"

"I know who Sophia's father is. I lied to everyone because he has been gone. But he's back and I think he needs to meet her."

"No. Absolutely not, Stephanie. You can't let some loser who left you pregnant into her life."

I sighed. "He's not some loser. He didn't even know."

He was eerily silent for a minute, and I almost said his name when suddenly he snapped at me. "He _didn't_ know? You mean he knows now?" he almost shouted into the phone. "Why didn't you tell me this sooner? You should have told me first!"

"I'm sorry." I bit my lip. "I had planned on never telling him." I don't even know if this was true anymore, I'd been having such mixed emotions about Joe since I hit him with the car.

"And what? Because a four-year-old throws a fit you make a stupid choice like this?"

I gasped at that. "She didn't throw a fit. She's devastated that she doesn't have a father."

"And you know that she will!"

"I shouldn't have called you. I'm sorry. We can talk about this tomorrow." Then I remembered my plans with Joe. "Or maybe in a few days when you cool down."

He was silent.

"Dickie?"

"I'm coming over right now to talk to you."

"What? No –"

He hung up.

I put my head on the kitchen table and cried. This was not what I wanted. But Dickie was the man who loved me and wanted to provide a home for Sophia and me. He wanted to make a family with me. He was almost definitely going to be my husband, and years of being told how important it was to honor your husband would not be forgotten in one argument.

I went out on the porch to wait for Dickie to arrive. He pulled up quietly in front of the house and then gestured for me to come out to him. I sat in the car, bracing myself for his anger. Instead he grabbed me and kissed me, hard. I pulled back and stared at him in surprise.

"You're mine, Stephanie. I don't want some idiot to come in and try to take you from me."

"He can't. I don't want him anymore. Dickie, I never told him because he really hurt me before he left. And I was so young and stupid about it. I stayed in denial for practically two months. I call her my bug because I had told everyone repeatedly that I had a flu bug. By the time I accepted that I was pregnant, I didn't even want to contact him."

He smiled at that and stroked my cheek. "I didn't want to do this like this, but …" He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small velvet box.

I put a hand to my mouth. I couldn't believe this was happening.

"Stephanie, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" He opened the box, revealing a large, princess-cut diamond.

I laughed through my hand and nodded my head. "Yes," I sighed. "Yes, I will."

He placed the ring on my finger and then pulled me into another kiss. "Can I take my fiancée home and make love to her now?"

I smiled. "Yes. Just let me leave a note." I ran into the house and left a note on the fridge that I was with Dickie and that I would be home before work.

.

Once we made it back to his house, Dickie practically attacked me in the foyer. He lifted me up and carried me to the couch in the front room. He was far more aggressive than he had been in our night together or our few stolen moments together the last couple of nights. I had even visited him on my lunch break the day before, but as hot as it was to do it in his office, he hadn't been like this.

I kept staring at my ring, admiring it in the moonlight. It wasn't the cut I had envisioned, but it was twice the size I ever would have picked. Dickie laughed every time he caught me looking at it.

"It looks good on you," he murmured against my neck. Pulling me into his chest more tightly. We had finally made it to the bed. And I was enjoying being pressed up against him, warm in his embrace, our skin touching everywhere. Dickie kept his house very cool, which I loved, so we could still wrap up in blankets even in August. "And I look good in you."

He pushed against me again, poking me in my behind.

"Hey, Mr. Orr. Only my husband gets to try that door."

"Really?" he asked excitedly.

"Maybe." I blushed.

"Let's get married tomorrow."

I laughed. "We need to sleep. We have to work tomorrow."

"One more time. And you can call in sick. I would if I didn't have a big meeting tomorrow – today."

"Exactly. And I can't just call in sick."

"What if you were actually sick?"

"Fine. Have your way with me," I said dramatically.

"Thank you, future Mrs. Orr." He quickly thrust himself into me, causing the reply to my new name to catch in my throat.

.

A few hours later, Dickie woke me up with a kiss before he left for work. He pointed to a set of keys next to me on the nightstand.

"These are yours. I called your mother and told her you were sleeping still. I even talked to Sophia. I told her that I would give you a kiss from her, and that you would give her a kiss from me when you came home."

I smiled at him. "Did that work?"

He chuckled. "Yes, actually, it did. And I called the hospital to tell them you were sick."

My eyes widened. "You did?"

"Yes. I told them that I was your fiancé and that you were not feeling well."

"Oh my God, Dickie! I am going to be completely mauled tomorrow when I go in."

He kissed me once more. "From Sophia. I'll talk to you later. I have a late night tonight, but I want to see you again."

I stretched delightfully underneath the covers. "I'll call you later. Love you."

"Love you, too."

.

**OoOoO**

.

The moment I entered the house, my mother came storming into the front room. "Let me see it!"

I blinked at her. "What?"

"Your ring! Oh, I knew he was the one for you!" She pulled at my hand and frowned when she found my naked finger. I had put the ring in my purse, thinking we would tell my family together. "Where is it?"

I tried to smile through my frustration. I didn't even get to tell my mom I was engaged. I opened my purse and pulled it out. She quickly grabbed it and started twisting it in the sunlight.

"Wow! This is bigger than Valerie's diamond."

I couldn't help but smile at that. "Is it? I didn't realize."

She handed it back. "Put it on, I want to see it on you."

I rolled my eyes at her, but I put it on and held out my hand.

"Oh, Stephanie! I'm so happy for you. Your father was happy too." She wiped a tear from her cheek.

I dropped my hand and my jaw. "Dad knows too?"

"Don't be upset. Dickie was just so excited that he couldn't keep it to himself. But Sophia doesn't know. You can tell her now. She's upstairs playing.

.

I huffed in frustration, but then quickly made my way up the stairs, excited to at least tell Sophia. I stood in the door for a moment, watching her play with her dolls.

"Lady, you're the queen of the fairies," she said to her stuffed ladybug. "And you're the king, Teddy." She held the stuffed bear up. "Now dance."

I bit my fist as she shook them all around, making them look like they were having seizures more than dancing.

"Lady and Teddy are your mommy and daddy." She faced them to all her dolls and other stuffed animals that she had lined up on her bed. "Aren't they pretty?"

I sighed, and she turned around. "Mommy!" She flung the king and queen behind her and came running to me, jumping up into my arms. "I missed you so much, Mommy. I was such a good girl for Grammy. And she said you had something to tell me."

I kissed her cheek and carried her over to my bed. "I missed you too, bug. Mommy does have something really special to tell you."

She hugged me tight. "Is it a surprise?"

"No. Not really. It's just some news. And it's really good news."

"Okay," she gave me a toothy smile.

"You know Mommy's special friend, Dickie?" She nodded happily. "Well, Dickie asked Mommy to marry him. And that means I'm going to be his wife, and he will be my husband. Like Grammy and Grampy, and Nana and Papa, and Uncle Steven and Auntie Val." I smiled brightly at her.

She twisted her mouth in thought. "What will I be?"

"You will be _our _daughter. And you will be with me. Always. We will be a family."

She smiled really big. "We can get a puppy!"

"That's right. But not until after the wedding. You remember Mommy's cousin had a wedding? And we went to Mass, and we went to a party, and we had cake!"

She squealed in excitement. "I love cake!"

"Well, we will have lots of cake at the wedding."

"Yay!" She bounced up and down on my lap.

I was really surprised she hadn't asked about Dickie being her daddy. I thought about her little play with her stuffed animals. "So I heard that Lady and Teddy are the queen and king?"

"Oh yes! And they're the mommy and daddy too!"

"They are? Are the rest of your dolls happy to have a mommy and a daddy?"

She smiled at her dolls like they could see her. "They're so happy, Mommy. They told me."

"That's nice, bug."

"But Teddy has to hide," she said dejectedly. "They can't see him no more." She climbed down from my lap and picked up the stuffed bear. She put him in the closet.

"Why does he have to hide?" I thought she understood my marriage explanation!

"Because daddies sometimes hide." She looked at me with sad eyes.

I knelt down next to her. "Sophia? You remember when Mommy said that she would look for a new daddy for you?"

She turned to me, her eyes wide. "Did you find one?"

"Yes, bug. Dickie is going to be your new daddy when we get married." I smiled encouragingly at her and stroked her soft cheek.

"No he's not! You said he wasn't my daddy."

Damn. She's so literal. "I know. But he can be like a daddy to you. When we get married, he will be something called a stepfather. Or stepdaddy. So, you see, he will be a daddy to you."

She frowned back at me in confusion. "Where's the daddy who put me in you? Auntie Val said Uncle Steve put the baby in her. And that's why he's the daddy. She said Grampy put you in Grammy."

I was going to kill my sister. "Some daddies put babies in the mommies. Sometimes we find daddies. And aren't you excited that we found Dickie?"

She lowered her eyebrows and twisted her mouth again. She looked so much like Joe in that moment. It reminded me that we were meeting him for dinner. "Uh-huh," she said softly.

.

.

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* * *

Thank you for reading. I know there were some things in this chapter that you probably didn't like. Tell me all about it in a review!


	9. Chapter 8

A/N: Julie, thank you so much for all your guidance and support.

Thanks to lemonlis, who I can't PM. :)

I am so thrilled with the response to this story. I only hope you all continue to enjoy where it goes. Thank you!

And now, for the next big scene you are all waiting for!

.

* * *

**A Change In Me**

**Chapter Eight**

* * *

.

Somehow I didn't think Sophia was quite pleased with the whole stepdaddy explanation, but I wasn't about to tell her who Joe was until he had made a firm decision about his role in her life. So I had quickly changed the subject and kept her distracted the rest of the afternoon. I also had decided not to tell her we were visiting another friend for dinner. If I had, all she would have done was ask questions about him. And that was not something I wanted to discuss in front of anyone.

I told Mom that I was taking Sophia out to enjoy having so much free time with her and that we wouldn't be back until later. We left early enough to go to the park before grabbing dinner to take to Joe. I was getting really nervous about this meeting, and a very small voice in my head wondered if it would have been easier without the rock now residing on my hand. Once Sophia had noticed it, she demanded that Dickie get her one too. I explained to her what it was and that one day she would get one from whomever she married. It was not really what she wanted to hear, but then I informed her we were meeting another new friend. Thankfully, that completely distracted her and the next twenty minutes were spent with me coming up with creative ways to answer her innocent questions about Joe.

We stood at Joe's door for several minutes. My heart was racing, and I told myself to calm down. I was worried that Joe would freak out once he met his daughter, and I was worried that he wouldn't. For as long as she could, Sophia patiently waited for me to do something. Then she started squirming around, pulling at my hand. I told her she could knock.

The door opened almost instantly, and I realized Joe had been waiting at the door for us. There was no way he had made it that fast on his crutches. It made me smile. He was probably more nervous than I was.

He stood perfectly still, transfixed on Sophia. He had his soft smile, but it was different. There was something more special in his eyes than I had ever seen. It was the smile of a new father.

"Hi, Sophia," he said quietly. "Stephanie."

He looked up at me briefly, his eyes shining with the wonder of seeing what we had created. I held his gaze, mirroring his happiness back to him. And then his eyes returned to our daughter. Wow.

"Hi," she said shyly. She stepped back into my legs and grabbed my hand again.

He watched her for a moment, and then seemed to remember we were standing in the hall. "Come in. I have the table all ready for dinner. But I didn't know what you would want to drink. I have milk and juice." He looked at me for support.

"Milk will be great. We brought subs from Pino's."

He smiled at me. "My favorite." He hopped back from the door to let us in.

Sophia stuck close to me as I nudged her into the apartment. She looked up at me with wide brown eyes and my breath caught when I looked up to see those same eyes looking at me with concern. I smiled at both of them, the whole time trying to absorb the reality in front of me. It had been so rare that I had ever let myself see the similarities between them. But standing a few feet apart, it was hard to deny it. Sophia favored me for sure, but she did look like Joe too. And they both were watching me closely; the same expectant look on their faces.

"Sophia, Joe is my friend from when I was in high school. We grew up together."

She turned to look at him, her head cocked to one side. He smiled at her, and she blushed. Well, it seemed being related didn't dampen the effect of the Morelli charm.

"Did you know my mommy when she was little?" she asked.

His sweet smile spread across his face in amusement. "I sure did. We even played together a few times."

"What'd you play?"

I quickly stepped in. "We played hide and seek." I gave him a glare, and he smirked.

Sophia giggled. "I love hide and seek. Mommy plays with me, too!"

Joe's whole face lit up when she laughed, and I knew it wouldn't be long before he was ready to tell her.

Sophia seemed curious about Joe, but cautious. I wanted to give her a moment with him so I nodded towards his living room as I met his eyes once again. "Why don't you ask Sophia about those pictures while I get everything set up?"

He looked torn between excitement and terror. "Okay," he replied.

Sophia stopped short as I turned away from her. "Go on, bug. You can sit with Joe for a few minutes."

She swung her head back and forth between us, but she stayed put. Joe looked wounded at her rejection.

"It's okay," he volunteered. "Maybe she wants to help."

"No," I said firmly. "Sophia, I am asking you to be a good friend and keep Joe company for me while I fix our plates. Can you help be a good hostess?" A-ha! That should work. I think it's the first time I was glad she was so much like Mom.

Her eyes widened. "Oh yes, Mommy. I love being hose-tist!" She suddenly turned back to Joe and led him over to the couch.

I tried my best to listen to them as I put the food out on the table. Joe really did have everything ready to go. We didn't actually need for me to do this alone, but I had wanted to give them a moment together.

Joe had opened the photo album up for her, and she was delighted to see pictures of herself, and naïve enough to not wonder why he would have them. She happily told Joe all about each photo – well, as much as she could. Sometimes it simply was her telling him that it was a picture of her. His eyes never moved from observing her the entire time. I had a feeling that he had already memorized each snapshot within the album. He looked like he was now trying to memorize the real thing. Once they were done with the album, Sophia turned to look at Joe more closely.

"What happened to your leg?"

He caught my eye and smiled. "I had an accident."

"Oh no! Did your mommy kiss it better?"

He laughed. "No, I forgot to ask her. You think I should?"

She nodded her head vigorously. "Oh yes! My mommy always kisses my owies better. Sometimes my grammy does it when Mommy is at work, but Mommy has the best kisses." She looked over at me and caught me watching them. "Mommy! Come and give Joe kisses for his owie!"

I walked the short distance to the living room area. "I think we better eat before our subs get cold."

Joe smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. He looked a little disappointed. I held my hand out to Sophia, and I noticed Joe's eyes grow cold as they landed on my ring.

"Is that …" he started. He looked up at me with tight lips.

I clutched my hand to my chest, like I was going to hide it or something. "Oh. Yeah. He asked me last night."

Sophia watched us curiously. She turned to Joe. "Mommy's 'gaged!"

He nodded slowly. "I see that." He gave her a smile. And then started to crutch past us to the table.

Once we were seated I hoped desperately that we could change the subject, but no. Sophia was understandably happy about the upcoming wedding and wanted to talk about it.

"Mommy said I get to have cake at the we-… we- …." She frowned. "The party. And then I can get a puppy since we will move out of Grammy and Grampy's."

"A puppy?" Joe asked with some effort at enthusiasm.

I answered, "Sophia has wanted a puppy for a long time, but Dad absolutely will not agree to it. So we will just have to wait a little longer."

He blinked. "A little? Have you already set a date?"

"Well, no. He just asked last night."

"I guess you did think it was going to be soon," he said quietly.

Sophia swallowed her bite of sandwich and wiped her mouth delicately with her napkin, just like Mom had taught her. "And Dickie will be my new daddy!"

Oh God. I looked at Joe in time to see him drop his face towards his lap. But I could still see the flush of anger, or maybe it was hurt, spreading down his throat.

Sophia was completely clueless to the dagger she had just thrown at her new friend. She continued, "He's so nice and he gives me special gifts. And he always kisses my cheek and holds my hand when I ask him to."

I was aching inside for Joe. He finally looked up at Sophia, his face schooled into a mask of calm. "That's really nice, Sophia."

"Uh-huh." She took a long drink of her milk, and I quickly reached over to help her with the cup so she wouldn't spill it.

Joe wouldn't look at me, but I think he could tell that I was watching him. I should have changed the subject, but my silence opened the door again for Sophia.

"Do you have a daddy, Joe?"

He smiled at her, but it was clearly forced. "No. He's …not here."

She immediately jumped up from her seat and went to him. We both were surprised, but not as much as when she proceeded to climb up on his lap. She hugged him, and I almost cried as I watched him embrace her for the first time. His arms wrapped loosely around her slight frame, as if he was afraid to hurt her. But then she pulled him more tightly to her and laid her head against his shoulder. Slowly, he enfolded her close to his chest. Struggling to hold back some tears, he closed his eyes and inhaled her scent. All too quickly she pulled back, but then she placed her little hands on his cheeks.

She stroked his cheek like I always did to her. Joe gasped quietly while Sophia smiled at him. "It's okay. My old daddy's gone too. Maybe you'll get a new daddy."

He nodded, swallowing back his emotions. He gave her a tight smile. "Your old daddy?"

"He put me in my mommy," she explained. Her little shoulders slumped as she sighed. "I miss him."

He gasped again. "You do?"

She dropped her chin down to her chest. "He doesn't want me."

What! Where did she get that?

Joe looked over her head at me, anger radiating from his whole body. He pulled her close to him and hugged her. He kept his eyes on me as he leaned down and whispered in her ear. "He loves you, Sophia. He loved you the moment he saw you."

She nodded her head against his chest. Then she jerked back again, almost knocking into his chin. "I didn't see him," she whined, close to tears.

"Yes, you did," he answered firmly.

He looked back up at me, and I knew he was going to tell her. And somehow, I couldn't bring myself to stop him. I knew there would be a serious confrontation with Dickie. But nothing mattered outside of that moment. I gave him a small nod and held my breath in anticipation. Joe somehow both relaxed and tensed up before he shifted his attention back to Sophia.

He smiled at her that wonderfully soft and goofy smile that he had greeted her with at his door. "Sophia?" He waited for her to look at him. "I'm your daddy, baby. I'm here. And I'm never going to leave you again."

She sobbed so loudly I almost jumped from my seat to get her. But she was clinging to Joe and crying into his shirt, and he was holding her tight and rubbing her back soothingly. I sat back down and let them be. He kissed her head repeatedly and kept murmuring how much he loved her into her ear.

Sophia pulled back from him again and wiped her cheeks. "You're my old daddy?"

He laughed through his tears and kissed her forehead. "I'm your only daddy."

He glanced over at me, but he was clearly not seeking my permission any longer. And he didn't need to. As happy as I was to see them finally together, it only made me realize how wrong I had been to keep them apart.

Joe stroked his fingers through her curls, his face beaming. "I have always been your daddy, Sophia, and I am so sorry I wasn't here."

She lunged at him again and hugged him tightly. "It's okay."

"I love you," he murmured into her hair.

"I love you too, Daddy."

Any hope of holding back my tears vanished as soon as I heard her sweet little voice declare her feelings for Joe. And to hear her call him 'daddy' was both heartwarming and overwhelming. I wasn't alone anymore. Sophia had two parents. I didn't know what to think about that.

Joe and Sophia continued to whisper quietly to each other, but mostly they just took each other in. Sophia reached up and touched Joe's face softly. Her little fingers slowly traced along his forehead and over his eyebrows, pausing at the scar. I thought she would ask about it, but she only studied it and then moved on. Joe's eyes were shining with love as he let her continue with her silent exploration. When she finally made it to his mouth, he opened his lips and playfully bit her fingers. She giggled loudly, and we both joined in.

"Shhh, Mommy, I'm memoring," she admonished me seriously.

Joe and I shared an amused grin before he turned his face back to her. Sophia then reached up and touched his hair.

"I got dark hair too," she said happily.

Joe wrapped one of her curls around his finger and held it up. "You know what?"

"What?"

"You have the perfect mix of my dark hair and your mommy's curls."

"You got curls too. They're baby curls."

He bit his lip. "I guess I do, but I think your curls are just as pretty as your mommy's curls."

She giggled again. "Everyone says that."

"Well, they're right." Joe shifted her on his lap and faced me. "I think we should take some pictures."

"I don't have a camera," I responded, disappointed that I hadn't thought of that.

"I've got one," he said excitedly. He started to sit Sophia back down, but then hesitated before kissing her cheek and standing up with her.

I took several pictures of the two of them together, and Joe insisted that I join them for a few since the camera had a timer on it. He sat it on top of his television while Sophia and I waited on the couch. It was the first time he had let go of her since she had climbed up on his lap at the table. As soon as he sat back down, she clamored up onto his lap again.

Joe wrapped his arm around me and pulled me closer to him. "Come on, Steph. We want to make sure no one is cut out."

"Okay." I smiled at him and scooted a little closer to them. There was a little voice in my head trying to be heard, wanting to explore what it meant to be so close to him. But I squashed it down and focused on how happy my little girl was at having her daddy. "Cheese," I sang out.

"Cheese!" Sophia squealed in delight as we waited for the camera.

.

Over an hour past her bedtime, I was finally able to tear the two of them apart. It took several promises - to both of them - that they would see each other the next day and would talk on the phone. I was beyond grateful that Sophia fell asleep in the car on the way home. I had called before we left Joe's and told Mom and Dad that I had something very important to discuss with them. It wasn't until I pulled up and saw Dickie's car sitting in the street that I remembered that I had never called him today. What a great start to our engagement!

Carefully carrying Sophia into the house, I immediately shushed everyone so I could put her to bed. I was kissing her forehead when I felt more than heard someone behind me. Dickie was standing in the door. He smiled at me and came over and kissed me briefly on the lips.

He whispered, "You owe me an explanation."

I nodded. "I know. Let's go downstairs. I owe all of you an explanation."

I pulled him into the hall, and he stopped me once again. He kissed me more passionately, and I relaxed into his embrace. I hoped he would continue to feel as amorous once he knew where I had been.

We made our way downstairs to find my parents sitting at the dining table. Mom had a cake and coffee set out. Of course.

"Thanks, Mom. It looks really nice."

She looked at me in surprise. "You're welcome?" She shook her head and sat down.

Dickie and I sat together, which was not exactly where I wanted to be. I would rather he was across from me so I could read his expressions more easily.

Dad lifted his brows at me. That was his way of telling me that I was wasting time. There was, after all, cake on the table.

"So, I … uh … There's something that I need to tell you. Well, Dickie knows part of it."

Dickie smiled a little smugly, but his grip on my thigh tightened slightly.

I looked over at Mom and took a deep breath. "You see, the truth is that I know who Sophia's father is."

My mother gasped loudly and my father continued to stare at me in silence. He shook his head.

"I didn't tell you because I never told him. And I didn't want him to know because… we didn't exactly part as friends, but he's come back and …"

Dad slapped the table. "And you hit him with my car?"

Holy shit! How did he know?

"You did what?" Dickie demanded of me. "Why didn't you tell me, Stephanie? I could have helped you get out of a lawsuit."

I huffed. "I didn't tell you because Joe isn't pressing charges. It's fine."

"Joe?" Mom asked, her eyes mostly white instead of blue. "Joseph Morelli? You slept with that boy after I warned you about him?" She shook her head. "Why won't you ever listen to me, Stephanie?"

Dad crossed his arms. "Did he even write that stuff about you?"

Dickie turned to me, a disbelieving smirk twisting his face. "This was the boy Mary Lou talked about. The one who made your life hell."

I bit my lip as I looked down at my lap. I didn't know what to say. "Yes, he wrote those things about me." For the strangest reason, I actually didn't feel good about admitting that. I almost felt like I needed to protect Joe, especially from Dickie.

Mom gasped again. "And that's the kind of boy you chose to give your precious gift to? One who uses you and abuses you?" She shook her head again. "And now we will have to deal with his whole family." She stood up and crossed to the hutch to grab the hidden bottle of alcohol. I watched her fill her coffee cup and drain it. Wow.

Dickie was practically cutting off the circulation in my leg. "We won't have to deal with anyone," he said authoritatively. "Stephanie is not going to let this get to that point. And I will be adopting Sophia. He will have no rights – he _has_ no rights. His family, the …"

"Morellis," my mother supplied, already looking relieved at Dickie's declaration.

"The Morellis will have no reason to be a part of Sophia's life. She will be my daughter and my family will be her extended family. Eventually, she won't even remember not being my daughter."

I pried his hand from my leg. I could never do that to Joe. And now, it wasn't an option. I would lose that leg before I hurt Sophia by taking Joe away from her. She was completely captivated by him. I could barely get her to leave his lap after his big reveal. And he wasn't too keen on letting her go either. He even said that we could stay over. It was next to impossible to get her out the door. And she had cried for him in the car until she fell asleep.

"I already told him," I blurted out, regaining their attention.

"Well, you already know that was a mistake. But he still doesn't have any legal rights, Stephanie," Dickie said to me condescendingly.

I caught my dad's expression before he saw me watching. He looked pissed at Dickie. Then he masked his face. "Is there anything else, Stephanie?"

"I let him meet her tonight." I kept my chin up, even though every cell in my body was screaming to run and hide. "She knows who he is and she is completely in love with him as he is with her. I will not take that from either one of them."

Mom poured another drink. And Dad sat back, a hint of approval on his face. Dickie removed his hand from under the table and then draped his arm over my shoulder.

Everyone remained silent.

Finally, Dickie sat forward. "Obviously, Stephanie and I will have a lot to discuss, but I think we should be celebrating. We are engaged after all. And I, for one, don't want to let some mistake from Stephanie's past ruin my happiness."

I flinched when he said mistake. Because no matter what had happened between Joe and me, Sophia happened and she would never be a mistake.

Mom clapped her hands together and immediately jumped up to cut the cake. I decided to let the drama go for the night and enjoy having something to make my parents proud.

.

**OoOoO**

.

The next morning, Sophia immediately asked to see her daddy. I told her we would call him later and that he was at work. Since she had never known a life without me working, she seemed to accept this pretty quickly. She told Mom all about him during breakfast, thankfully not noticing the glares I was receiving. I couldn't help but giggle at her description of him. She said he was the tallest man she ever saw and was "more pretty" than Prince Charming. She also went on and on about how their eyes matched. She loved that she had his eyes and hair color, which I loved since she had complained before about not having my blue eyes. I kissed her head and then left quickly for work, before Mom could lecture me about how disappointed she was.

I had almost forgotten that my co-workers were already informed of my engagement, but I remembered as I drove into town, my ring catching the light. It really was spectacular, even if it wasn't exactly what I would have picked. And I knew that Dickie and I would still be having a serious discussion.

I also knew that Joe wanted to see Sophia again as soon as possible. His hours were fairly regular while he was still recovering from his broken leg. He wanted to take advantage of that while he could. I thought that maybe I could take Sophia to his apartment and then meet Dickie down the street for coffee and our talk. I wasn't quite ready to leave her with Joe, and he probably wasn't ready to be alone with her either. Add to that, Dickie would probably be livid if I was already letting Joe take her. I could already tell that my life had just become infinitely more complicated.

.

I was still deep in thought when I entered the hospital and ran into my long-time nemesis, Joyce Barnhardt. She didn't appear to be injured – oh well.

"Oh, excuse you," she said rudely while refusing to step aside.

I chose to ignore her and walked around her.

"I said excuse you!"

I rolled my eyes but decided to keep walking.

She latched onto my arm and whipped me around. "Who do you think you are? You think you're too good to speak to me? We all know you're just a little slut who got herself in trouble. Everyone thinks you've done such a wonderful thing just because you haven't popped out three more brats, but I know better. It's just a matter of time before you –"

I had been pulling my arm from her, doing my best to not retaliate and lose my new job, when her hand slipped to mine and snagged against the giant diamond now residing on my finger.

She gasped in pain and then snatched my hand to look at the ring. "What the fuck?"

I yanked my hand back and crossed my arms. "It's called an engagement ring. It's what happens when you meet a man who loves and respects you and actually wants to do more than use you for sex."

Her eyes flared. "I don't believe it. That's not even real."

"Fine. Suit yourself."

"Who would want to marry you? Is it the dumb-ass that left you pregnant?"

I so badly wanted to defend Joe, but she didn't know about him. And it was only going to be a matter of time before the Burg exploded with the news of Sophia's father. I smiled smugly at her. "No, he and I have a good relationship co-parenting our daughter, but we are not romantically involved anymore." There, smoke that in your pipe, bitch.

Her eyes flashed with curiosity, but she knew better than to ask me.

I continued, holding up my beautiful ring, staring at it lovingly. "My fiancé is a lawyer for Kreiner and Kreiner. He's only been in town for about a year so you probably wouldn't know him." I flashed her a brilliant smile, and noticed that she looked like she was in shock.

Her eyes met mine, and then she huffed as she crossed her arms, shifting her wide hips to the right. "I didn't realize you had lost your mind. Maybe I should leave you alone. I do have some standards and making fun of the mentally ill is even too far for me."

"You're right. I'm crazy, Joyce. I don't even work here. I just dress up like a nurse for fun." And with that I left her behind, hopefully fuming over how little she affected me.

I guess running into Joyce reminded me of what I had to be thankful for. Sophia was happy and healthy. She was going to have two doting fathers. I was getting married to an amazing man who would always take care of us. With that in mind, I entered my station with a huge smile on my face and was quickly accosted by Anna and several other nurses who wanted to hear all about my engagement.

.

Dickie was sitting in his car, waiting for me when I returned home. I took a few deep breaths before getting out of my car. We had talked briefly at lunch, but we were saving the real discussion for tonight.

I noticed him stepping from his car as I came around the back of mine. I gave him a weak smile, unsure of what kind of mood he was in.

"Come here," he said seriously. He leaned against the hood of his car and opened his arms.

"I thought we were going to have a fight," I said cautiously as I walked towards him, stopping a few feet away.

He chuckled and then leaned forward, pulling me into him. He hugged me close and kissed my neck. "I've decided fighting is a waste of our time."

"You have?"

"And I've decided that I should have handled things a little better last night."

"Really?" I shifted back and gave him a curious look. "Who are you?"

He stroked his hands through my hair, pulling it loose from the ponytail I had put it in for work. "I'm your fiancé, and I love you."

"Where were _you_ last night?"

"Hmm." He kissed my lips softly. "You were choosing that man over us, and I … I'm afraid I let jealousy take over."

"I was choosing Sophia."

He sighed and gave me a weak smile. "It didn't feel like that last night."

"I'm sorry. I hope you know that there is no choice between you and Joe." I leaned forward and kissed him. "I already chose you."

"Did you?"

I shook my head. "I thought so. You think I need to reconsider?" I tilted my head and gave him an appraising look. "I don't know … you might need to remind me."

He grinned and then nuzzled into my neck. "I'll remind you all night if you'd like."

"Mmmm …." I sighed and let him continue to kiss along my jaw. "We still need to talk."

"Keep talking. I'll listen." He nipped at my ear and then started stroking my back and squeezing my shoulders. It felt so good that I let my head fall against his chest.

"Well … Oh, right there." I moaned in delight as his hands kneaded my shoulders. "Sophia wants to see Joe tonight. And I don't think I'm ready to let him take her alone."

"I agree."

"I want to be with you."

"I do too."

"I want to be with her too."

"Then meet him at McDonald's or someplace to have a quick dinner before coming over to my place."

"I'm pretty sure my mother would not approve of us missing dinner."

"I will stay for dinner here and you can take her to see Joe." He stopped his rubbing and lifted my chin up. "I can discuss wedding costs with your parents."

I frowned. "Wedding costs? I don't know –"

"Stephanie, let me talk with your father so we can start planning."

"We haven't even set a date."

"We will. Why are you making this more difficult? I'm offering a perfectly reasonable solution."

I leaned my head back against him. Why was I fighting this? I was tired already, and a quick visit with Joe would be plenty for Sophia. I wrapped my arms around him. "Okay. But you get to tell Mom it was your idea that Sophia and I are leaving."

"No problem."

.

Sophia was delighted to see her daddy for dinner, and Joe was just happy to see her anywhere. Wanting to keep this visit short, I recommended Wendy's instead of McDonald's since they didn't have a playroom. Joe offered to pay for our meals, and I decided to let him pay for Sophia's. I thought he might argue, but he let it drop quickly.

Once I had my tray of food, I made my way over to where Sophia and Joe were seated. They were already in deep conversation about their favorite things.

"What's your favorite color, Daddy?" Sophia asked before chewing on a single fry.

"I guess that would be blue."

"What kind of blue?"

"Like …" He looked up at me as I sat down and smiled. "Like a bright summer sky blue."

"Really? I like pink."

"You do? What about purple?"

"Uh-huh. Sometimes I like labender better."

He grinned at her mistake. "Me too."

"What about you, Steph?" Joe asked, clearly trying to include me. "You have a favorite color?"

"Mommy likes brown."

"I do?"

"You said you liked brown like my eyes." She giggled. " 'Member?"

"Oh, that's right," I said with a wink. I had told her before that her eyes made me love the color brown. It had helped her be happier about not having my blue eyes. Not that she would care anymore since she was so thrilled to have Joe's eyes.

"Like my eyes too?" Joe asked with a smirk, which I returned.

Sophia giggled. "And you like blue like Mommy's eyes!"

Joe smiled at her comment, but he quickly turned away from me. "What about songs? Do you have a favorite song?"

"Oh, I love the Beep Beep song."

Joe glanced over at me in confusion. "What's that?"

"It's the song that Bumblebott's mommy sings to him," she answered him.

"From her favorite movie," I supplied.

"Can you sing it for me?" he asked as he helped her open her dipping sauce for her chicken nuggets.

"Oh yes! It's so much fun. Mommy sing it with me!"

"No, that's okay. Daddy wants to hear you sing it." I leveled him a serious look. "Don't you?"

He opened his mouth with a mischievous glint in his eyes, but then quickly turned back to Sophia. "I just wanna hear you."

"Okay!" She bounced up and down a few times and then frowned. "Mommy?" she whispered to me. "I forget."

I sighed. "Beep beep, ding ding," I sang softly to the tune of 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star'.

"Oh yeah," she said with a sheepish grin and a slap to her knee, earning a happy sigh from Joe.

"You ready, Daddy?"

"Ready," he replied seriously, sitting up straight and focusing all his attention on our little star.

"_Beep beep, ding ding! Little Bott!  
__I'll always love you no matter what!  
__If you buzz or if you bumble  
__If you're sore –"_

"You soar," I corrected her. "Like flying, remember?"

"_If you soar or if you fumble!  
__Beep beep, ding ding! Little Bott!  
__I'll always love you no matter what!"_

Joe just watched her in complete awe. He shook his head at her. "That was so good, baby. I loved hearing you sing. Maybe we can watch that movie sometime."

"Oh, Daddy, really?" she squealed in delight.

As I mumbled, "Oh, I'm sure you'll see it and see it and see it."

They didn't hear me and had resumed listing their other favorite things. Then Sophia went into the things she didn't like. It was cute, hearing them compare their lists of things, but Sophia had no interest in me contributing anymore to the conversation. Basically, I sat and watched out the window as they continued to learn about each other.

I was more than ready to get back home by the time they finished sharing a small Frosty. I could see that it pained Joe to say goodbye to her so soon, and it made me feel another wave of guilt that I had kept them apart. But I was getting anxious to see Dickie, who was patiently waiting for me at home. Also Sophia was getting drowsy, her cheerful mood and bubbly spirit fading quickly. She still put up a valiant effort to stay awake as Joe carried her out to my car, but she was asleep before we even pulled out of the parking lot.

.

**OoOoO**

.

The next day, I found Joe sitting at the dining table with my dad when I came home from work. They both looked over at me and I noticed that Sophia was snuggled on Joe's lap, clutching Lady. He must have come straight from work since he was still in his uniform.

"Hi, Steph," he said, looking slightly guilty for having invited himself over.

"Hi." I stood in the living room, a little pissed that he was in my home.

"Mommy, did you know Daddy is a please officer?"

Joe smiled broadly at her mistake and kissed her head. They seemed completely at ease with each other, and it was throwing me off.

I smiled at Sophia and nodded. "Yes, bug, I knew that. Do you like his uniform?"

"Uh-huh. Daddy said he would get me one for Halloween!"

I frowned at Joe. I had planned on using her birthday dress to make her into Belle. Dickie was going to dress as Beast, and I was going to dress as Babette, the French maid feather duster. It was going to be our first Halloween together as a family.

I smiled tightly at Sophia. "We have lots of time for Halloween, bug. We can talk about it later."

Dad stood up. "I feel like a walk to the ice cream shop. I would hate to go alone."

"I'll go, Grampy!"

"Go upstairs and grab your jacket, and then we can go." He looked over at me. "You two need to talk."

"Thanks, Dad."

Joe stood and shook his hand. "Thanks, Frank. I'm just starting to really feel like her father, and I can't imagine how much I would hate me if I were you. Thank you for your support."

Dad nodded and then headed to the bottom of the stairs. He stopped next to me and kissed my temple. "He has rights, Stephanie. Whether you file papers or not."

I blinked at him in surprise. "I know."

He lifted his brows and then turned away as Sophia came hopping down the stairs.

"Bye, Mommy! Bye, Daddy!" Still not used to that.

I waited until they were out the door before I turned back to Joe. He was sitting again at the table, his hands steepled under his chin. Taking a deep breath, I crossed over and sat in Mom's chair since he was in mine.

"You should have called me."

"I didn't know where to reach you, Stephanie, or I would have. I called here and your father said to come on over."

"What were you thanking him for?"

"For giving me a chance." He smiled. "I did get his teenage daughter pregnant and then left her."

I huffed at that. "Don't forget the crap you wrote about me all over town."

"I didn't." He looked down at the table. "I'm so sorry."

"You already … no, actually, you didn't."

"I know."

"It's fine, Joe. I survived. And I learned really quickly who were my real friends."

He just nodded, his lips tight.

"Is that why you are here? To apologize?"

"No. I wanted to talk to you about taking Sophia to meet my family. I haven't told them yet. I thought we should talk about it first."

"Good thing my mother isn't here. She's not looking forward to sharing Sophia." Says the person who whole-heartedly agreed with her this morning.

"At least she has had a chance to know her." He immediately sighed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"Then why did you?"

He grimaced. "I think we should talk about what happened before I left."

"Why? I think the only thing we need to worry about is Sophia's well-being."

"Stephanie, I don't think you understand why I did what I did."

"I don't care, Joe. It was almost five years ago." I almost believed that.

"I told you that I saw you at that –"

"Joe! I don't want to talk about it. We both hurt each other. I think that is clear. I'm sorry, you're sorry. Now, let's figure out how we are going to move forward for Sophia."

His eyes narrowed. I could tell he was frustrated. "Fine. I'm telling my mom tonight then."

"Fine."

"She's going to want to meet her. Can we set up something for this weekend? I'm off on Saturday."

"No problem."

"I work late tomorrow night. I would like to call Sophia before she goes to bed. What time should I call?"

"She's usually in bed by 9. Bath at 8. How about after 8:30? You can tell her goodnight."

"Thank you."

"Okay then." I started to stand up, but Joe stopped me.

"I don't want us to be like this, Stephanie."

"I don't know what to say to you, Joe."

"We were friends once. Can we just work on that again?"

"Were we?"

"Yes. You were my closest friend before I left."

"I doubt that."

"Well, you were." He waited for me to look at him. "Remember how I could tell you anything?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, and?"

He laughed. "And you always told me what you were thinking. I would like for you to be honest with me. I promise to be honest with you. We are going to have to trust each other."

I crossed my arms. I highly doubted I would ever trust him again. "I can be honest with you."

"Good." He smiled at me. "I think you've done such a great job with her."

"Thanks."

"How did you come up with her name?"

I blushed. "It's stupid. Not her name. Just how I chose it."

He leaned closer to me. "Come on. Tell me. I want to know."

"I was only seventeen," I reminded him.

"I know," he said gravely.

"Well, I wanted her to have 'p-h' in her name."

"Why?"

"We both have 'p-h' in our names, and I wanted her to have it too. Or him. I didn't know she was a she."

"Really? So she could have been … Phyllis?" He flashed me a striking grin, and I hated that I enjoyed it.

"No." I laughed. "She could have been Phoebe."

He smiled. "I like Sophia."

"Me too. And it went better with Grace."

"And what made you choose Grace?"

"Father O'Riley. He always told me that God gave us grace so that we could move forward and be better people. He said that God had enough grace to cover the worst of our sins. He would always then tell me that the baby was not a sin. The baby was a blessing. It was kind of hard to believe that at the time, but I really needed to believe that God forgave me for …" I looked over at him. "It was always more about what happened with Rick. Not you."

"Rick?"

"The guy from the party." I gasped. "I can't believe I just told you his name. Shit. Don't repeat that. No one else knows."

He looked a little confused. "She really is mine, right?"

"Of course she is. I told you he was blond. And I told you that we used a condom." I did not want to have this conversation. "Don't you believe me? How can you even question this after you have told her? Do you know what that would do to her if you changed your mind? I told you that you would need time. I told you that -"

"Steph!" He shook his head. "I don't know why I asked that. She's mine. I can feel it. And I can see me in her too. I know with everything I am that I am her father."

I slowly relaxed into my seat. "Anyway, I knew pretty quickly that I wanted her middle name to be Grace."

"What if she was a boy?"

"I never decided," I lied. There goes that being honest thing. That was quick.

I had wanted to name the baby Riley Joseph. I figured no one would ever make the connection since no one had known about me even talking to Joe other than Big Red. But looking back, I think that may have been wishful thinking. It was hard for me to remember how much I still loved him when she was born. It had taken me a long time to push those feelings away. Of course, every time I had to endure being treated like an outcast, it made it a little bit easier. Having Joe back in my life was bringing back all the turmoil of those first couple of years after he left. And I couldn't seem to let go of my anger.

Joe smiled as though he didn't believe me, but he was smart enough to not press the issue. "Well, I will let you go. I will call tomorrow night and I'll let you know what the plan is for this weekend."

"Okay," I said simply.

I watched him hobble out of the house, feeling only slightly less guilty about hitting him with the car than I felt about keeping Sophia from him. I placed my head in my hands and leaned my elbows onto the table. My whole life was about to change again because of Joe. In all my high school fantasies about what our lives would be like, I never imagined how difficult it would be to share Sophia with him. And soon, the Morellis.

I groaned out loud as the picture of my new reality became clearer. "Maybe they won't really care that Joe has a daughter… Oh, who am I kidding?" I asked myself and then thumped my head against the table.

.

.

.

* * *

Thank you! Please leave a review! I want to know what you are thinking. This story is outlined and much is written, but your comments do help me know how things are coming across so I can make adjustments. :)


	10. Chapter 9

A/N: Julie, thank you. So so grateful for all you do.

And to all the readers, sorry about the wait. :)

I just realized this chapter could be called "... And now everyone else."

.

* * *

**A Change In Me**

**Chapter Nine**

* * *

.

After Joe left, I decided that I better call Mary Lou. Apparently, the Morellis were going to find out about Sophia before the weekend, and my best friend would probably have a complete conniption fit if I didn't tell her before the Burg did.

"Well hello, Mrs. Orr," she answered the phone with her full-on Jersey attitude.

Damn. I didn't tell her about that either. "Will you forgive me if I answer five questions about the biggest piece of gossip to hit the Burg in years?"

I could hear her swift inhale. "Meet me at Pino's in an hour."

"Too many people."

She made another gasp. "Come over here. I'll get rid of Lenny." I could hear a muffled 'hey' in the background. "Oh shut up, Lenny. It's not like you were gonna make mad passionate love to me. Go home. Steph's coming over."

I giggled into my fist. Mary Lou quickly muffled the phone. I could still tell that he was complaining from the tone of voice he was using, but then she murmured something in a low, sexy tone and he acquiesced pretty quickly. She obviously offered him something sexual. I tried not to think about it, but I did sometimes wonder if Mary Lou gave the best blowjobs in Jersey. I hoped that Lenny really did love her and that getting his mom's approval was his sole motivation for not consummating their relationship. Regardless, I didn't understand them.

"Steph," she sighed. "Give me fifteen minutes."

"To leave here or to get there?"

"Oh, to get here," she said matter-of-factly. "See you soon."

I quickly left a note for Dad and Sophia that I was at Mary Lou's before running upstairs to change clothes. And maybe one more coat of mascara. I didn't really need to change, but dressing up a little always gave me a boost of confidence. I had a feeling I might need it.

Fifteen minutes later I passed a very satisfied-looking Lenny on his way out of the Molnar's house. He nodded and grunted a hello before I faced Mary Lou, standing with jutted hip and lip.

"Let me see the ring," she demanded.

I obediently held my hand out, and she grabbed it roughly. I kept my eyes down, letting her have her moment of yanking my hand back and forth, looking at the ring at different angles.

She dropped my hand and gave me a stern look. "Has Val seen it yet?"

"Nope. But Mom called her and told her."

"So she doesn't know it's bigger than hers?" she asked with a smirk.

"Mom noticed that too!"

"Really?" She laughed and welcomed me into the house. I guess I was forgiven for the lack of engagement announcement.

Once we were seated on her bed, door locked shut just in case someone came home, she lifted her brows in question. I knew she was dying to know what I had to reveal. Mary Lou was definitely a Burg girl.

"First let me say that I didn't call you immediately about the engagement because it happened so fast and there's been _a lot_ going on."

"Well, spill. Then I get my five questions."

I grimaced about that. What had I been thinking? "Okay, um … well … uh …" She glared at me. "I slept with Joe Morelli."

Her eyes bugged out of her head. "Wait! You're marrying Dickie, right?"

"Of course I am! No, I slept with Joe about _four years and nine and half months ago_."

"Holy shit! You slut! I can't believe you never told me!" She jumped up from her bed and then immediately fell back down on it. "Oh my God, Stephanie." She stared at me, completely in shock. "Sophia?"

"Yep."

"This is not one of my questions." She lifted a brow to challenge any argument from me.

"Okay."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't tell anyone. And it was easier to believe that she was from that one-night stand if I never had to talk about Joe. Trust me, it didn't stop me from thinking about him."

"So … you didn't turn him down in front of his friends at that party?"

"No. I didn't speak to him at that party." I frowned. "Okay, that was another freebie. The five start now."

She glared at me again, but then closed her eyes to think. After a few minutes, she smiled at me. "One: why didn't you tell Joe?"

"I thought I loved him." She reached out and took my hand. "And he was at that party… with his girlfriend."

"Oh, Steph, I'm sorry."

"We had just slept together a few days before. And I should have confronted him. But instead I got drunk and … you know the rest."

"Damn. No wonder you hit him with the car." She looked down in thought again. "I'm just going to think out loud. You hit him with your car because he broke your heart. And ... you used the graffiti as your excuse. So you're going to continue to let everyone think that she is from the one-night stand, and Joe will never know?"

She was fishing, but I wasn't biting.

"Fine," she snapped at me playfully before giving me a sympathetic smile. "I am sorry he hurt you. I wish I could have been there for you."

"Mare, you have been the best friend ever. You _were_ there for me. You just didn't know all the details."

"Thanks. So - compound question." She smiled while I rolled my eyes. "Are you or have you told him, and if so, what does Joe think about Sophia?"

"I told him a few days ago. He loves her. Oh, Mare, you should have seen them together. I cried almost the whole time the night they met. When he told her that he was her daddy, she completely broke down in tears. She was so happy. And they just are … they just adore each other."

She smiled at that. "I know she's been asking about her daddy. Is that what prompted this?" She scrunched up her face in frustration. "Damn. That wasn't supposed to be one."

I smiled at her smugly. "Yes and no. I always knew that I would have to tell him, but since he was gone, I just waited. I regret it now. I should have told him right away. I was just so hurt, and I didn't think he would want her anyway. I was so wrong." I sighed heavily. "And how could I keep her from knowing him? She deserved to meet him too. But I let him know first, in case he didn't want her. She has Dickie, and I knew that we would be fine without Joe. But of course, he wanted to meet her immediately."

"Is he mad at you for not telling him?"

"Yes. He yelled a lot at first. He's still mad, but he wants us to try to be friends again. I'm not sure if I can be his friend, but for Sophia I will do whatever I need to do to make this work."

She flopped back onto her bed. "I can see him in her now that I think about it." She laughed. "I can't believe Joe is her father. Wow."

I crawled up on the bed and lay next to her. "I know. I really thought he wouldn't care. Especially since he knows I'm getting married."

"Hmmm."

"What's that mean?"

"I have one more question left. But this is about Dickie, not Joe, so it doesn't count."

"Okay."

"You really want to marry him? You said it happened fast."

"Well, it wasn't some grand gesture or anything. It was in his car." I frowned a little. "But he took me home and made love to me all night. And he wines and dines me all the time. I didn't really need a production."

She nodded slowly, but she still looked skeptical. "Are you sure you're ready for marriage?"

"Are you?" I shot right back to her.

She turned to me and glared. "Fine. You're ready."

"I love Dickie. And I know he loves me and Sophia. He's going to give us a good life, a stable life. He's everything we need. And Joe is … Joe is … Joe is a mystery. He's not the guy I had thought he was – then or now. I'm still not sure he will stick around for the long haul. That's why I am so glad we have Dickie. Like I said, she will be fine even without Joe."

"And Dickie is okay with Joe being around? Again about Dickie so not counting!"

"He's not thrilled. But he proposed so obviously it didn't change how he feels about me."

"Hmmm."

"Just ask your stupid questions about Dickie," I grumbled as I elbowed her playfully.

"You think he asked you to keep you away from Joe?"

"No. Why would he do that?"

"Because you already told me you loved Joe. Even though you should have told me that years ago, but I forgive you. Anyway, does Dickie know that you loved Joe?"

"He knows that he broke my heart. He knows that I am not interested in any kind of relationship with Joe other than as parents. Aaand, he already had the ring."

"Okay. Good. Men are stupid when they think there's competition." She sat up. "Maybe I need to get Lenny some competition."

I pulled her back down. "Lenny would probably just give up if you did that. I don't think he's the Alpha male type."

"Yeah. Who knew? I always thought he was more of a leader in high school. Oh well, I like that he takes direction."

We both giggled at that.

"Okay. Last question about Joe. How was it?" She wriggled her brows.

"Seriously?"

"Uh, yeah! Come on. I want details. I had to listen to you whine about him for years. And you finally get him and then you never even told me."

"It wasn't like that. It was … we were friends. And I think maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that our relationship was secret. At least it appeared to be that way. I think I was afraid that if I told you, it would stop."

"Steph, that's messed up. Why would you settle for being someone's secret?"

"I don't know. Have you seen him lately? Do you not remember how much I wanted him?"

"Yeah, I saw him at the gas station one day. He looks even better now."

We both sighed.

"It happened right before he was leaving for the Navy. We had only kissed. And that had only happened one time. Well not one kiss, but one pretty hot make-out session behind the Tasty Pastry."

"So he _did_ write that stuff?"

"Is this your new question?"

"Absolutely not. Tell me about the sex. Come on, you know I'm not getting any. And it was years ago. It's not like I am asking you about Dickie."

"Because you already asked me about Dickie!"

"You called me to tell me you slept with him. Did you want me to just say, 'Oh that's nice.' Please, Stephanie. You know I love this shit. Tell Lenny to give it up if you want me to stop asking you about your love life."

I placed a hand over my eyes. "It was really, really good. Okay?"

"Not even close."

I huffed loudly. "I was a virgin so the first time was a little painful."

"First time! Well, no wonder you ended up pregnant. How many times did you do it?"

"Twice. And yes, no condoms. God, we were stupid." I turned to her. "I don't regret it. I have Sophia."

"I know. Go on!"

"He was so sweet that first time. I made him hold still forever. And he actually did. And then the next time was … it was better than I could have ever imagined. It took me a long, long time to not fantasize about that night."

"And?"

"And what? I'm not telling you anything else."

"One more thing! Please!" She gave me a salacious grin. "Is he as big as Terry liked to say?"

"Oh my goodness," I sighed, placing my hands over my face. "Yes."

.

**OoOoO**

.

I was just pulling into the drive, returning from Mary Lou's, when Val honked at me from behind.

"Get in my car! I'm sneaking some Cluck In A Bucket while Steve is working late. And I heard you have news!"

I rolled my eyes at her and looked to the door where I could see Sophia waving at me. I made my way towards the house when Val honked again.

"My child is waiting for me!" I yelled at her.

"Well mine is hungry!" She honked again.

I ignored her and went to the door. "Hey, bug. You look like you're ready for bed."

"Grammy told me I could skip my bath tonight." I gave her a strange look, wondering if Grandma Mazur had worn out Mom tonight.

Sophia hopped up and down from one foot to the other, clutching her hands together and clearly wanting something. "Can I call Daddy?"

"You just saw Daddy a few hours ago."

"So?"

Val honked again.

"Okay. Let's call Daddy and then I'm going to go with Auntie Val." I leaned out the door and yelled, "Come in and have some lemon bars while I see my daughter for a few minutes."

"Steve is going to be home in an hour, Steph."

"Whatever, Val. I'm going inside."

.

After saying a quick hello to my parents, I scooped up my happy girl and carried her up the stairs. I noticed the sound of a car door slamming, and I hoped Dad hadn't finished those bars that morning.

Sophia sat on my lap, punching each number as I pointed to it. She looked up me with a big grin when the phone started ringing.

"Hello?"

"Daddy!"

"Hi, baby. How are you?"

"I'm so happy!" She looked up at me again and smiled even wider.

"Did you have fun with Grampy getting some ice cream?"

"Uh-huh. I got strawberry!"

"That's my favorite."

"Mine too." I think that was the first time I recalled her ever not choosing mint chocolate chip, but I wasn't about to point that out. And I vaguely recalled ice cream being a topic of discussion the night before at dinner. Of course.

"Sophia, I would love to have lunch with you tomorrow. Can you ask Mommy if that is okay?"

"Mommy, can I –"

"I heard, bug." I took the phone from her. "That's fine, Joe. I will make sure Mom knows to expect you. You should probably call her when you are on your way."

"Okay. I can do that. … Um, are you going to be around?"

"Well, no. I will be at work."

"Oh. Okay … maybe I should just bring her some lunch."

"That's fine too." Sophia nodded her head. She could care less what they did, as long as she got to see Joe again.

"That'll probably be easier."

"Okay, well, I'm going to hand her back over."

"Daddy!"

I could hear him chuckle. "Yes, Sophia."

"Did you miss me?"

"Today?"

"No. Now!"

"On the phone?" he asked, obviously amused.

"Uh-huh."

He laughed again. "Yes, I missed you."

"I missed you too! Come over and tuck me in."

"Um …"

I leaned down so Joe could easily hear me. "Sophia, Mommy has to go out, remember? So Grammy or Grampy can tuck you in tonight."

"No, Mommy. Daddy can come over."

"Sophia," Joe cut in. "Daddy has some work stuff to do tonight. Maybe I can tuck you in another night soon, okay?"

I could tell that he was just saying that to make me happy. He probably would have already hung up and headed over if I had agreed. But I just wasn't ready for that to happen. Not so soon.

.

Once Sophia was finished with her call, I yelled for Val, who met me at the bottom of the stairs with traces of powdered sugar on her cheek.

"Did I hear her say 'daddy'?" she asked with wide eyes.

"You missed a spot," I said dryly and pointed to her face.

She rolled her eyes and wiped the wrong cheek. I smiled as if she got it and then headed out the door.

"Maybe you should drive too so I can go straight home."

"Steve knows you're pregnant. He's not going to be mad."

"But he's already worried that I've gained too much."

I stopped walking and turned to face her, looking her up and down. "Val, you look great. You haven't gained that much at all. And you're only like six weeks from your due date. You're supposed to start gaining more now." I only half-lied. She had been packing it on the last couple of weeks, but I also knew she had barely gained any weight the first six months.

"Okay." She smiled gratefully. "But please call Steve and tell him that."

I gave her a curious look, but she squealed something about chicken and made her way to her car. I followed her and hopped into the passenger seat.

"I want to hear all about Dickie, but I need food first." She flashed me a smile and peeled out of the driveway.

Once Val had eaten - or rather, devoured - her super-sized meal and part of mine, she burped loudly, blushed, and then cleaned her hands on the small wet-wipe. "Okay, tell me all about it."

I shook my head at her. "I'm engaged," I said all girly and placed my hand in her face.

"I know that!" She took my hand and appraised the diamond like she was a jeweler. "He's got such great taste."

"Thanks," I said smugly.

"I meant the ring. This is at least a G grade if not an F and … " She pulled it closer to her eyes. " Probably VS1. And great scintillation. Just look at the crown and how it glows." She let go of my hand and sighed wistfully. "Plus, it's two carats. Mine is only one and a half."

I smirked at her as I held it up in the light. "And it's a square," I said simply, just waiting for her to correct me.

"Oh my God, Steph. Do you even know what I just told you?"

"Not really." I shrugged. "I thought F grades were the worst. Who knew you could get a G?"

She rolled her eyes and then took the last bit of my biscuit. "You don't even deserve that diamond."

"Probably. But I got it and it's better than your–ors!" I sang to her annoyingly.

"Whatever. So Sophia is calling him daddy already?"

"Oh. Um … well, that's some – wait, Mom didn't tell you about this?"

"About what?"

"So she blabs about the engagement but not this?"

"This what?" she asked, her eyes growing wide.

"I can't believe it. I wonder if she even told Grandma and Grandpa tonight. I thought she would."

"What?" she practically screamed.

"Joe Morelli is Sophia's father." I smiled brightly as I tilted my head.

"Wait, what?"

"He didn't know, Val. I never told him until this week. And well, he's actually being kind of amazing. Sophia is completely in love with him."

She blinked at me, took a deep breath, and then slumped back into her seat. "I knew he was going to hurt you."

"You didn't know anything."

"Yes, I did. I knew you liked him, and I knew he noticed you. I just … I thought he left before you were brave enough to talk to him."

"Well, obviously not."

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry? You would prefer Sophia was from some nameless one-night-stand?"

"Yes. That way Dickie could really be her father. Now you're going to have to deal with two daddies. I don't think this is going to be that easy."

I frowned at her and crossed my arms. "I know. But it's not like I can or would undo it."

"Of course not," she said as she rubbed her belly. "Sophia is the best thing to ever happen to you."

"Definitely."

"So you think Joe is going to really stick around? He is a Morelli."

"For Sophia's sake, I hope so." And I did. But Val was right. It was not going to be easy to juggle Dickie and Joe in my life.

.

**OoOoO**

.

The next Saturday, I was supposed to bring Sophia over to Mrs. Morelli's house for a family dinner. Mom had kept Grandma and Grandpa Mazur out of the loop so that Grandma wouldn't blab the news to all her friends at the salon. That way, Mrs. Morelli could find out from Joe first. According to Joe, his mom was shocked and a little angry with both of us. But she wanted to know "her baby's baby." In fact, she threatened to show up on my parents' doorstep with the entire Morelli clan if I didn't agree to bring Sophia to her. The thought of Joe's Grandma Bella in my house scared me enough to agree.

Sophia was bouncing all around the house Saturday in anticipation of meeting her daddy's family. I noticed Mom was really quiet anytime Sophia talked about meeting her new Grammy. I felt bad for her, but at the same time, I felt happy for my daughter. It sucked being in the middle of them like this. Mom caught me watching her and promptly left to go check on the cake she was baking.

Joe insisted that he pick us up, even though we could have easily walked to his mother's house. It was still really nice out, and Sophia and I often walked when we could to save on gas. Joe pulled up in his car and walked slowly up to the porch, his leg now in a walking boot. I tried not to notice how his jeans clung to his long muscular legs. And I definitely didn't remember how it felt to have those legs entwined with mine. Nope. Not at all.

"Daddy! Daddy!" Sophia flung herself off the porch, making my heart stop as she flew into Joe's strong arms. "I love you, Daddy!" She kissed his cheek. I wondered how long this kind of enthusiasm was going to last. It was getting a little hurtful how much she professed her love to Joe.

"I love you, princess," he responded.

He had been trying out some pet names for her. She loved that one. She even told me that I could start calling her that as well. Instead of bug! Again, I was more than ready for the honeymoon to be over. Geesh, I could be selfish! It had only been five days!

"You know we could all just walk from here," I offered.

He bounced Sophia on his hip, his smile almost blinding. "I have something in the car I wanted to show my princess."

She giggled and then wrapped her arms more tightly around his neck. I rolled my eyes as they turned away from me and headed out to his car.

"Steph? If it's not the right kind, just let me know, and I'll take it back," he said as I joined them.

I peered into the back of his car and saw the new car seat. "It looks great, Joe." I stroked Sophia's curls away from her face. "Daddy got you a car seat, bug! Now you can ride with him whenever he comes over. You don't have to wait for Mommy." I sighed.

Joe caught my arm with his free hand. "You okay?"

I smiled. "Fine. I'm just not used to sharing her."

"Mommy, you said sharing is caring." She leaned her head back against his shoulder.

"I did. You're so smart, Sophia." Why did I teach her these things again?

Joe attempted to get her in the seat, and Sophia giggled the whole time. I noticed that he was enjoying her laughter enough to not get frustrated with the contraptions on the seat. I went ahead and sat in the car so he could deal with things on his own. And who was I to point out that she was more than capable of strapping herself into the seat? He was going to have to learn to be on his own with her eventually. Ugh! I wasn't ready for that.

We pulled up to Mrs. Morelli's house to see a giant banner saying, _Sophia Grace Morelli! Welcome home! _I turned to Joe, angry as hell at the name and the implication that she had not had a home.

"What's going on, Joe?" I demanded.

He looked past me and gaped at the banner. "I had no idea. I told her that her name was Plum."

"For now. And then it's going to be Orr." I actually wasn't sure of this anymore, but I was so angry. And my petty jealousy reared its ugly head. "You need to let them know. I refuse to do it."

"What? We will be discussing this later, Stephanie. Her name will either be Plum or Morelli. I am not allowing my daughter to take another man's name!"

"And I want _my_ daughter to have _my_ name! This isn't about you, Joe. This is about Sophia. Her name will be Sophia Orr!"

"Or what, Mommy?" Sophia asked in her scared voice, looking at us nervously. She had never seen us argue.

Joe started laughing. "Or nothing, princess. Mommy and Daddy were confused." He winked at her and she giggled. What's even funny about that?

He jumped out of the car and pulled her from her seat, hoisting her up on his shoulders. She was squealing in delight. And I was still fuming in the car.

Joe tapped on the window. I slowly peered up at him.

"You coming, Mommy?" he asked with a smile. "We might be a little nervous about meeting so many people."

Well, I had to go now. What kind of mother would the Morelli's tell the Burg I was if I refused to support my little girl? "Coming, dear," I said snarkily, earning an eye roll from Joe.

I followed Joe, with Sophia still on his shoulders, into the house. I couldn't really see around him, but I could hear the large number of people shouting their hellos. Sophia immediately twisted around to see me.

"I'm right here, bug. It's okay."

Joe placed her down on the floor and kept his hands on her shoulders. "Everyone, this is my beautiful little girl Sophia. Princess, this is my family. And yours too." He crouched down next to her and kissed her cheek.

Mrs. Morelli was in the front of the group, crying into a delicate handkerchief. "Oh, Joseph. Bring her to me."

"That's _my_ mommy. That makes her your grandma."

"I know, Daddy! She's my other grammy!"

Joe nudged her towards his mother, but he kept one hand firmly around hers. Sophia smiled her sweet and shy smile, and everyone commented about how adorable she was. I couldn't help but feel a surge of pride.

Mrs. Morelli hugged Sophia and cried over how much she looked like Joe and how on earth she could have missed it she didn't know. She only briefly acknowledged me with a quick frown while she was lamenting over the time she had missed.

Joe tapped my toe with his to get my attention. He leaned down and whispered in my ear. "I told her that I was really awful to you. She's really just mad at me. She knows it's my fault you never told them."

I turned to look at him, expecting him to straighten up, but he didn't. Our lips were almost touching, and I took in a quick breath. "It's fine," I murmured back, trying desperately to ignore the soft waves of his breath.

Then, a bony elbow moved me over and I looked down to see Joe's scary grandmother. I shuddered as she stared at me. I quickly stepped back and into Joe. He chuckled as he grabbed my shoulders to steady me. And probably to keep me in place.

"Hi, Grandma. You know Stephanie?"

She smiled. "I have seen you." She squinted her dark eyes. "You're a good girl. You have been raising Joseph's daughter in church."

I smiled, relieved that she was not angry with me. "Yes. Father O'Riley has been very kind to me and Sophia."

She nodded and then turned around to meet Sophia. Or so I thought.

"Secret Grandma!" Sophia shrieked. She then clamped her hands over her mouth. "I'm sorry," she said softly.

Joe released my shoulders and crouched down next to her. "Sophia? What did you just say?"

She shook her head no, hands still firmly in place.

I gave her the face. She hugged Joe and hid in his arms from me. I placed my hands on my hips and commanded, "Sophia Grace _Plum_." Yeah, I knew what I was doing.

"Yes, Mommy."

"Answer your father." Wow. I never thought I'd say those words.

Bella laughed loudly. And everyone else who was crowded into the living room went silent in shock.

She patted Sophia on the head. "You can tell them, Piccolina."

"That's my secret grandma," she said excitedly. "I met her at church."

I blinked at her and looked over at Mrs. Morelli. She looked confused, but her rapidly blinking eyes stilled as they narrowed in anger. She turned to her mother-in-law. "You knew?"

"No one believes an old woman. No one believes I can see things others cannot. Why would I bother telling you?"

After that, everyone broke out into loud chatter again. I could see that the family was torn between believing in Bella's visions and thinking she was loony. I wasn't sure what to make of her. Soon enough, Sophia was passed around the room, meeting all her new aunts and uncles, and much to her delight, her many cousins. Of course, she asked them all which daddy put them into which mommy.

_Oh, Valerie, the things I am going to teach your children._

We were about halfway through the picnic dinner when Joe's brother Tony pulled me aside. "Did you know that your daughter is telling the kids that Joey didn't want her until he met her?"

I almost choked on my bite of lasagna. "What? I did not tell her that. I didn't tell her anything other than he was gone."

He gave me a pointed look. "Well, someone did."

I didn't know what to say to Tony. And I didn't know if I should ask Sophia about it either. She was four and her imagination was often very vivid. But I didn't want her to continue to believe that her father hadn't wanted her before now. I also knew that Joe would be crushed if he heard about it at all. I decided to wait until the next afternoon to broach the subject of Joe not wanting Sophia.

.

**OoOoO**

.

Once again, we attended Sunday morning Mass since Sophia wanted to go with her new family. Grandma Mazur was waiting in the parking lot, ready to pounce the moment I got out of the car.

"Stephanie! Do you like my hair?" she asked with a wicked gleam in her eye.

"Yes?" It was a lovely shade of orange.

"It's persimmon."

"Oh, that's nice." Sophia tugged on my arm. "What, bug? Say hi to Nana."

"Hi, Naaanaaaaaa," she practically sang. "Let's go, Mommy!" She pulled again.

Grandma smiled sweetly at Sophia and then turned to me. "I imagine she wants to get in there and see that hot hunk of a daddy of hers." She arched a penciled-in, matching orange brow.

"Oh, yeah. About that … " I shrugged.

Grandma leaned in really close. "I just saw him enter the church a few minutes ago. And … " She wriggled her brows. "Way to go, Steph."

I rolled my eyes at her in amusement.

"And just think," she continued excitedly, "you get first dibs on him now that he's back."

"Grandma!" I whisper-yelled. "I am marrying Dickie."

"Oh, that's right. Well, he's cute too - nothing like Joseph. But hey, at least you got to try him out for a ride." She winked at me.

"I am ignoring that. So does Grandpa know yet?"

"Of course he knows. I don't keep things from him, you know that."

"And?"

"And he thinks that Joseph is turning into a nice young man, and he is glad that Sophia will have him in her life."

"He really thinks so?"

"Yes." She hugged me lightly before turning back to a dancing Sophia, who was twisting my arm back and forth as she tried to spin and twirl. "Sophia, you want to introduce me to your daddy now?"

"Yes! Oh, Nana! He's so pretty. I love him."

"He's definitely pretty," she said with a smirk and took my happy daughter on into the church.

.

Of course, Mrs. Morelli practically announced to the congregation the news of Joe's daughter. Not that the entire Burg hadn't figured it out with the giant banner in her yard. I think Father O'Riley was not amused at the amount of time it took for the chatter to die down. I had hoped that Dickie would join us, but he said he didn't want to interfere with the Morellis having their moment. And it was probably for the better since I wasn't quite ready for Dickie to meet Joe. Or maybe it was for Joe to meet Dickie. All of it was overwhelming to me. I just knew that I was ready to get away from the chaos that had become my life over the last few days.

Sophia was clinging to Joe in the church parking lot after church. I had let her talk with him as long as I could before we would be late for lunch. I was also very much over having to smile and make polite conversation with all the nosy Burg residents who kept stopping by and not-so-subtly digging for information about Joe and me. It wasn't like I could just tell them the truth. So I smiled and nodded and let them all think that Joe and I had been really good friends that had never planned on being together after he left. They could fill in the blanks however they wanted.

"Sophie, we need to get home to eat with Grammy and Grampy," I said as cheerfully as possible.

"No! I don't wanna go. I wanna go with Daddy. He's gotta car seat for me. I wanna go with him." She buried her head against his chest.

I started to pull her from him, but then I caught the slight look of pride in Joe's eyes. I stepped back and glared at him. "We are going home. Dickie is coming over to see you this afternoon, bug. Don't you want to see him?"

"Why can't Daddy come too?"

"Because Daddy doesn't live with us. And because –"

"Daddy, come live with me and Mommy!"

Joe frowned. "Princess, I have to go to my house. I promise I will see you soon."

"No!" she cried. "Don't go!"

I placed my hand against my forehead. I could already feel the headache coming. "Daddy's not going to leave you."

Joe's eyes went wide in understanding. "Oh, Sophia, I am never leaving you. I promise you." He kissed her head. "Go home and have lunch with your mommy and grandparents and I will call you tonight. Promise."

He gently placed her in my arms, and she wrapped her legs around me. She was still crying softly, and I was barely keeping it together. We needed to leave. I hurriedly brushed past Joe and didn't respond to his goodbyes. Sophia called out to him once more, but I quickly shut the door once she was in the car. I felt the slightest twinge of guilt about that, but I was done playing second to Saint Joe. Sophia would have always known him if he hadn't broken my heart. And I was tired of acting like everything was just perfect between the two of us simply because I did the right thing and let him into our lives.

.

I was so relieved to see Dickie's car in front of my house. Could it really have been only days since we were engaged? I jumped out of the car and ran straight up to him as he came out onto the porch. He embraced me tightly and stroked my hair.

"What's going on, Steph? Where's Sophia?"

"She's in the car. Shit! Just a minute." I ran back over to the car and opened the back door. Sophia gave me a bewildered look and then she started crying again. "Mommy's so sorry, baby. I didn't lock you in. You could have gotten out. I thought you knew that."

"You said not to get out by myself," she cried angrily.

Dickie came over and lifted her out of the car. He kissed her cheek. "There's my favorite girl! I was worried you weren't here."

She smiled shyly at him. "Mommy forgot me," she pouted.

I would have rolled my eyes at her except that she was right.

Dickie kissed her cheek again. "Well, I didn't forget you. I'm so glad to see you again. Did you have a good morning?"

"Uh-huh. I went to church with my daddy and wi-" She stopped suddenly and blinked at Dickie. "Are you still going to be my new daddy?"

"Definitely." He smiled at both of us and started carrying her towards the house. "Is that okay with you?"

She looked back at me over his shoulder. "Do I get two daddies?"

I laughed as I caught up with them. "Yep. You get to have two daddies."

She squealed in delight, causing Dickie to flinch. "Do I get to call you daddy too?"

He stopped and faced me. "I don't know. Mommy, what should Sophia call me?" he asked innocently, but I could see that he was very serious.

"Um…" I swallowed. Calling them both 'daddy' would be confusing and probably not go over very well with Joe. "How about you call him …" I paused, thinking frantically of another term. Nothing was left. Papa was already taken. Father was horribly formal. "How about DD?"

They both frowned.

"For Daddy Dickie. That's two D's."

Sophia mouthed 'Daddy Dickie' and then smiled. "DD!" She kissed him on the cheek and hugged him.

Dickie smiled at her, but I couldn't tell if he was really okay with that.

.

.

.

* * *

Please review! I really do listen to what you have to say. That little scene with Grandma Mazur was prompted from a comment in a review last chapter! (Thanks, jwil625!)


	11. Chapter 10

A/N: Thank you, Julie, for your spectacular beta skills. I added a little something you suggested. :)

Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing. I know I have been slow with posting, and I'm sorry.

Last chapter lost like 100 readers from the normal amount. Are there like 50 of you that read it more than once? That's super cool. But otherwise, I hope I'm not losing people. I promise that eventually this all leads somewhere. That being said, this isn't the chapter that does that. All right, I'll shut it.

Wait. One more thing. In case you may have forgotten, it is 1999 at this point in the story.

.

* * *

**A Change In Me**

**Chapter Ten**

* * *

.

After lunch with my parents, Dickie walked with us to the park so Sophia could play. I wanted her to pass out because I had every intention of going home with Dickie that evening. It had been a long week, and I was ready for a break.

We sat on a bench and watched Sophia run around the playground.

"Watch me, DD!" she shouted as she hopped up onto the smaller swings. "Look how high I can go!"

"Wow!" he shouted at her and then smiled at me.

I took his hand and leaned into his shoulder. "I needed this."

"Something going on? Is Joe giving you trouble?"

"No. I'm just a little overwhelmed dealing with the whole sharing thing."

He kissed the top of my head. "Once we are all living together, things will settle down. Speaking of … I think we need to set a date."

"Really? I haven't even thought about that yet. What were you thinking?"

"Spring? Maybe May?"

"That's not a lot of time."

"It's plenty of time. You know I already talked to your father about expenses. Don't worry about anything, you just pick out what you want."

I peaked up at him. "You spoil me."

"I like taking care of what's mine."

I rolled my eyes at him.

"I still want to adopt Sophia. Have you talked to Joe about it?"

The smile fell from my face and I turned back to watch Sophia. "No. I don't think he's going to go for that."

"You know I can adopt her before we are married."

I pulled away from him. "I can't do that to him, Dickie. And even if you did adopt Sophia, it wouldn't erase Joe from her life. From _our_ lives. Do you really want it to be an ongoing battle when it comes to her?"

He gave me a tight smile. "No. You're right. You shouldn't have told him."

I leaned back against him. "Well, I did. And now we have to deal with it."

He didn't respond for several minutes. "I have a dinner party next weekend that I need you to come to."

"Okay. That sounds fun."

"Mommy!" Sophia screamed as she ran to us. "Did you see?"

I smiled brightly. "Did I see what, bug?"

"I hopped off the swing!"

"Wow, you're so brave. Was it scary?"

"No, it was fun." She jumped up and down several times. "Fun! Fun! Fun!"

Dickie laughed. "What did she eat earlier?"

"I think Mom slipped her some cake."

"Cake! Yummy! Yummy!" She spun around several times and fell to the ground.

We both stayed quiet, not wanting to instigate any tears.

She smiled, apparently unhurt. "I gotta go potty."

"Okay, bug. Let's go."

.

I walked her over to the community restrooms. I hated using them, but I kept a small container of antibacterial soap on me. I always cleaned the toilet seats before I let her use them. She was doing a fairly aerobic potty dance as I prepared her seat.

"You having fun with DD?"

"Uh-huh." She nodded as I lifted her onto the toilet. "Do I still get to talk to Daddy tonight?"

"Of course."

"Will Daddy move into DD's house with us?"

I pulled back in surprise. "No, Sophie. Daddy has his own place. Remember?"

"But I get two daddies!"

"Are you going?" I tilted my head down toward the toilet.

"Oops." She smiled and then closed her eyes to relax.

"Sophie, did someone tell you that Daddy didn't want you?"

She opened her eyes and bit her lip. "I dunno."

She was lying. My child had no idea that she was trying to con the master. "You can tell me, bug. I'm not mad. I just want you to know that it's not true. Daddy didn't know about you because I kept you a … surprise. Daddy was gone and I wanted to tell him about you when he came home."

She giggled. And finally peed. "I'm a surprise?"

"You were. Now Daddy knows you and he loves you."

"Okay."

Well, if only all of life's problems were so quickly solved.

I cleaned her up and placed her back on her feet. "Pull up your pants so we can wash our hands."

I held her up to the sink as she washed her hands. I wanted to know now more than ever who told her that Joe didn't want her. "Did Auntie Val tell you that Daddy didn't want you?"

"No." She skipped over to the blowers and held her hands up, waiting for me to push the button.

I frowned as I stood over her, hand poised over the button. "Who told you, Sophia?"

She grimaced at me and waved her hands like I didn't know she was waiting to dry them.

"Who?" I pressed.

"I dunno." She looked away from me.

I wasn't going to get anywhere with her without causing a major meltdown. And the last thing I wanted to deal with was a tantrum. So I let it drop.

.

**OoOoO**

.

I was a nervous wreck by the time Dickie picked me up for the dinner party. I had not met any of his co-workers, and now I was meeting them as his fiancée. I was sure that they would wonder just who I was, getting Dickie to propose so quickly. And then I worried that they would think I was just looking for a meal ticket since I had a child.

He smiled at me as I walked out onto the porch, buttoning up my coat. "You look like I'm taking you to your execution."

"More like a cross examination. They are all lawyers after all."

"They will love you. In fact, they already love you. They think you have been a good influence on me." He pulled me to him and kissed me. "You are a good influence on me." He pushed his erection into my stomach.

"Geez, Dickie. Keep it in your pants. We're on my parents' front porch."

"I can't help it. You look so sexy." He rubbed up against me again and groaned in frustration. "We have to get going."

.

We pulled into a ridiculously fancy neighborhood, not too far from where Dickie lived, but definitely in the next income bracket. It even had a gate with a guard. I kept fidgeting with my scarf as we got closer to the lit up house with all the cars in front. I was surprised that there wasn't a valet.

Dickie helped me out and kissed my cheek once more. "This is Ted and Felicia's house. He's a junior partner, and I hope to have his job some day." He flashed me a mischievous smirk. "Soon."

"So does that mean he would be fired?"

He chuckled. "No. It means that we could live in a house like this. It has nothing to do with Ted. He's a non-equity partner, and I would actually like to eventually be an equity partner, but that will take some time. And probably some forced retirements to take place. But first I need to make junior partner."

"Oh." I nodded even though I knew nothing about how law firms worked.

Not too surprising, there were staff working the party, one to take your coat and another to lead you to the festivities. I took in the fancy artwork and furniture and wondered if this was really the type of home I wanted to have. Sure, it was beautiful and spacious, but it didn't feel that much like a home to me. I tried to picture Sophia twirling around in one of her impromptu ballet performances. That would only end in disaster in a home that felt more like a museum. I definitely didn't want to raise children someplace they couldn't play.

Dickie led me through several groups of people, standing around and chatting with small plates of hors d'oeuvres and fancy glasses of various drinks. They all smiled and greeted us, the women scanning my navy blue dress with an appraising eye. I swallowed back my nerves as I returned their smiles, probably mirroring their fakeness.

Finally we arrived in front of a short man and his wife, who was wearing enough jewelry for three people.

Dickie gestured to them. "Ted, Felicia, this is my fiancée Stephanie. Stephanie, this is Ted and Felicia Ryder, the hosts of this wonderful evening."

I gave them my most impressed-looking smile. "This is a beautiful home. It's such a pleasure to meet you."

Ted tilted his head towards his wife. "It's all Felicia. She's the mastermind behind all the interior design. I just hand her my credit card and hope I don't come home to fluorescent green walls."

They all tittered at his comment, so I joined in too.

Felicia quickly whisked me away from Dickie and introduced me to several other wives. I noticed that there weren't any female attorneys present.

"So does Kreiner not hire women?" I asked a Mrs. Smith, an older woman who had a quick wit and easy laugh. She seemed the least likely to be offended by my inquiry.

"Oh, heavens no." She shook her head. "That old fart is as traditional as they come."

I giggled at her remark. "I haven't met him yet."

"Don't be worried. He's a softy underneath it all. He and George, my husband, go back years. I used to baby-sit his son, who is standing over there looking down Rita's dress."

I discreetly swiveled my head to see the younger Mr. Kreiner. "Is that his wife?"

"No. And his father would smack him upside his head if he saw that. His wife is the pregnant woman over there." She flicked her eyes to the right. "Tiffany."

"Oh." I looked around the room and noticed Dickie talking with a pretty brunette. "Who is that?"

"Diane. She has been after your man for a while."

I frowned at that. "Isn't she married?"

"She's Mr. Kreiner's personal assistant. The only one here who isn't at least an associate. The Ryder's are a pretentious couple and they never invite any of the other staff. She must have brought Mr. Kreiner tonight."

"Oh. Do I have anything to worry about?" I smiled nervously. "About Dickie."

She looked away from me, towards my fiancé, who was laughing with Diane. "Not from her." She turned back to me quickly, a bright smile on her face. "Now, you should meet Anne Morgan. She's closer to you in age, and I'm sure she'd be thrilled to have another younger wife to get to know."

"Okay, that would be great. No offense, but I do feel like I'm about ten years too soon to be here."

She smiled warmly. "None taken."

I did meet Ann Morgan, who was very sweet, if not a little bit of a doormat. She was so quiet that we mostly sat in silence until Dickie came by and stole me away to meet his bosses, the Kreiners.

Kreiner Sr. was very kind, and he immediately warmed up to me. He even asked to see pictures of Sophia, something no one else had done. Of course, my pictures were in my purse, but he summoned a server to get it for me. It only took a few minutes before we were looking at my favorite recent pictures of Sophia, one from the night she met Joe. He winked at me when I stuttered over who Joe was, but he didn't make any comments.

Kreiner Jr., on the other hand, was exactly the opposite of his father. His eyes, more often than not, roamed across my body rather than stay on my face. Dickie didn't seem to notice, thankfully, but he did disappear with Kreiner Jr. before we sat down to dinner. I had a bad feeling about what they were doing. I noticed a couple other younger lawyers returned with them to the large dining room, all looking jumpy and with dilated eyes. I made a mental note to ask Dickie about it later.

.

Once we were back in Dickie's car, I turned to him and gave him a serious look. "What were you doing with that douche bag Kreiner Jr.?"

He gave me a curious look before starting the car and pulling onto the lane. "I assume you mean because he was ogling you?" He huffed. "What do you expect, when you wear something low-cut like that? Stephanie, you're an amazingly attractive woman, and Eric is a normal man."

I looked down, but couldn't see anything with my coat and scarf. "And you're okay with him basically undressing me with his eyes right in front of you?"

"No. But he is my boss, and I know you would never let him do anything inappropriate."

"Inappropriate? I think _that_ was inappropriate!" I crossed my arms and snuggled back into the heated seat. "And you're avoiding the question. Where did you go?"

"We went to the study."

"And?"

"And nothing you need to worry about. Boys being boys, that's all."

"Dickie, I know I can be a little naïve, but it looked like you had been …" I frowned, a little afraid to outright accuse him of doing drugs.

"I was drinking, Stephanie. It was a spectacular bottle of absinthe. I don't even know where he got it."

I looked out the window to gather my thoughts. Something felt off, but I didn't really know if alcohol could make someone look the way he had. "You didn't smell like you had been drinking."

"I didn't drink that much - I couldn't. I would've been in the hospital." He reached over and grabbed my hand, waiting for me to look at him. "I won't do it again if it makes you upset."

I bit my lip, considering if I wanted to press the matter. "You promise?"

"Of course."

"Isn't that stuff illegal anyway? What are a bunch of lawyers doing with illegal substances?"

He brought my hand up to his lips and kissed it. "We can be a reckless group. But don't worry. I will keep my distance from Eric if that is what you want. I just wanted to help my career."

I sighed. "It's not that I want you to stay away from him. I just don't like him. Or trust him."

"Noted. And I will keep him away from you from now on if that will help you feel better."

"Thank you."

.

It wasn't until after we had made love, and I was almost asleep that Dickie turned to me with a frown. "I would prefer you to not have pictures of Joe in your purse."

I blinked at him, and stifled a yawn. "I'm sorry. He gave it to me when I took her to see him this week."

"Don't you have a picture of the three of us?"

"I think so. Maybe from her birthday." I rolled away from him and tucked my hands under my pillow.

"How do you think it made me feel to see you showing my boss pictures of your ex and not have one picture of me?" He pulled me back towards him and leaned over me.

"I do have a picture of you – the one with us at the pier. It's one of my favorite pictures. But Mr. Kreiner was looking at pictures of Sophia."

He glared at me. "That's not the point, and you know it." He flopped back down on his side of the bed. "Fine. Go to sleep, Stephanie. I can see how it's going to be."

"How what's going to be?" I sat up and shifted to face him. I was so tired! I could hardly think straight. "Please don't be mad at me. I will remove the picture as soon as I get home." I crawled over to him and straddled him. "You know I love you."

"Do you?" He stared at me, a hard look on his face.

"_Do_ I?" I shook my head and then leaned down and kissed him. "I'm marrying you, aren't I?" I sat up and smiled. "I make love to you." I kissed him again. "I plan on making you a very happy man, Dickie Orr, for the rest of your life."

He grabbed my hips, a small smile tugging at his lips. "The rest of my life? I think I need a retainer."

"A retainer?" I smiled. "You mean like a _down_ payment?" I smirked as I slowly shifted my body down his, clearly making my way to his growing erection.

"That could work." He helped me shove his sleep pants down, and then I put him in a better mood. I was beyond exhausted by the time I laid back down to go to sleep.

.

**OoOoO**

.

The next few weeks were hectic, constantly trying to juggle everyone's schedules and letting everyone spend time with Sophia. I still wasn't completely comfortable leaving her alone with Joe, and I think he preferred me to stay with them as well. Watching him with her always brought a smile to my face. Our time together was easy and fun. Everything I had hoped it to be when I was pregnant and still in love with Joe.

Joe surprised me by offering to keep Sophia overnight on my birthday. He said that he figured that Dickie would have something planned for me. It was too difficult for me to agree, so I chickened out and told him I'd think about it. She had never spent the night away from home without me.

Then I took her to see him on one Saturday. Joe greeted us at the door with a childish grin.

"There's my girl," he said happily and then carefully scooped her up into his arms. He was still using a walking boot, but he hoped to be out of it in the next couple of weeks.

"Daddy!" Sophia kissed his cheeks repeatedly, earning several barks of laughter from him.

Joe turned back into his apartment and carried her in, leaving me standing in the door.

I scowled at them and huffed. "Oh hi, Stephanie," I said snottily. "Thank you for bringing Sophia to me once again. I know you're busy too, but it's so much easier for you to bring her to me instead of me coming to see her. That way you can fight with her to go to bed after she has fallen asleep in the car."

"Steph?" Joe asked, leaning around the corner and looking down the small entryway. "You talking to yourself?"

"No," I snapped.

"You can come in." He smiled at me, and I rolled my eyes at him. "But leave whoever you were talking to in the hall." He smirked at me and then disappeared within his apartment.

"Ugh!" I sighed loudly and then entered his apartment. I had brought one of Sophia's movies with me for us to watch. I had probably seen 'Bumblebott's Great Adventure' one thousand times, and I had plans to "accidentally" leave it at Joe's. That brought a smile to my face.

I walked into the small living room, expecting to find my daughter, but no one was there.

"Joe? Sophie?"

"In here," Joe called from the small den off to the left.

I flopped down on the couch and waited for them to come back out.

"Mommy," Sophia yelled excitedly. "Come here!"

"You come here," I returned.

"NO! You come here!"

"Nope. Not moving from the couch!"

"Mommy! Come here! It's a surprise!"

I looked up at the ceiling before hoisting myself back up and making my way over to the arched doorway. "What is it, So-"

I stopped in the doorway. Joe had turned his office den into a little girl's dream bedroom, complete with a pink ruffled duvet and flower-shaped pillows.

Joe stood up and gestured with a sweep of his arms. "What do you think?"

"I … uh ….wow." I looked around and noticed the small bookshelf with toys and books filling the shelves. He didn't miss a thing.

"There's no closet, but I figured she wouldn't really need one here. But I did get her some drawers." He pointed next to me to a small set of white drawers painted with pink and purple flowers.

"Isn't it pretty, Mommy?"

"Yeah, bug. It's great." I smiled at her, but I was a little overwhelmed.

He made her a bedroom. How could I tell her that she couldn't stay here now? Sophia wasn't stupid. She knew what a bed was for. She'd expect to stay over. She already complained about going home when we visited. And I had never even done this for her. I had never made her such a beautiful room that was all her own.

Joe crossed over to me. "You okay with this? I thought if I was going to start keeping her, then she should have her own space."

I looked up into his eyes. I wanted to be angry, but it melted away the moment our eyes locked. He looked so worried about my reaction. And I hadn't missed how proud he had been just minutes before. He was just being a good father.

I smiled back at him. "I didn't realize you were so serious about having her stay over."

"I just …" He took a deep breath. "I love her so much. I want to be more than just this guy who is only there for good times and special occasions." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I mean, I love having fun with her. But I want more than that."

I nodded and then looked over to watch Sophia playing on her new bed. "You should keep her this week on my birthday."

His whole face lit up. "Really? You're sure?"

"I told you I'd think about it."

"You told me that to put off telling me no."

I pursed my lips. "And you did this to what? Force my hand?"

"No. I did this because I want to be a bigger part of her life."

"I know. She's never been apart from me and my parents."

He smiled. "You can call anytime and talk to her."

"I probably will. So don't be mad if I wake you up in the middle of the night just to hear her breathe."

He chuckled. "No problem."

.

**OoOoO**

.

The night of my birthday, Dickie took me to one of the most expensive restaurants in town. He even bought me a fancy dress to wear. It was dark green and did wonderful things for my body. Dickie was very appreciative and promised to show me exactly how much after dinner.

We were just finishing up with our food when Dickie handed me a box that wasn't very big, but it had some weight to it. So not jewelry.

I smiled at him and held it up to shake it lightly. "Can I open it now?"

"Of course." He leaned over and kissed my cheek. "Happy birthday, Stephanie."

I anxiously tore into the package and discovered a box that said Nokia on the side. "What is this?"

"It's a phone." He smirked as he wriggled his brows. "The better to keep tabs on you with."

"The better to get me in bed with! Oh my God! A cell phone?"

"A cell phone. It's just like mine so I know it works well. The woman at the store told me it's been the most popular phone they have ever sold."

"Is it ready for me to use?"

He chuckled as he pulled the box from me. "Yes. I had her set everything up today. You're phone number is written on the handbook in the box." He opened it up and handed me the small dark gray phone.

I giggled as I turned it on. I knew a little about how to operate it already since it was just like his. "Can I call you?"

He gave me an amused grin. "If you must."

"Yay!" I quickly punched in his number and squealed when his name popped up. "It's already in here!"

"And it's saved on your speed dial."

"What number is it under?"

"One, of course."

I rolled my eyes at him and hit the green button.

He laughed as he fished his phone from his pocket and answered. "Hello?"

"Hi!" I said into my phone.

"I'm sorry, I can't talk right now. I'm having dinner with the sexiest woman."

"That's okay. I'm just calling to tell you that I need to go home and make love to my fiancé."

Dickie ended the call and held up his hand. "Check please."

.

I rolled away from Dickie and picked up my new phone. I glanced back over my shoulder. He was out cold. I smiled to myself as I snuck into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I turned on my phone, holding my hand over it to muffle the sounds. It was after midnight so I wondered if Joe would answer. Only one way to find out.

I dialed Joe's number and waited for him to pick up. On the fourth ring, he did.

"Hello?" he whispered sleepily.

"Hey, it's Steph," I whispered back.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine, but I just wanted to … make sure Sophie was good."

He yawned and I frowned as I fought off my own yawn.

"Joe?" I whispered after a moment of silence.

"Did you hear her?" he asked.

"Hear what?"

He laughed softly and then I heard the phone press against something. I could barely hear what he was saying. "Shhh…. It's okay. Go back to sleep, baby."

I felt like ice had just been poured over me. Was he with a woman? "Joe?" I called into the phone and then immediately looked up at the closed bathroom door. "Joe?" I asked again more quietly. The last thing I wanted was to wake up Dickie and then explain this call.

"Well, you woke her up." He turned away again. "Yes, baby. It's Mommy. You wanna say hi to her."

"Uh-huh," Sophia answered sweetly.

I sighed in relief. Relief that Joe had not brought a woman around Sophia. It had nothing to do with him lying in bed with another woman, probably naked, his body wrapped around hers. His muscular arms holding her tight. Nope. Not going to think about that anymore.

"Mommy?"

I smiled again. I hadn't realized how much I missed her. "Hi, bug. You being a good girl for Daddy?"

"I sleepy, Mommy." She was still half-asleep. "Daddy's a carrot." She giggled. "I'm a …." She snored softly into the phone.

"She's asleep again. Give me a second, Cupcake" Joe whispered.

I froze. I didn't think he realized what he called me. But I was also surprised that I didn't feel any stab of anger at hearing it. I sighed again as I waited for him to return, but it had nothing to do with relief. It was the feeling each time we were with each other. It lingered in the back of my mind, like a shadow that disappeared each time I mentally tried to shine some light on it. It wasn't happy or sad, but maybe somewhere in between.

"Sorry, I didn't want to keep waking her. I think she's sleeping lightly since it's a new place."

"Probably. So she's been good, no tantrums or crying fits?"

"No. She's been great, perfect actually … until bed time."

"Oh really?"

"She's in my bed. She refused to sleep in her room." He huffed. "Go ahead, make fun."

I giggled. "She's used to sharing a room, Joe. She still sometimes climbs into bed with me."

"Well, I tried to get her to stay in her room. I even … God, I can't believe I did this. I even sang to her that stupid song from 'Bumblebott's Great Adventure', which somehow found its way into my couch cushions last weekend."

"So that's where that went?" I asked innocently, knowing that he very well knew what I had done.

"Nice. And after watching it two times tonight, I can't say I blame you."

"So you _sang_? I didn't know you were a singer."

"Well, I must not be because she still wouldn't go to bed. Then I bribed her."

"Candy or cake?"

"What?"

"Candy or cake? It's the quickest way to get her to behave."

"You have no shame at all, do you?"

"I have a daughter who loves cake more than I do. That's way too powerful a tool to ignore."

He laughed quietly, his voice low and rough from sleep. "Well, I tried money. It didn't work."

"Not surprised. Four year olds just don't value the dollar these days. Something about not being able to do math, I think. Or maybe she just would rather eat her bribe." We both chuckled. "So then what?"

"Then nothing. I gave up. It's not weird that she's sleeping with me, is it?"

"I hope not. She's your child, Joe. And she's still very little. I think we're good for a couple more years."

"Okay. Well, then I admit that a small part of me thought it was sweet she wanted to stay with me."

"Awe. Your such a softy with her – AAH!" My heart leapt out of my chest as I turned around to see Dickie standing over me. He had placed a hand firmly on my shoulder and his eyes were narrowed.

"Stephanie? Stephanie, are you okay?" Joe's voice sounded through my phone, hanging limp at my side.

I put the phone back up to my face but I kept my eyes on Dickie. "I'm fine. Just … I woke up Dickie. I gotta go. I'll see you in the morning." I hung up without waiting to hear him say goodbye. "What the hell, Dickie?"

"I could say the same thing. Enjoying your new phone? It's nice to see that you called Joe as soon as possible."

I stood up and placed my hands on his crossed arms. "Stop. I was calling to check on Sophia. You know that."

"After midnight?"

"Well," I started, with the intent of telling him I was free to call whoever I wanted whenever I wanted. But I would rather have him happy than be right. I tilted my head and looked up at him through my lashes. "Someone kept me out and then kept me busy when we got back so I hadn't had time to call," I said flirtatiously.

He sighed tiredly but I could feel his arms relax. "Just come back to bed. We'll take her to breakfast in the morning." He opened his arms to embrace me and kissed my forehead. "Joe should come too. It's time we meet."

.

**OoOoO**

.

The next morning I called Joe to let him know the new plan of going out to breakfast. He seemed a little put out that instead of the three of us it would be the four of us. I was already dreading it, except that I was desperate to see my little girl. It was strange that I was so eager to see her. It wasn't as if I had never spent the night away from her. But it had been the first time I didn't tuck her in or wake her up. And I think I wanted to see first hand that she was content with staying over at Joe's.

Joe agreed to meet us at Pat's Diner on the corner of Broad and Stanton. It was a pretty good place, not too expensive and not too fancy, filled with regular customers. Dickie had never heard of it so I offered to drive.

"Oooh, let me drive your car! It can be part of my birthday gift," I said excitedly and kissed him for good measure.

"Steph," he complained, "I don't let anyone drive my car."

"Pleeeease," I begged, batting my lashes at him.

He smiled and rolled his eyes, a sign he had been spending so much time with me. "Fine."

"Yay!"

We quickly made it to the car, and I smirked as I adjusted the seat to fit me better. Then I excitedly revved up the engine.

"Really, Stephanie?"

"Sorry." I made my way towards the Burg as Dickie frowned on the passenger side of the car.

"Why are you sitting that way?" he asked, annoyed.

"Sitting what way?" I looked over at him and made a funny face. "Sitting in the driver's seat of your awesome car?" I smiled and faced the road again.

"No, with your back arched like that." He gestured over at me. "You look like you're sticking your chest out."

"Are you kidding me right now?" I quickly looked over at him and then made the next turn.

"No. Why would I?"

"I don't know. I don't understand what you're saying." This was the strangest turn in conversation. Then I realized he probably thought I messed up his seat position for him. "The seat will go back, you know."

"I know that, Stephanie. I would not have let you drive if I didn't want to." He looked over at me, a slight sneer on his face. "Are you trying to get attention from the other drivers?"

"No." I slouched back into my seat a little. I had never even thought about how I sat. I had been driving since I got my permit at fifteen, over six years ago. Not once had I realized that I looked like I was pushing my chest out. I glanced at Dickie, but he was turned away from me, still frowning. "I didn't realize …"

He grabbed my hand and turned back to me with a smile. "It's fine, Steph. I shouldn't have said anything."

I nodded and then looked back to the road again, gripping his hand more tightly.

I could see Sophia bouncing in her booth seat through the window when we walked up to the diner. I tapped on the window and I could hear her scream for me. Joe's eyes met mine as he placed a finger over her mouth to shush her.

Dickie grabbed my hand as we made our way to the table. He had not said much about Joe lately, but I knew he had to have been a little insecure about his role in our lives. I wanted them to get along, even though I didn't expect them to ever be friends. I tugged his arm and pulled closer to him, giving him a light squeeze. He kissed the top of my head and patted my hand.

We stopped at the booth, and I smiled at Sophia. "Hey, bug!"

Sophia looked to Joe, who nodded, and then she jumped up and into my arms. "Mommy! I missed you soooooo much!"

I kissed her sweet little cheeks repeatedly, ignoring my questions about that little checking with Joe thing she had just done. "I missed you too. You remember talking to me last night?"

"Uh-huh." She smiled a toothy grin and then shook her head no. "No, I don't."

I shifted her to my hip after one more kiss. "That's okay."

"Hi, DD!"

"Sophia, my favorite girl!"

She lunged into his arms, and I surreptitiously watched Joe's reaction.

Nothing.

_Too nothing. _

It looked like it was his cop face. Hmmm.

"Joe, I'd like you to meet Dickie, my fiancé."

Joe leaned over and offered his hand. "It's nice to meet you. I'd get up, but the leg is still healing." He gave me a small smirk and then sat back after shaking Dickie's hand.

"It's good to meet you too. I hope you don't mind me changing the plans for today." Dickie gave Sophia a peck on the cheek before sitting her back down next to Joe.

"Of course not. I'm glad we are finally getting to know each other." I watched Joe closely. He appeared to mean what he was saying, except I didn't believe it. Something in the way his shoulders were squared told me that he had already made up his mind about Dickie, and it wasn't good.

"Me too." Dickie let me slide into the other side of the booth, across from Joe. "After all, we will all be parenting Sophia." He sat next to me and placed his arm over my shoulders. I could tell he was trying to mark me as his.

Joe took a deep breath. "Yes. We will."

Thankfully, the waitress showed up quickly. Since we hadn't really jumped into any conversation, we had all been staring at the menus and were ready to order. Well, Sophia had been coloring on her menu, and thankfully, she seemed clueless to the subtle tension in the air.

Dickie placed his menu down and smiled at the waitress. "I'll have the number five, over easy, toast dry." He looked at me. "I think you'd like the number three, Steph."

I looked back at my menu. I had planned on getting the five as well. "I think I'll get the five too." I smiled at the waitress and handed her the menu.

Dickie added, "She will take her eggs scrambled and also with dry toast."

I kept the smile on my face. Dickie had not kept up the ordering for me thing after I had mentioned it bothering me. But I felt this was for Joe's benefit. I could feel his eyes on me. I glanced up at him, and he gave me a very subtle lift of his brows.

Joe kissed the top of Sophia's head. "Remember which one you wanted, princess?"

"I want … friends toast!"

"French toast," Dickie inserted with a smile. "It's called French toast, sweetie."

"Okay," Sophia answered with a shrug.

Joe flashed me another cryptic grin and then placed their orders.

Dickie reached out just as the waitress was walking away. "This will all be on one check."

Joe leaned back in the booth, a gracious smile on his face. "Thank you, Dickie. That is very generous of you." I watched him closely, but he wouldn't look at me.

"Of course. It's nothing," Dickie said dismissively. He sat back, and placed his arm back around my shoulders, this time pulling me towards him.

Breakfast went how I thought it would. Polite, but awkward. It was a good thing that we all loved Sophia, and it was a better thing that she loved being the center of attention. Joe and Dickie did the whole job discussion for a few minutes. I had hoped that since they were both in law, they would have more in common. Not so much. And I noticed that Joe kept his eyes from mine throughout breakfast. It was weird, but I figured he must have been showing Dickie that he respected our relationship.

When we headed out to the parking lot, Joe went to his car to get Sophia's bag.

"Daddy! I wanna stay with you," Sophia called from my arms. It always felt like something slicing through me when she wanted him over me.

Joe turned back to us to deal with her, but Dickie scooped her away. He gave her the sucker he bought at the register and opened the back door. "Sophia, be a good girl and get in your seat. Mommy and DD will be right with you." She started to pout, but he pointed to the sucker now hanging out of her mouth. "You like your sucker?"

"Mm-hmmm," she murmured over the candy, nodding her head.

"In you go," he said cheerfully and deposited her in the car, shutting the door before she could protest.

I turned around, expecting to see Joe, but he had already gone back to his car on the other side of the lot. Suddenly, Dickie whipped me around and placed his hands on my face.

He kissed me softly and then pulled back. "I look forward to the day when we will all be going home together."

I grinned at him. "You mean Joe too?" I teased.

His eyes flickered in annoyance, then he pulled me to him more forcefully and kissed me hard. Once he released me, he gave me a smug smile. "I mean our family."

Joe cleared his throat from behind me, and I turned around, still within Dickie's embrace. Joe had his cop face back on, and I could see that his jaw was twitching. He did a really good job of smiling as he handed me the bag. But that was the thing; it was definitely work for him to do it. Almost without stopping, he made his way to Dickie's car and tapped the window, blowing Sophia a kiss. And then he practically bolted away from us.

.

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* * *

Okay, thank you for reading. And if you are one of those missing readers or repeaters - leave me a review this time!

Pat's Diner is real! Absinthe was still very much illegal at this time as well. Now, it's not. Have you tried it?


	12. Chapter 11

A/N: Julie, you rock. That is all.

Everyone else, sorry for the delay.

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* * *

**A Change In Me **

**Chapter Eleven**

* * *

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Somehow, I managed to convince Sophia that we were sticking with her Belle dress for Halloween. Of course, it didn't hurt that Joe agreed with me. Pretty much anything Joe said was right in Sophia's mind. It was driving me crazy. But Joe, for the most part, wanted to keep peace between us so it really was more on principle that I was annoyed.

Halloween night, Val came over to see Sophia dressed up. She was only a few weeks from her due date, and I sort of loved seeing her waddle through the house. They were in my room while I was finishing up my own costume. I could just see them when I peaked out the door.

"Oh, Sophie! You look just like Belle!" she gushed as Sophia twirled around in her dress.

"Thank you, Auntie Val! You like my gloves? Mommy said they make it perfect." Sophie stuck out her little arms now covered with long golden yellow gloves. Not only did they really make her costume complete, but they would help keep her warm.

"Oooh, those are so pretty. And did your mommy do your hair?" she asked in disbelief.

I came in from the bathroom where I had been putting on the last of my makeup. "Hey! I can hear you! Yes, I did her hair."

"Stop being so –" She stopped and gaped at me as I entered my room.

"What? Is it too much?" I gestured down to my super cool and expensive Babette costume. Dickie had splurged on our costumes. I couldn't wait to see him as the Beast.

"No! You look great!" She smiled really broadly and then tried to get up from my bed.

I quickly helped her up. "Thanks. I've never dressed up in a designer costume before. It's kind of awesome."

"Dickie is going to love this, Steph. I can't wait to see the three of you together. What a great idea! Oh, I can't wait to play dress up with this little one."

"When's the baby come out?" Sophia asked, like she did every single time she saw Val.

"Just a few more weeks," Val answered, rubbing her large belly. "Hey, maybe I can borrow that from you next year?" she asked me.

"Sure." I gave her a funny look. "You think you're going to be able to fit in it?"

Immediately, her eyes started to water. "I'm so fat!" She started crying.

"Valerie! You're not fat. You are nine months pregnant. Do you remember how big I was? And I lost the weight. You will too. I'm sorry. Please stop crying."

Sophia came over to me and clung to my legs. She looked up at me and I could see she was moments from crying too. "Sophie, don't worry about Auntie Val. She's fine."

"But she's crying really loud, Mommy."

"I know, bug. Sometimes pregnant women cry." I looked up at Val and gave her a glare.

"Your mommy is right, Sophie." She sniffed dramatically a few times, but thankfully, she stopped the sobbing. "I'm fine."

"Steph!" Mom called up the stairs. "Your phone is ringing!"

I quickly made my way down the stairs to get my phone. Mom handed it to me while it was still ringing. Her eyes widened as she took in my costume, especially the bustier portion that was showcasing my chest quite nicely.

I rolled my eyes at her and answered, "Hello?"

"Hey, I have something to take care of tonight." It was Dickie. He sounded all business.

"It's Halloween, Dickie. We're all ready to go."

"Stephanie, it's a big case and the judge could care less if I took time off to go trick-or-treating. Bring her by the office so I can see you both."

"Okay, we will come by later – if you're still there."

"Just call me before you head over. In case I'm already home."

"Will you still dress up tonight?"

"I didn't know you were into that kind of thing, Steph. Would that be some form of bestiality?"

"Ewww! No! For some pictures!" I looked up at my mom who was still standing close by and listening. "I will call you when we get done trick-or-treating."

"Okay. I'll see you later. Love you."

"Love you." I hung up and sighed. Sometimes Dickie said the weirdest things as jokes. I hoped he wasn't harboring some secret fetish I didn't know about.

Mom arched a brow. "He's not coming?"

"No. He has to work."

"You need to set some boundaries with his work before you get married, Stephanie. He needs to learn that work cannot always come first."

"It's not that simple, Mom. His job is demanding and he has to show them that he is someone worth keeping and promoting."

She shrugged. "Fine. You better get going."

"Princess Belle!" I called up the stairs. "Let's go!"

Sophia came flying down the stairs, and I quickly stopped her before she tumbled at the bottom.

"Candy!" She screamed loudly and jumped up and down.

Valerie eventually made her way downstairs and helped Mom pose us for pictures. Dad offered to come with us after Mom suggested not so subtly that I add a wrap to my costume.

I ignored Mom and turned to my dad. "It's okay, Dad. You've been on your feet all day. We're good."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. You ready, bug?"

"Where's DD?"

"He has to work. But we will go see him later, okay?" I tried to sound as cheerful as possible. It seemed to work since she wasn't too disappointed.

.

I sat Sophia down to review our rules for the night when there was a knock on the door. We needed to get a move on it if there were already trick-or-treaters. I told Mom I would take care of it and crossed over to grab the large bowl of candy.

Opening the door, I was prepared to look down to see some little witch or superhero. I was not prepared to see a tall and handsome prince, decked out in what looked to be some kind of fancy military suit. Holy hotness!

I quickly looked up to see Joe staring back at me with his mouth parted. His eyes were raking over me in appreciation before they came to rest on mine.

"Wow," he breathed. "You look … " He smiled. "You look amazing, Stephanie."

I was completely surprised to see him, but I was even more confused that my heart was ready to beat out of my chest. "Is that your uniform?" I asked breathlessly. I tried not to blush as I recalled a vivid fantasy of mine, á la "An Officer and a Gentleman", that I used to have when I was pregnant.

He grabbed the back of his neck. "Yeah. I took off all the patches and metals. My mom gave me this red sash. Not sure how legal this is." He laughed softly.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, blinking rapidly and trying to calm my nerves.

"I asked to shift my hours around. I didn't want to miss this." He blushed. "Not you. Sophia. I didn't want to miss Halloween with her."

"Thanks," I said sarcastically.

"No, I didn't mean … " He huffed and then the smile was gone. "Where's Dickie?"

"He's not going to be able to make it," I answered as if it was no big deal, even though I was still pretty upset about him canceling.

He smiled quickly and then tried to mask it. "Oh, that's too bad."

"Yeah, you look so upset. So this is your costume?"

"Yes. I thought I'd be the prince – unless we run into another police officer, then I'm a Naval officer."

I bit my lip and tried not to laugh as I took in his embarrassment.

"Where's my Belle?" he asked.

I turned around to find Sophia watching the T.V. "Sophia, you ready to go?"

She jumped up and ran to me and almost into Joe, who was still standing in the door.

"DADDY!" She jumped up into his arms. "You're here! Oh, Daddy, I'm so happy!"

"Of course I'm here, princess. And tonight, I'm your prince." He pulled out a golden crown and placed it on his head, briefly blushing as he caught my wide-eyed gaze.

Sophia went completely silent. Joe looked at me in concern, but I knew her well enough to know that she had reached a point of such joy that she couldn't express herself.

I smiled at him. "She's just overwhelmed. You like that Daddy is your prince, bug?"

She nodded and then gave him a coy smile. Oh brother.

Joe kissed her cheek. "You ready to get some candy?"

She bounced in his arms, but she was still quiet.

I leaned into him and whispered, "Do Naval officers wear crowns these days?"

He flicked his eyes to mine, a mixture of annoyance and amusement on his face. "This one does."

.

**OoOoO**

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It took three houses for Sophia to really start talking again. She loved hearing everyone react to our three costumes. I had to admit that we did look pretty awesome together. And I noticed more than one mom checking out Joe as we passed them on the sidewalks. I couldn't blame them. He looked great. He even had some gel in his hair to give it a more styled look. I preferred his natural look, but it did make him even more the handsome fairytale prince. If only it were true.

Wait. No. I had Dickie, who was better than a fairytale. He was real. Even if he couldn't be here.

Once we made it to Mrs. Morelli's house, Sophia was telling everyone that her daddy was _her_ prince. Joe's mom already thought Sophia was adorable, but she raved when Sophia informed her that she was marrying her daddy. And then she made a huge fuss over their costumes. Yes. Theirs, not mine.

"Thanks for watching Sophia yesterday, Mrs. Morelli," I said brightly as we entered her living room. She wanted pictures too of course.

"She's such a sweet girl – so much like Joseph at that age. He was always so well behaved. And I love having my grandchildren over so don't hesitate to ever ask."

"Ma, I wasn't ever as sweet as Sophia." Joe smiled over a sucker hanging from his mouth as he continued checking Sophia's candy so she could have a piece.

"Of course you were." She waved her hand dismissively as she continued to look for the camera. "Stephanie, where is your fiancé?" she asked as she pulled the camera out of the cupboard, a happy look on her face.

"He had to work."

"Oh, that's too bad. Now, Joseph, don't let her get chocolate on her pretty dress."

"She's fine."

"I want some pictures to remember the first holiday I got to spend with your first child. I've missed so much already. Now stand up and hold her so I can get some close ups."

That wasn't aimed at me at all. Nope. Not at all.

Joe smiled at me and took the candy away from Sophia, who stared at him, wide-eyed. I think this was the first time he had pissed her off. Finally.

Sophia narrowed her eyes at him and crossed her arms. "That's my candy, Daddy. That was not nice!"

"I'm sorry, princess. I'll give it back as soon as Grandma takes some pictures, okay? We don't want to ruin your Belle dress before pictures do we?" He smiled encouragingly at her.

"I already got pictures! I want my candy!"

"Sophia," he said gently as he bent over her, "my mommy hasn't taken any pictures yet."

"I don't care!" She stomped her foot and turned away from him.

Joe looked at me and his mother, surprise on his face. He reached for her again, but she pulled away with another stomp. He growled low in frustration, his easy smile fading into a grimace. I chuckled, but Mrs. Morelli turned to me and shook her head in disapproval.

I sighed. "Sophia, Daddy wasn't trying to be mean." He frowned at me as I held my hand out to him. "Give me the candy."

"Why?"

"Just give it." I stared him down, challenging him to oppose me. He narrowed his eyes and then looked back at Sophia before giving in.

He pulled out the opened mini Snickers bar and handed it to me. I carefully unwrapped it and crouched down next to Sophia. I looked up at Joe to give him a smug smile, but he wasn't looking at my face. I glanced down to see the spectacular view of my chest he was enjoying. Now the smug smile easily stretched across my face as I cleared my throat. Mrs. Morelli snorted in disgust as Joe blinked and stuttered.

"Daddy?" I said sweetly, enjoying his embarrassment. "It would probably be easier to just help her than to, you know … take candy away from a small child." I kissed Sophia's nose, earning a giggle and then carefully fed her the chocolate. I kissed her lips and pretended I could taste the chocolate. "Mmm. Yummy. Thanks for sharing."

"Oh, Mommy! You're so silly."

"Ready for pictures?"

"Uh-huh." She wrapped her arms around my neck and I stood us up, turning back to Joe and Mrs. Morelli.

Mrs. Morelli pursed her lips. She looked back and forth between Joe and me. Joe seemed to have recovered and stepped in closer to us so we could pose for the pictures.

"Go ahead, Ma."

"Sophia, why not let your daddy hold you?"

Joe shared a quick, apologetic look with me.

"No!" Sophia turned and buried her face in my neck. "He's mean!"

Joe's face fell, and I felt the tiniest bit bad for him. I probably should have let him give her the chocolate back. But it had been over a month of Sophia always picking Joe over me. I was ready for it to end.

"Sophia? Princess? I'm sorry," he pleaded. "Please don't be mad."

I rolled my eyes at him. And Mrs, Morelli sighed. I looked at her curiously before turning back to Joe. "You have the right to take candy from her, Joe. Maybe you should have explained it to her first. But that does not excuse her yelling at you or treating you like this." I shifted Sophia to see her face, but she knew what was coming and looked away. "Sophia Grace! You look at me right now."

"Yes, Mommy." She kept her chin down and her bottom lip was jutted forward. This always worked on Joe, and she had forgotten that it did nothing with me.

"Put that lip away."

She gaped at me and then scrunched up her face in anger. Suddenly, I almost dropped her as she started squirming to get down.

"Are we done trick-or-treating?" I asked as I struggled to keep her in place.

"NOOOOO! Let me down, Mommy! We need to go! NOW!"

Joe reached for her and I pulled away. "Stop it right now, Sophia. Right now." I crouched back down and stood her in front of me. I gently took her face in my hands. "You hurt your daddy's feelings. I need you to apologize. Then we are taking pictures. And then we will go back outside. Can we do that?"

"Steph, it's fi-" Joe started.

Both Mrs. Morelli and I cut him off with, "No, it's not." We looked at each other. I noticed a glimmer of respect in her eyes.

She continued, "Stephanie is right, Joseph."

Wow.

"I'm sorry, Daddy," Sophia whimpered. "Am I still your princess?"

Joe hesitated, but I smiled at him. He crouched down next to me. "You will always be my princess, Sophia. And thank you for saying sorry. I love you." He tapped her nose. "You know I just wanted to keep your pretty dress and gloves clean. Daddy will work on explaining things better, and you can work on listening to Mommy and Daddy, okay?"

"Okay. I love you." She kissed his cheek and then kissed mine. "I love you too, Mommy."

"I love you. Now lets get some pictures."

Shockingly, Mrs. Morelli didn't kick me out of the pictures. Of course, I would probably never see them so she may have been cutting me out of the shot. Sophia had wanted Joe to hold her once they made up, and I went back to being old news. It wasn't so bad, though, because I could walk behind them and secretly enjoy the candy. Being only four, Sophia was still kind of a light-weight when it came to trick-or-treating, but that didn't stop me from making Joe carry her to each house until it was time to go home. I refused to call it a night without a full harvest.

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**OoOoO**

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We made it back to my house with Sophia completely wiped out and still in Joe's arms. I had called Dickie, but he didn't answer. I wasn't sure what to do. Sophia was not going to get back up, but I still wanted to get the picture with Dickie. Joe stood in the entryway, waiting for my instructions. My parents were still with Grandma and Grandpa Mazur. I tried calling Dickie one more time. Nothing.

"Let's just go ahead and put her in bed." I gestured to the stairs.

"Okay." He headed up in front of me, and it wasn't until we were at the top that I noticed his butt in my face. I was so distracted wondering about Dickie, I had missed ogling the best ass in Trenton. I felt a mixture of relief and disappointment.

I walked past him and opened my bedroom door. It was weird to think that he had never been up here before. Sometimes I forgot how little of a relationship we had before he left. Despite what Joe thought, he had always been in my mind over the last five years. How could he not have been? I dreamed so many dreams about him in this room, it almost felt like we had lived all those scenes for real. And that was why I was convinced that he really was only a fairytale. I wasn't sure anymore if I loved him or the version of him I had created in my mind to sustain myself all those months leading up to Sophia's birth.

Joe smiled at me as he laid her in her small bed. I came over and kissed her on the forehead.

We both stood next to her and watched her for a moment. It was like I had stepped right into one of those old fantasies.

Joe took my hand and squeezed it. "Thank you," he said softly.

I tried not to yank my hand from him. It kind of felt like the wrong moment to do something like that. So instead, I turned to him and looked up into his eyes. "Thank _you_."

He smiled and then reached up to brush one of my loose curls from my face. "I want you to know that I forgive you for keeping her from me."

I pulled back slightly, surprised at his statement. I had thought we were past that already. "You hadn't already?"

"No. But I don't want to hold onto anger and resentment. It's not going to help us."

"I agree."

He leaned down and looked me straight in the eyes. "Does that mean you forgive me too?"

I did pull my hand free – without even thinking about it. Joe straightened back up and gave me a sad smile. He looked back at Sophia. I just stood watching him, unsure of what to say. I wanted to forgive him, but something kept me from telling him. I didn't feel comfortable. It felt like I was standing on the precipice of a huge pool, swirling with long-forgotten emotions. One dip and I just might drown.

Joe sighed before turning back to me. "I want to tell you what happened before I left."

"It's not going to change anything."

"It might."

"Fine. Let's go downstairs. We'll wake her up if we stay up here."

.

We headed down to the kitchen where I heated up some apple cider. It had been getting chilly by the time we had decided to call it a night. I even had wished I had brought that wrap Mom had suggested, but I would never admit that to her. Especially not after the wonderfully awkward moment with Joe at his mom's house.

I was so confused. Clearly, I was still very much attracted to him. But that was not to be helped. Even all the married women were openly admiring him tonight - in front of their husbands and children! But attraction was not enough for me anymore. I had to think about what was best for me and for Sophia. And I just couldn't risk it. If Joe hurt me again, how could I ever trust him with Sophia? And what if he got tired of playing daddy? I would kill him if he ever betrayed her precious heart. It was too soon to know, and yet it was too late to find out.

Dickie was our future. He was stable. He loved us. He would provide for us. We would have a good life with Dickie. And no matter what Joe said, nothing would change any of that.

I sat across from him and leaned back in my chair, my mug warming my fingers. "Okay, spill."

He laughed as he placed his mug back on the table next to his discarded crown. He sat forward, leaning his elbows on the table. "I guess I wanted you to know that I never intended on just leaving without speaking to you again."

"Yeah, I think you've said that before. Or something like that. Joe, do we really need to rehash what happened?"

He sat back and took a slow drink of his cider, his face revealing that he was thinking about what to start with. Finally, he placed his mug down and looked me straight in the eyes. "I was scared."

"Scared?"

"I was almost nineteen, enlisted in the Navy, no future without it. I …" He sighed heavily. "You were just seventeen."

"And you knooow what I me-ean." I sang softly, trying to lighten him up. Or maybe trying to avoid this conversation. It wasn't as if anything was going to change.

He smirked at me. "And I fell in love with her."

I laughed out loud, purposely avoiding what I thought he was trying to say. "Nice. So what were you scared about?"

"No, Steph. I fell in love with _you_." He scooted his chair closer to mine. "You were this quirky girl who had fascinated me for such a long time. And then I got to know you. And you were so much more. You were so strong and independent, so unaware of how sexy you were. And I fell so hard for you."

"Good," I said brightly, trying to cover how much my mind was racing. "I always told Sophia that she was made from love. Well, when she was in me and when she was a baby. I wouldn't tell her that now. That would just open up an entire conversation I am not ready to have yet. It's really been a miracle that she hasn't asked how exactly the daddies are putting the babies into the mommies. Though I think she thinks it has to do with French kissing. She said something once about Steven putting another baby into Val after she caught them kissing. Maybe it's the tongues? I don't know and I am definitely not asking."

He sat back and smiled at me. "I'm making you nervous."

"Uh, no. Why would you think that?"

"You're rambling. It's cute. And new. You never did this before."

"We barely knew each other before." I recalled quickly all my thoughts about him being the illusion and Dickie being the real thing. I needed to stick with that. "We obviously weren't close enough to be honest with each other. I mean, I loved you, but I didn't tell you. And now you are telling me you loved me, but you proceeded to hook up with that girl." That girl named Becky, who I could still see pressed up against him.

He raked his hands through his gelled hair, causing it to stand almost straight up. I would have laughed if I weren't so upset. "And that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I did love you, and it scared the shit out of me. I honestly didn't think I was capable of feeling … of feeling so much." He looked at me with bright eyes. "I left the Tasty Pastry that night feeling like I had just made the worst mistake of my life."

I stood up with a loud scrape of my chair. "I think I've heard enough. She will never be a mistake. Never." I started to walk away, but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him.

"That is not what I mean." He cupped my face. "Don't ever think for one second I regret her. I love her more than my own life."

I could feel the heat spreading from his hands on my cheeks down my throat and onto my half-exposed chest. His eyes glanced down and then darkened. I pushed him away and plopped back down into the seat. I glared at him as he sat back down.

"Did you know I took the condom out of my wallet that night?"

"Why would I know that? And why would you do that?" My breath caught. If he had just done what he always did, we wouldn't have Sophia. I looked at him again. "Why?"

"To keep me from sleeping with you." He shrugged and gave me a lop-sided grin. "Obviously didn't work. I knew I was a lost cause the moment I saw you through the window."

"And that's the worst mistake of your life?"

"I left the Tasty Pastry knowing that …" He stared at me intently. "What little bit of my soul you did not own before I made love to you was then firmly in your possession."

I almost coughed as my breath caught in my throat. But I couldn't forget how I had unknowingly been the other woman. And he had gone straight back to his girlfriend. I narrowed my eyes at him.

He held up his hands. "Okay, I didn't think those exact thoughts at eighteen. It was more like I knew I would never be able to walk away and leave this place behind as long as I thought you might be here waiting for me."

"Waiting for you?"

"That night, when I got home, all I could think about was how unfair it was that we weren't both older or both going off to college together. I had to leave, and you … well, as I said before, you were just seventeen. I let myself hope that someday I could come back and we could really see what we could be. I hoped that you _would_ write me. And I thought I could come back on leave and see you."

"And then what? Your girlfriend came over and made you forget?"

"No. We'll get back to that in a minute. But I woke up the next day and thought I wasn't ready to be that guy. That guy who was ready to … to commit I guess. I was freaked out. And I'm so sorry. I should have called you. I should have talked to you. I should have –"

My cell rang. I reached over and answered it. "Hey, where have you been?"

"A meeting. You still coming over? I'm just leaving the office."

"No, Sophia passed out. I think I will just go to bed."

"I really want to see you, baby. I think I deserve to see that costume I bought."

I looked at Joe. He looked like he was ready to take my phone and throw it against the wall. "Come over here. I want to see you too."

"Okay, be there in ten. Love you."

"Love you too."

Joe glared at me. "He's on his way?"

"Yep."

"We need to finish this conversation, Stephanie."

"There's really nothing else left to say, Joe. We were young and in love and were not ready for anything more than a high school romance. And well, I wasn't ready to be a mother, but we all have things in life to deal with."

"I wish I could change it. I wish so much I could go back …"

"We can't. It's that simple. We're not even the same people anymore."

"We're still –"

"We're Sophia's parents. That's it." I stood up and took our mugs to the sink. "I think you should go before Dickie gets here."

He stopped at the kitchen door. "I never would have hurt you on purpose."

"But you did." I wiped my hands on the towel and then turned to face him. "I forgive you." Somehow, it didn't feel as freeing as it was supposed to. I think that maybe I was lying. How did you not know if you were lying?

He blinked at me and shook his head. "That sounds like a dismissal."

"I guess in some ways it is. I'm not waiting for you, Joe. Don't wait for me."

He clenched his jaw and gave me a curt nod before turning away and leaving.

.

**OoOoO**

.

Joe kept his distance for the next few days. He called every night to talk with Sophia, but he didn't drop by and he didn't ask me to bring her to him. Sophia was throwing a fit by the fourth day. She actually accused me of not letting him see her. It was time for this to end.

I drove straight to Joe's after work. The next night was a dinner party at one of Dickie's co-worker's house. Joe and I needed to talk about whether he wanted Sophia for the night. I had a feeling that if he knew later that I had been gone all night, he would be mad I hadn't brought her to him.

I grabbed my phone to call him, but I had forgotten to charge it. Damn. Well, hopefully, he would be home. It was already seven, surely he would be there. I knew with his leg pretty much healed, he was going to be on the streets soon, but I tried not to think about the danger he would be facing all the time.

I knocked on his door. I could hear some movement inside. "Hey, Joe! It's me, Stephanie. I need to talk to you about this weekend … and other stuff."

Nothing.

"Joe! I can hear you!"

"Just a minute," came his muffled reply.

I huffed and then leaned against the wall next to the door until I heard it unlock. Joe opened the door and peered out into the hall. "This isn't a good time."

"It won't take long, just a few minutes. We need to talk about things." I raised my brows at him.

He frowned and looked behind him. "I've said all I have to say."

"Well, I haven't!"

I pushed past him and into the living room where a leggy blonde was perched on his couch, wearing his uniform shirt and nothing else. I turned back to him and noticed that he was in a t-shirt and gym shorts. As I shifted my attention back to the woman, I saw his pants on the floor. My stomach immediately dropped as I took in the scene before me. Oh my God! He was having sex!

Joe walked around to stand between me and the now concerned-looking woman. "Steph, this is Jessica. Jessica this is Stephanie. I work with Jessica. And Stephanie is … my daughter's mother."

Jessica and I stared at each other, both looking unsure of what to do. I smiled as best as I could before turning back to Joe. "I'm going to a dinner party tomorrow night with Dickie and will be staying with him. Would you like to keep Sophia?" I bit my lip as I thought about her being around this woman. "Only if you don't have _other plans_. My parents will keep her if you are going to have … company." I glanced at Jessica, who seemed completely lost.

Joe looked over at Jessica, but she didn't seem to catch on to what I had said. "Um … yeah, I would love to have Sophia again."

"And _only_ Sophia?"

He frowned. "Does she have a twin brother you've kept from me?"

"That! That is why we need to talk. I know you're pissed at me, but you can't let that affect your relationship with your daughter, Joe. That's not how this works."

"I'm not pissed at you," he stated, sounding very much pissed off.

"She thinks I won't let her see you. Do you know how unfair that is?"

He smiled wryly. "Yes. Yes, I do."

"Urrgh! Fine. Just pick her up sometime in the afternoon. And I will come get her Saturday whenever you want. Unless you want to bring her to church then I can meet you there."

"Okay then."

"Fine." I rolled my eyes and looked over at Jessica, who was playing with her split ends. "It was nice to meet you." She didn't even look up. "Jessica."

"Yeah?" she looked over at me like I had just walked in. As she shifted, I could see that she was definitely not wearing a bra under his shirt.

"Nice to see yo – uh … um… nice to meet you." Maybe I could just find a time machine and undo this entire visit.

"Oh, it was so nice to meet you!" She jumped up from the couch and stuck one hand out as she looped her other arm through Joe's.

I shook her hand and glanced at Joe. He looked extremely uncomfortable. Well, that made two of us. "I'll let you get back to …" Shit! What was I thinking? "Umm."

"Sex," she answered simply with a bright smile. "We were having sex."

I tried desperately not to show how much that bothered me, but I think Joe could tell that it did.

He let go of her and started to walk me to the door. "Jessica is such a kidder. She's really funny."

"No, I'm not," Jessica chimed in right behind us as she was following us to the door. "We were going at it on –"

"Thank you," I cut in. "I get it. Goodbye." I quickly made my way into the hall.

Joe grabbed my arm just before I could turn the corner. "Hey. I'm sorry for … the last few days. You're right. I don't want Sophia to think we don't get along."

I nodded, my lips pressed together.

"I want us to get along," he continued. "We have been. I just … I thought the other night would have … I don't know. I just thought that it would have meant something to you."

I frowned at him, afraid to open my mouth and either yell at him or cry. I took a few deep breaths. "It did mean something to me. I'm glad that Sophia came from a place of love, and not just lust. But …" I looked past him to his door. "We both have moved on."

His whole body sagged as he put a hand to his forehead. "It's really not …" He suddenly looked up at me. "You're right. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay."

"Okay."

We both stood frozen for a moment, but Jessica peered out from Joe's apartment and called for him. Joe grimaced at me, indicating how much he knew it bothered me. That pissed me off for two reasons: I didn't want his pity or whatever that was, and I shouldn't have let him see that he was right. He turned back to her, and I bolted to the stairwell as quietly as possible, vaguely hearing him telling her to go back inside.

I would not let him see me cry. And why the hell was I crying? Just because Joe was having sex with some stupid (like actually stupid not just because I didn't like her) slutty woman?

Yes.

I was upset with him. How was it he got to have flings while I had to be the responsible parent? There's no way he could actually be serious about her. Could he?

It didn't matter. As long as he kept Sophia away from whoever he was seeing, I had no reason to care. Just like I said, we both had moved on.

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* * *

Thank you. For your patience, your kindness, and the review you are composing in your head already. :)


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